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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go away for two weeks?

81 replies

NameChange30 · 15/09/2014 16:28

My husband is French, I'm English and we live in England. He's happy living here but he likes to go to France regularly to see family and friends, which is fair enough. We go to his parents' for a week every Christmas or New Year. This year he also wants to go for 2 weeks in November because his parents are going on holiday and he wants to look after their dog and see family and friends. He works from home so he can do that in France. I can't go because I work full time (in the office) and I've used up all my holiday for time we are both taking. Am I being pathetic for not wanting him to go for 2 weeks? It seems like a long time, I'm worried I will miss him and feel abandoned and resentful that he'd prefer to does two weeks with his parents' dog than being at home with me :( AIBU??

OP posts:
Legionofboom · 15/09/2014 16:48

I'm worried I will miss him and feel abandoned and resentful that he'd prefer to does two weeks with his parents' dog than being at home with me

This sounds quite self absorbed and dramatic tbh. He isn't abandoning you. He's going to help his parents out by looking after their home and dog and at the same time catch up with family and friends for two weeks.

And he isn't saying he'd rather be with the dog than you. He wouldn't go and look after a dog in a town where he knew no-one. Maybe he misses France more than he admits to you.

mumonashoestring · 15/09/2014 16:48

I don't think he's choosing his parents dog over you - he's choosing to use two weeks of leave that he's earned to stay in a familiar place catching up with friends who he doesn't see as often as he'd like to, with the added bonus of doing his parents a favour.

He chooses you every other week of the year :)

As others have suggested, why not enjoy a few peaceful evenings to yourself and pop over for a weekend visit?

WooWooOwl · 15/09/2014 16:48

He's not choosing his dog over you, you really need to let that one go.

If he was choosing his dog over you, then he wouldn't be living in your country instead of his own to be with you, would he.

He's choosing two weeks at home, without having to do parent duty, to have a bit of time to himself and to see his friends and just be in his homeland.

Yes you will miss him, but presumably you have a life of your own and things that you could spend time doing without him. If not, then that's where the problem is.

WorraLiberty · 15/09/2014 16:49

Well if you do plan kids, make sure you talk that out beforehand.

nikki1978 · 15/09/2014 16:50

Surely if you had any leave left he would love for you to go with him? So it isn't exactly his fault is it. YABU.

Fabulassie · 15/09/2014 16:50

I'm an expat in England, although from another English-speaking country, and I have to say that, even though I love it here, I sympathize with your husband's desire to be at home. He's probably just looking forward to being immersed completely in the land and culture he grew up in.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/09/2014 16:51

He's not even using his leave as he'll be working from home in France too. OP and her DP will still be able to go away together.

Well done OP for accepting that you were being unreasonable :)

kslatts · 15/09/2014 16:51

I agree with others, YABU.

My DH grew up in Ireland and often goes over there on his own. I actually quite enjoy it when he is away.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/09/2014 16:53

By the way you're allowed to miss him and feel a bit sad. Perhaps you could spend some quality time catching up with friends and family too :)

GlassNoodle · 15/09/2014 16:53

The dynamic of his holiday will be completely different for him as his parents aren't there - he will have a chance to properly catch up with his friends and hang out in his home country without worrying about them and what they want to do.

He is not "choosing his dog over you" - that does make you sound a bit clingy and insecure.

Original poster
NameChange30 · 15/09/2014 16:59

Thanks Ghoul Smile
OK the comment about the dog was silly.. You have all brought me back to my senses!
I agree that I probably don't realise (in denial?!) about how much he misses France... It would be a good idea to plan a few trips in advance so they're spaced out, which would be good for him because I know he feels worse when he hasn't been home for several months.
I do think it would be a good idea to discuss now what we're going to do when we have kids, I'm sure his parents are going to want to move in with us Wink But seriously it will be hard for them not to be close to their grandchildren. Still at least France is closer than most countries and we can visit each other often.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 15/09/2014 17:00

His parents being away might be part of the appeal. When we visit DH's parents we only tend to see them, not extended family, because of time constraints. With them away, he'll be able to catch up properly with friends/family he doesn't see often.

Sorry - YABU

Hattifattiner · 15/09/2014 17:14

Skype is your friend. He needs to keep up his "French"ness. Can you go over for the weekend in the middle? Two weeks is quite a long time but he is doing his parents a favour as well as getting some time to himself.
Don't be too dogmatic now about what you expect when you have children. He may well want to take them for extra time with the grandparents, to keep them in touch with their heritage.

SpringBreaker · 15/09/2014 17:17

France is hardly the other side of the world. Go over for the weekends.

Legionofboom · 15/09/2014 17:33

I agree with Ghoul you have been very gracious about accepting that YWBU.

I feel for your DH. I miss France terribly and I'm not even French.

icymaiden · 15/09/2014 17:36

Yanbu I thinkl your DH is being weird and selfish.Married couples do not normally holiday separately.

Nelly7890 · 15/09/2014 17:38

Try 6.5 months apart....

YABU. But you can see that already.

Use the time to do things you ordinarily wouldn't do when he's here; if that's a Sex and the City feat while drinking copious amounts of G and T, fine.

Stay busy and it will go in a flash.

Nelly7890 · 15/09/2014 17:39

fest not feat!

HerRoyalNotness · 15/09/2014 17:41

He isn't using any vacation to do this trip and you will still have your vacation later together. I think it's okay.

My DH travels to the UK to see his DD and his DPs without us, as we can't all afford to go, it's just how it is. He does use vacation time, but that doesn't bother me.

What does bother me are the business class trips with work he gets to go on, to places I want to go/that I have friends/family in. I always imagined I'd be the one travelling for work, he has stolen my life! Grin

whois · 15/09/2014 18:28

Yanbu I thinkl your DH is being weird and selfish.Married couples do not normally holiday separately

He's not using any holiday so read the thread. Or was your conjoined DH's head in the way?

Anyway OP it seems you've accepted you're being U so I won't pile in on top of everyone else.

Defo Skype lots and plan some nice things for yourself to take your mind off missing him. Try hard not to put too much 'I miss you, I'm lonely without you' etc onto him when he's away.

Could you go out for a weekend in the middle?

hamptoncourt · 15/09/2014 18:32

YABU but I think you have got the gist of that by now!

Are there people you are due to see/thing you want to do that you can plan whilst he is away? Have the girls round for pizza? Go and see a film he wouldn't fancy?

And you could of course go over for a cheeky weekend which would be rather fun wouldn't it?

You do sound very clingy to be honest. Put your big girl pants on and try to enjoy it. I hope the time passes really quickly for you.

Catsmamma · 15/09/2014 18:33

a tiny yabu, just because you asked .... and i'd try to get out in the middle weekend, can you shimmy your days off to get a long weekend and go be a french person?

GlassNoodle · 15/09/2014 18:34

2 weeks will go by in a flash :-) I could never move to a different country from my family - well maybe I could but it would be very very hard. Re. married couples not holidaying separately, what if you don't always want to go to the same place?! I'm going away for a week without my DH soon cos he just doesn't want to go to the weird places I like. It's fair enough if you've got the holiday time and the money I think...

ArabellaTarantella · 15/09/2014 18:36

If he goes for 10 days only.....will the dog starve for the other 4?

GilesGirl · 15/09/2014 18:39

I wonder how to get my husband to do this. And I have a son. :D