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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to disrupt contact for activities and parties?

42 replies

BabylonPoo · 15/09/2014 22:00

DD is 7. Up until March this year she'd never spoken a word in nursery or school and was receiving extra help as a result. She also didn't speak at extra-curricular activities and had very little confidence. Obviously it's early days with the new school year but fingers crossed so far she's talking - and so much happier because of it.

Her father has always refused to take her to any parties or activities, or to swap contact so that I can do so. There's probably three occasions per year where I've asked him to swap so DD can take part in a show or competition which I feel would really boost her confidence, but he's said no.

Now she's been selected to represent the school council by her teacher and was so excited when she told me. However, they meet after school on Fridays - so when it's her fathers eow contact weekend he'd say no, meaning she couldn't do it. Similarly, she's been brave enough to go to some drama classes recently and they have a Christmas show - one of which falls on her weekend with her father, so she won't be able to do it. Finally, she's been invited to two parties and wants to go (usually she's anxious and reluctant) but again, he'll say no.

I really feel he's contributing to her lack of confidence and anxiety by his refusal to embrace these things which would boost her self-esteem. We don't have a court order and I'm seriously considering making the decisions to disrupt contact if there'saactivities and parties as detailed above which I feel are in DDs best interests. He flat out refuses any negotiation or compromise and the last thing I want is for DD to start losing the progress she's made. AIBU?

OP posts:

listsandbudgets · 16/09/2014 16:03

I haven't read the whole thread but YANBU.

My dad was like this. I remember missing loads of parties and other activities in my childhood because he wouldn't take me to them. I stayed every third weekend with him. Eventually people just stopped asking me. I never complained because I didn't want to upset my mum. In fact I stopped even showing her the school letters and invites if I knew it fell on a weekend I was staying at dads. I knew if I did there would just be an argument andd I wouldn't go anyway.

I'm nearly 40 now and I still resent it. YANBU OP if you can do anything then please give it a try. Either her dad should take her or hee should see her another time.

ApocalypseThen · 16/09/2014 16:28

It sounds like if there was a series of activities and events calculated to help your child, the ones you outline are they. I think she must go for her personal and social development. M
Would your GP be any help in convincing him to take her?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/09/2014 20:03

but tbh would you guys accept your EX partner dictating what you do on the days that the NRP doesnt have them. I am guessing not so why do you think its approite to dictate on his days?

I would welcome requests to be flexible for matters that were of such a benefit to my child.and think its a parents job to advocate on behalf of their child even when its another parent causing it

grannymcphee · 16/09/2014 21:34

Your daughter lives with you and, therefore, you have parental control. You make the decisions. He has to fit in with that, whether he likes it or not! Access is for the good of the child, not the parents, and if she has an event which she wants to take part in, then of course she must, and the access will have to work around that. Your daughter's interests must take precedence, and as she gets older, this will happen more frequently so her dad will have to accept it. Could her father not also attend the event?

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 16/09/2014 21:50

He's always invited granny, whether it's 'his' weekend or not but so far has never attended.

I'm not dictating what he must do at all. I'm trying to include him in things that would make his daughter happy.If there was an activity DD wanted to do on a weeknight and he offered to take her, pay for the activity, then return her (as I offer to him) then I would be happy for her to go.

OP posts:

Cardriver · 16/09/2014 22:02

I'm the RP and if my ex suggested that the DC would benefit from particular activities that were on days when they're with me then I would do my best to facilitate that if at all possible. Why wouldn't I?

ApocalypseThen · 16/09/2014 22:20

but tbh would you guys accept your EX partner dictating what you do on the days that the NRP doesnt have them. I am guessing not so why do you think its approite to dictate on his days?

I hope so. It sounds like it has been a struggle to get to the point where the child is willing and able to do these things, and depriving her of the opportunity at this juncture could be a tremendous set back. I really hope I wouldn't be petty and obstructive enough to fail to support such great progress. Surely he would like his daughter to achieve a happy adulthood? How can she if she is blocked from activities that would be so specifically beneficial to her social and emotional development? A child without these issues, maybe not so important, but it sounds essential in this case.

maddening · 16/09/2014 23:00

Why doesn't he take her to activities so drop her off at 4pm on a Sunday and you pick her up at 6?

MrsWinnibago · 16/09/2014 23:03

Because he sounds like an awkward bugger.

maddening · 16/09/2014 23:04

As a parent if your child expresses a wish to try an extra curricular activity that you can afford or is paid for then you facilitate that out of your time with them - they are not there to entertain you - you are there to parent them, teach them and facilitate their activities which aid them educationally/physically/socially as they learn to live as part of our society - her father is entirely selfish in this and is not considering his child's best interest.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 16/09/2014 23:19

I am interested in this. I am RP. I work long (10 hr days) and have an EOW arrangement. This means we have very little quality time together (2 days a fortnight plus snatched breakfasts and bath/bedtimes). Ex wants dc1 to attend a weekend language class, a 60 mile round trip from my home. There is no method to hand the DC over to ex for this (he would drive DC there) as he was violent an we have no direct contact. I would have to undertake to find a willing intermediary (basically impossible) EOW and lose a whole morning and lunch time of precious family time. DC 4 years old just started school FT. I think it is too much as DC should be with other siblings and his mother during our contact time. DC too young to express wish about going himself. We can't go on a day out and would have to programme the whole weekend to fit in with this. I wonder now if I am BU too?

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 16/09/2014 23:27

I agree with you completely, maddening. I spend hours of my week running DD back and forth and waiting for her while entertaining her younger siblings - because it's good for DD. I just worry that a court wouldn't agree and would say he never has to compromise, meaning DD never gets to pursue any activities.

I think that's a lot of travelling after a busy week at school Fitzgerald. Is it term time only?

OP posts:

Peppa87 · 17/09/2014 08:29

He sounds like a right selfish twonk.

Your child should get to do all normal things they would usually do whichever parent they are with. It should be as seamless as possible.

GoblinLittleOwl · 17/09/2014 08:52

I think the attitude of your ex partner is definitely contributing to your daughter's 'selective' mutism; it is very similar to a case I experienced some years ago, when the father's behaviour was deliberately designed to cause as much distress to his ex wife as possible, even though he did love his children; and it resulted in a child who lost all confidence and refused to speak.
Does he attend parent evenings or have any contact with the school? If he does could the Head/Senco speak to him?
Would he take his daughter to the gym competition and stay and watch her?
It does sound as though he is being as uncooperative as possible, and it is your daughter who is paying the price.
I would definitely discuss it with a solicitor and see if there are any alternatives that could be agreed, but I think all this is aimed at hurting you.

Meglet · 17/09/2014 08:59

Yanbu. XP refused to alter contact days / times if the dc's had a party. We had it out in mediation and the officer said he needed to be flexible. He refused and hasn't seen them in 5yrs.

Basically his need for an 11am lie in every weekend trumped his dc's .

Original poster

BabylonPoo · 17/09/2014 21:42

I agree, Goblin, that's it's designed to get at me. He goes to parents evening but plays the alienated father, claiming I don't tell him anything about DD, her school life or activities etc which is rubbish. Two weeks into the new term and he hasn't even asked how she's settled or if she's talking.

OP posts:

vdbfamily · 17/09/2014 22:08

Maybe if school liaised with him directly about school council he would be more likely to agree than if you contact him.He would look a bit of an idiot saying directly to them that he will not facilitate her being there. Also agree that SENCO should speak to him and tell him what sort of stuff would help her.

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