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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to disrupt contact for activities and parties?

42 replies

BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 22:00

DD is 7. Up until March this year she'd never spoken a word in nursery or school and was receiving extra help as a result. She also didn't speak at extra-curricular activities and had very little confidence. Obviously it's early days with the new school year but fingers crossed so far she's talking - and so much happier because of it.

Her father has always refused to take her to any parties or activities, or to swap contact so that I can do so. There's probably three occasions per year where I've asked him to swap so DD can take part in a show or competition which I feel would really boost her confidence, but he's said no.

Now she's been selected to represent the school council by her teacher and was so excited when she told me. However, they meet after school on Fridays - so when it's her fathers eow contact weekend he'd say no, meaning she couldn't do it. Similarly, she's been brave enough to go to some drama classes recently and they have a Christmas show - one of which falls on her weekend with her father, so she won't be able to do it. Finally, she's been invited to two parties and wants to go (usually she's anxious and reluctant) but again, he'll say no.

I really feel he's contributing to her lack of confidence and anxiety by his refusal to embrace these things which would boost her self-esteem. We don't have a court order and I'm seriously considering making the decisions to disrupt contact if there'saactivities and parties as detailed above which I feel are in DDs best interests. He flat out refuses any negotiation or compromise and the last thing I want is for DD to start losing the progress she's made. AIBU?

OP posts:
Iactuallydothinkso · 15/09/2014 22:30

No you are not being unreasonable. This is hard. When it is her fathers time with her, it is up to him to make the decisions. Even if they're bad ones. And you can see it hurts her. Until he can and is prepared to do something different, it will remain like this.

You could go to court to ask them to deal with a specific issue if you wish. It's a c100 form and costs £215 unless you have a low income. The court could make a ruling in your favour.

It might be worth speaking to a solicitor and seeing what your position is.

Any ruling will only take into account what is in the child's best interests. Time with her father versus time otherwise.

I would try very hard to avoid court ordered anything but if he is so unreasonable he won't swap a night then you might have to look into it.

Good luck, I know the feeling and I know how hard it is. Get some advice and see what a legally trained persons view is on it.

mynewpassion · 15/09/2014 22:36

Does he live a fair distance away and that's why he's saying no? Or its just that he wants to have control over what happens on his weekends?

Could she share these achievements with him so that he sees her excitement and it comes from her rather than you? Let her bring the invitations to him and see if he's willing to compromise on some of the things.

Coming from you might sound more like a dictate even if it isn't. Coming from DD might soften him up a bit.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 22:41

No he doesn't live far away. It's hard to have DD ask him things as he onlysees her eow and doesn't/won't speak to her in between so if there's a party invitation then I email and ask him but he says no. He sees that she loves the things he's previously said no to but justifies it to her by saying they're doing something much better. But then whatever he's promised doesn't happen.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 22:41

YANBU. My DD's friend missed every single one of DDs parties because her Dad would not take her to any on his contact days. It befuddled me! You take DD to her events if he won't. xxxx

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 22:45

The problem is, if an event is on a Sunday for example, then I'd have to stop the whole weekends contact as he'd refuse to return her early. I don't want to obstruct contact, I just want DD not to be restricted so heavily by it.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 22:48

Don't email and ask. Email and tell. It's her time with him not the other way around. Say you will drop her off at 8 that night after her group/class/thing.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/09/2014 22:49

He doesn't speak to her between contact visits? At all? Shock

MrsWinnibago · 15/09/2014 22:56

Agree. Email and tell...say "I am taking DD to the party at 1 so you can collect her at 3 when it's finished" or similar.

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 23:08

No, Tread, nor does he ever ask how she is Sad

But Funky - the latest thing (as an example) is a gymnastics competition which is from 4-6 on one of 'his' Sundays. He usually returns her at 5. If I ask or tell him to return her early/to the competition, he'll refuse. If I say I'm collecting DD at 3.30 for the competition' then he'll beout and rreturn her at 5 as usual. Therefore my only option is to let her miss the competition or to her miss the entire weekend of contact over his stubbornness over an hour of time.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/09/2014 23:15

Has she been diagnosed with anxiety?
Could her gp talk to dad ?

Does she enjoy her times with dad ? What does she get out of the weekends with him ?

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 23:20

She gets IBS which is related to her anxiety and always flares up before and during contact. Her father won't speak to anyone - he thinks he knows best.

I'm not bitter and twisted (we've been separated for years and both have moved on) but I'd honestly say she gets nothing positive from contact, bar an occasional positive relationship with his parents. His parents who - unfortunately - are tooloyal to him to get involved.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 15/09/2014 23:31

Do you get on with any of his family, who might be able to talk to him about this? - Mum or sister or brother perhaps?
It might be he's got it in his head it's somehow showing weakness or "allowing" you to dictate the terms or something, without really considering all the positives, or, dare I say, the resentment she is going to start feeling over having to miss out as he's too selfish to take her place, over the next few years?
Is there someone that you know he might listen to?

BackforGood · 15/09/2014 23:32

x-posted!
Although, if they love her, as I'm sure they do, they will probably understand the reasons - even if you were to offer another night that week to "compensate" for his lost hour(s).

IneedAwittierNickname · 15/09/2014 23:51

Yanbu.
Your ex sounds just like mine although mone happily cancels contact time if they have a party.
If I tell him the dc hAve a party on 'his' day he just says "ok I won't see them that day then".
Mind you I think he then tells his family that I've stopped him seeing them Hmm

And like ops ex mine doesn't ever call the dc between contact days and rarely answers when they phone him. :(
It can be 2 or 3 weeks before they get to speak to him.

ColdCottage · 16/09/2014 00:02

It sounds to me like he is not helping her health very much.

I would ask your dd what she would like to do for each occasion. For example, on Monday before Sunday competition ask her if she would like to compete. If she says yes then inform her father that she has chosen to do X and therefore is unable to see him that weekend.

As pp said it is her time with him, her choice. She is old enough to know what she wants to do.

I would include him as more importantly copy in and invite his parents to any shows, comps etc do they are still included.

Just always be super polite and positive to him, that way he has no comeback for you being hard, rude etc.

You need to put her health first. I would also speak to your GP about doing this and why so you have a professional on record for the reasons behind your choices if it ever comes to court.

Good luck

Charley50 · 16/09/2014 00:08

I agree with cold cottage. If he lived far away fair enough but he lives nearby so he should be facilitating her activities and parties just as you do. It sounds like she is anxious around him, not a good sign. Even if she didn't have any 'ishoos' he should be helping her to live her life. I agree that if she wants to do an activity and he won't let her, she stays with you that weekend.
Sorry I'm a bit tipsy but he sounds like a controlling cunt who doesn't see his daughter as a person in her own right. On the other hand, you sound lovely, caring and a great mum. Good night,

Charley50 · 16/09/2014 00:08

. Not ,

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/09/2014 00:11

How many of these activities require her to be returned to you early? It's going to be quite hard for you to get him to cooperate on these but ones that require you to hand over late are easy.

And I did end up being awarded a court order to cover my sons activities/parties/medical appointments during contact as long as I notified dad with 48 hours notice and offered him alternative hours contact because he refused to allow any flexibility for anything at all (unless he wanted to cancel) it was fairly easy to obtain

Original poster
BabylonPoo · 16/09/2014 07:10

It's difficult to ask her what she wants to do without increasing her anxiety, though, because she worries he'll be angry if she picks something over him - which he has shown himself to be in the past.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/09/2014 12:11

I don't think she is old enough to ask her what she wants. Any normal child put in this position by a parent would be extremely anxious. I think that all your points are valid and your ex is being a total git to be honest. I think that the courts would support your view but I have concerns about how it might affect your child.

Personally, I think you need to take more formal steps. I have no experience in this area and although this link is for Dads, perhaps mediation should be tried before withdrawing contact and telling him to see you in court?
www.dad.info/divorce-and-separation/troubleshooting/contact-problems

How receptive would he be to a written letter [so it's on record too] citing GP/School/specialist advice saying how important it is for her development to attend extra curricular events.
If it's set out in writing that professionals recommend it, plus you are willing to go the extra mile so he doesn't even have to sodding attend, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on. I'd send a copy to his parents too or call them for their advice?

Then I'd head down the formal route. If he's unreasonable from the start, then just head straight for family court provided you have written or recorded evidence of his rejection of perfectly reasonable suggestions which are to his child's benefit.

icymaiden · 16/09/2014 12:15

I think 4 things in a term is quite a lot

  1. school council after school is stoopid,I aimagine that is inconvenient for a lot of families.I'd speak to the school about it. 2 The play thing I think you should insist on. 3 I would say no to her going to the parties.Her dad is more important than her friends at this age..
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 14:18

I think a 'father' who sees his child every other weekend and can't even be arsed to speak to her between his access times is definitely not 'more important' than time with her friends.

What kind if father doesn't even want to speak to speak child for 2 weeks or not even enquire as to how she is, and puts his own stubbornness before what is best for her. It's disgusting.

You have my sympathy OP and thank God your daughter has you Thanks

Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 14:18

Sorry for all the typos in my post - I was typing whilst angry Grin

worridmum · 16/09/2014 14:27

but tbh would you guys accept your EX partner dictating what you do on the days that the NRP doesnt have them. I am guessing not so why do you think its approite to dictate on his days?

There would be outrage if it was the NRP dmeanding the OP do activtives / parties / what ever else for effectively a large % of contact time so if you put same % on to the RP would you be happy for your EX to say 2 or 3 evenings a week they will be doing an activity that you had no say in doing but had to facliate? I think not so I can actully see his point of view tbh

Him not being a great dad is not here or there but I can see how damaging it can be to your child I would attempt to actully work with him to come to a mutally agreeable activity rather then you just dictating and expecting him to go along with it as I would certinally dig my heels in if someone told me or expected me to do what they say without letting me have any input

titchy · 16/09/2014 14:30

Surely with the school council thing you just TELL him that from now on she will be finishing school at 4pm not 3pm.

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