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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my husband to go away for two weeks?

81 replies

NameChange30 · 15/09/2014 16:28

My husband is French, I'm English and we live in England. He's happy living here but he likes to go to France regularly to see family and friends, which is fair enough. We go to his parents' for a week every Christmas or New Year. This year he also wants to go for 2 weeks in November because his parents are going on holiday and he wants to look after their dog and see family and friends. He works from home so he can do that in France. I can't go because I work full time (in the office) and I've used up all my holiday for time we are both taking. Am I being pathetic for not wanting him to go for 2 weeks? It seems like a long time, I'm worried I will miss him and feel abandoned and resentful that he'd prefer to does two weeks with his parents' dog than being at home with me :( AIBU??

OP posts:

bodhranbae · 15/09/2014 18:43

YABU and needy.
My DS copes very well with the fact that his father works overseas for 5 months at a time.
All you need is Skype.

aprilanne · 15/09/2014 19:07

well op if i were you i would spend the two weeks .going out alot seeing friends and family .don,t think he prefers dog .just wants to catch up with friends .and as he has holidays left why not.sometimes its about just going home .to feel your homeland basically .

QuintessentiallyQS · 15/09/2014 19:10

Yabu. He came to Britain with you. And work from home. It must be very very lonely for him. I can quite see why he rather spend the time with his dog at his parents, than an empty house/flat in a foreign country.

chrome100 · 15/09/2014 19:39

YAB a bit U. DP and I have had separate holidays this year - we each went away with our respective friends for 10 days. I got back from my trip just as he set off for his, he's still away now.

I miss him terribly and we text once a day or so. I cannot wait for him to get back, but I am happy he is having a nice time away and I do enjoy a bit of peace at home. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and I think a bit of time apart can actually strengthen a relationship and make you appreciate each other more.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 15/09/2014 19:53

It's only 2 weeks! I think it's really important to do things apart from 'couple things.' I've been with Dh nearly 25 years and wouldn't bat an eyelid, we'd phone, text, Skype. I'd be a bit hesitant about 2 months, that seems a long time and I'd break that up with a visit.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/09/2014 19:56

Yanbu to feel the way you do.
But
Bed to yourself
Tv to yourself
Meal choices - all yours
Bed to yourself
Read as much as you want
Bed to yourself
OMG you could even book a weekend break for yourself.

wobblyweebles · 16/09/2014 00:52

You've got me thinking now. I could do something similar - go back to the UK when my parents are away, use their house/internet/car, see all my friends, shop in Tesco/Waitrose/John Lewis.

It sounds quite wonderful. I can totally see why your husband is planning it...

Aherdofmims · 16/09/2014 04:18

Yabu unless you have dc.

ilovesooty · 16/09/2014 05:55

He shows his commitment to you by living in the UK with you and I'm glad you've accepted that YABU. The one dissenting voice in this thread is the person who sounds weird to me.

lordnoobson · 16/09/2014 05:58

Sure he's definitely going there?

JeanSeberg · 16/09/2014 06:03

Sure he's definitely going there?

Planting a seed of doubt based on what exactly? Your own insecurities?

306235388 · 16/09/2014 06:06

Yabu unless you have very small children

antimatter · 16/09/2014 06:09

if this is your first separation to be apart for that long is understandable

he isn't choosing dog or anyone over you - he needs time there (not away from you)

if you look from that perspective it would bve easier to see his point of view

lordnoobson · 16/09/2014 06:12

No jean. (But do feel free to get a dig in as you know me so well ) .

Based on a close friend. Her h went to Greece for two weeks with his mistress. Left family home in work uniform to maintain the pretence.

lordnoobson · 16/09/2014 06:13

They divorced obv when it all came out.

ilovesooty · 16/09/2014 06:27

For fuck's sake if someone was planning a few days away with a mistress they'd hardly use their parents as an alibi.

lordnoobson · 16/09/2014 06:28

Or a dull work trip. Anyway I'm sure it's not that. Just made me think of it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 16/09/2014 06:30

When you have a partner from another country you just have to accept this I'm afraid. My XH couldn't live in the UK 100% of the time! it made him sad and not himself. After 3-4 months here he needed to go home for a bit. I'd be the same if I lived anywhere else, no matter how much I liked it.

superstarheartbreaker · 16/09/2014 06:38

Couples should be able to holiday separately. The happiest time I ever had whilst in a relationship was when I went backpacking around the Himalaya for 4 months.... Alone.

CariadsDarling · 16/09/2014 08:01

As someone who lives abroad and is very happy living abroad I can honestly say that there are times when a couple of weeks touching base in the UK and being there just because I can be there is the best thing ever. It just scratches an itch.

My husband also goes back to where he grew up a few times a year for about 5 days each time. Its how he prefers to do it because he's away from home a lot with work and this is how it works out.

Never underestimate the pull of your homeland at times even when you are very happily living elsewhere.

HolgerDanske · 16/09/2014 08:50

I think you would maybe feel a bit better if you reframed it a bit in your mind.

He's not choosing his parents' dog over you, he's going 'home' to the place that made him who he is. It is a part of him and always will be, it's his history and his heritage. I live abroad and I miss my home country intensely at times.

I completely understand that it upsets you, but I think that you may need to work on developing your ability to be ok when you are by yourself. It's a good skill to posses.

mrspuddleduckie · 16/09/2014 08:57

My husband works and travels overseas 6-7 months a year, leaving me at home with two children, a part-time job, and a house to manage alone. We miss him, but it's perfectly do-able (and I adore having the whole bed to myself).

You may also find you're a lot more productive... I do so much more when my husband isn't here, as when he is home we just lounge around enjoying family time and chilling. You could find you have time to read a novel, watch a film he wouldn't like, eat when you feel like it, go for a long walk with headphones and favourite music etc.

I totally understand his need to go home for a few weeks of catching up. I do a week away back in my parents hometown on my own once-twice a year - and that's only 2 hours away! A couple of weeks is not very long at all, and you do sound a bit dramatic. Think of it as an opportunity to enjoy something different for a few weeks, that's all

raspberryslush · 16/09/2014 09:10

YABU but I think you have realised that over the course of the thread.

You do sound v needy. As someone else said, it is worth cultivating the skill of being by yourself and being happy by yourself sometimes.

BigBoobiedBertha · 16/09/2014 09:19

I thought, 'I'm worried I will miss him and feel abandoned and resentful' was a strange turn of phrase. It is like you aren't sure that you'll miss him or you can decide to feel abandoned and resentful. Perhaps you won't then and you are worrying for nothing.

Anyway, I think you have got by now that YABU. I used to miss my DH when he went away for up to 10 days at a time but that was pre-children, pre-Skype and all that. If he were to go now I would love it.

If you go over regularly for weekends why not go over in the middle of his fortnight for the weekend and break things up?

Original poster

NameChange30 · 16/09/2014 10:18

I am capable of being by myself and enjoying time apart from my husband. I think it is normal to not look forward to 2 weeks apart when you're not used to being apart for that length of time. But as people have said I'm sure it won't be as bad as I think and I will probably enjoy alone time. We all have our moments but I'm not generally an overly needy person, and I do think it's harsh to say I am based on one question I asked here.
I was thinking about why I was feeling "clingy" and it probably has something to do that he was diagnosed with a serious illness a year ago, since then I don't like us being apart for too long. Not to say we shouldn't spend time apart, just that you should cut me some slack ;)

OP posts:

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