To give this girl a piece of my mind (or even uninvite her)

[Joolsy]

DD's friend's bday today (11). We gave her several little things, one of them being a friendship journal which she could fill in. At school today she said very loudly so DD could hear, to some of the other kids "H got me really rubbish presents. I mean, who actually has a friendship journal?" This girl just seems to play mind games with DD on an almost daily basis. Luckily DD and I can see straight through her. She's not all bad & her and DD do have a nice time together some of the time. When this girl was mean to DD a couple of months ago, DD said to her that if she behaved like that again she would no longer be her friend and the girl said "oh please don't do this to me, you're the only proper friend I've ever had!" So she forgave her. It's DD's party next weekend and this girl has managed to pretty much ruin the last 2 of DD's b/day parties with her princessy behaviour. So I'm tempted to tell her not to bother coming if she's going to treat one of her best friends like this. Or at least have strong words with her. Or AIBU and should I just accept that girls will fall in & out with each other?

It's agony seeing the tortures that girls out each other through but I honestly don't think interfering will help your daughter. The best thing you can do is arm your daughter with good self esteem and some decent answers when people say mean things. Interfering will only drag the drama on. I speak as a primary school teacher who sees this awfulness unfold every day and has both interfered and taken a back seat. When mums get involved usually what happens is the mums kick off at each other and by the time they are all in full row, the girls have made up and got on with it - until next time...

I really think you should stay out of it and let your DD deal with it, if indeed she wants to.

11 is a bit old to get involved unless it's a really big issue.

Does your DD want her to come? At 11 she should know there are consequences for nasty behaviour. Your DD may be glad if you take the bull by the horns and tell her to jog on.

"this girl has managed to pretty much ruin the last 2 of DD's b/day parties with her princessy behaviour. "
What did she do? Is it controllable with close supervision? Can you discuss it with this gorl's mother?

I agree with worra. It sounds childish of you describing that 'you can see through her'.
If they get along some of the time then maybe that's just how they interact between them?

My youngest had her last 2 years of primary spoilt by two girls in her class and their behaviours affected everybody - including staff. Initially I talked it through with her and we thought of different strategies she could employ. But, frankly, once we got past SATS I gave her my view on it and that these girls were not her friends because friends don't treat people like that. I got sick of the 2faced back-stabbing, using blackmail to make her side with them, etc. and it got a whole lot worse when those 2 fell out

I couldn't wait for her to leave primary and those girls and am very glad she goes to a completely different secondary school.

So, to some extent I would look at the long term view as well as the short.

DD is confused about whether she wants her to come. Year before last she said that everything at the tea party was boring & refused to take part in anything, and one of the other girls sided with her. This happened 5 mins into the party! And last year at the cinema party her & 2 others were climbing over chairs, talking loudly all the way through etc....but they do get on some of the time. I just cannot stand the way she plays mind games, presumably for attention. She's a very strong character and many of the girls in the class are too scared to stand up to her.I think I'll let DD make up her own mind. Thanks all.

DD2 had a so-called-friend like this.

She would stop talking to her for no reason at all, then after a while, beg to make up again. After a while, DD got tired of the routine, so said she wasn't interested in being friends anymore. So the girl started to get other girls, and then teachers involved, saying how unfair DD was, and how cruel not to make up after an argument (which, of course, was not an argument, at all, but a whim of this girl). She tried to isolate DD from other friends, by standing in front of DD when she was talking to someone, or calling them over about something apparently important. Etc, etc, etc.

In the end, it took the girl blaming DD for spreading a rumour about her, which she hadn't done, for the girl's mother to get involved. She telephoned me about my DD's behaviour, and I just let rip about her DD in the end. The mother could not imagine that her little darling could ever have been so nasty, but at least I managed to convince her that whoever was to blame, it was not a good friendship, and perhaps it shouldn't be encouraged.

I can't say it's been completely plain sailing since then, but she has backed off a lot. She doesn't play these games with DD anymore, although they are in the same friendship group at school.

I agree it has to come from your DD, but do encourage her to see the difference between forgiveness and out and out doormattery.

Oh God i had a best friend exactly like this. Shudder. Her mother was a total twat too i will never know how my mum managed to leave us to it.

Ditch her. Why let her "win" because of some unwritten crappy "rules" about girls and friendship.

Why let the kids who behave badly get away with it?

Those "rules" are like the whole telling tales thing...not telling because then you're a tattle tale if someone hurts you. That rule is made up by bullies and the "rule" about putting up with shite from people who pretend to be your friends is also made up by bullies.

Another one here who had a 'best friend' like that, even down to the ruining of parties.

I actually wish mum had interjected, at primary age I didn't really have the skills to deal with that myself.

I'm not in any way damaged by it so don't worry too much, I just think 'x' was a horrible little attention seeking bitch and I can't believe I put up with her crap.

"She's a very strong character and many of the girls in the class are too scared to stand up to her.I think I'll let DD make up her own mind."

What if your DD is also too scared to stand up to her, but doesn't say so to you because she doesn't want you to be disappointed in her/wants to protect you from this/can't articulate it/any other reason that an 11 year old does anything? Maybe, your DD would appreciate an adult stepping in and sorting things for her?

Another one who's had a similar experience here. Fortunately dd1 has handled it really well and managed to extracate herself from the drama. However, we both felt a bit sorry for the girl, didn't want to leave her out and invited her to dd's last birthday party (10) She was an utter bitch and spoiled the party, reducing dd to tears. Next birthday, she's most definitely NFI!

Your DD will meet more people like this in her life. I don't think you should step in, not yet. I do think you should talk to her about how this girl behaves, how she feels and what to do (ignore it, etc).

Girls do make bitchy comments like the one about the friendship journal and she will have to deal with this as a teenager I'm sure. Rather than rushing to her defence, get her to think about how the comment made her feel and whether she really should value this girl's opinion.

Your DD's best defence against this kind of thing is to help her feel more sure of herself.

If this girl plays up at the party. Why not ring the parents to take her home? That's the only time I would actively step in.

Unfortunately ringing the parents to take her home from the party is not an option - I'm taking her and the girls' grandma is looking after my DD2 and the girls' little sister (who are also best friends!) while the party is on. Luckily the party is at a beauty salon & I'm thinking the 2 party organisers will step in if she starts acting up! As I've said, this girl can be very nice and kind, usually when no other friends are around.

There's some really good advice here so thank you. Will see how it plays out over the next few days.

It doesn't have to be like that. DD is 11 and undecided, this girl can't behave at parties. Refuse to have her in YOUR charge, explain that based on her behaviour you can't be responsible. Then either a parent will need to supervise OR DD can have a party that is about her and not a needy drama queen.

I know every case is different, but I had my birthday parties ruined repeatedly by one girl, similar to your situation.

My Mum was of the opinion that we should 'be the bigger person' and still included her since we were all in the same class.

However, in hindsight, we wished we had not chosen that path because it just led to more happy birthday memories being stolen. I think it also taught me that I have to take whatever the school bully delivers, which we all know, as adults, is far from the truth.

If my Mum had said "I don't want her to ruin your party again because you deserve a happy party, but if you feel strongly that you want to risk it then of course I stand by your decision", it might have felt different. I possibly would have felt in control of 'chancing it' or not; rather than a puppet on a string, controlled by everyone else's decisions.

I'd have a chat with your DD about how its ok to not accept that kind of behaviour.

My Dsis (14) had a friend like this, and made her life hell last year, manipulations, name calling, getting other people involved, school did fuck all about it, because it wasnt bullying apparently, of course not, my Dsis is in tears for no reason.

I had many chats with her about ignoring her, Dsis actually told the bullying to fuck off once. Eventually, Dsis shook it off, after a while bully kept trying to talk to her, but Dsis just ignored. The girl has since had to move schools because she was so horrible to people, they turned on her.

She got her Karma.

I think as long as you're sure your DD knows she doesn't have to invite this girl then follow your DD's lead on it.

From my own experiences with a girl like that, I'd be concerned that your DD thinks she has to consider the girl's feelings at the expense of her own , so I'd just be reinforcing that your DD can set boundaries with other people and it's perfectly fine and healthy to say a line has been crossed and she doesn't want to invite this girl, or be her friend, etc.

It sounds as though your DD tried to put a boundary in place a few months ago and the girl manipulated her into changing that boundary by saying she had no other friends,etc. I'd be concerned about that dynamic.

If she's been invited then I wouldn't uninvite her.

I'd keep a close eye on things. If she starts with the whole "boring" thing just call her bluff and say "oh do you want me to try and call someone to take you back to your grandma and the younger girls?" - she won't know that you don't actually have anyone to do so and I bet she'll back track and STFU.

I wouldn't invite her to anything else though - if she's like this all of the time I bvet the other girls would be glad!

You need to step back and let her deal with her own friendships herself- that's how we learn!

If she starts saying it's boring I would immediately reach for your phone and tell her you're calling someone who will drive her back to the grandmother.

I would maybe prompt your dd to tell said friend that if she carries on being mean then she is no longer invited to the party

meanwhile I would have a word with the girl's parents and explain that should her behaviour towards dd not improve then she won't be welcome

I think, in the nicest possible way, it's got nothing to do with you and you should keep out of it. Girls' friendships are a right minefield at that age and you just need to let them fight it out for themselves.