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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How can I say no without being rude

32 replies

Boomeranggirl · 15/09/2014 14:52

I've always been really selective when it comes to friends, every time I've tried to relax this approach a bit I've ended up in being bitten in the rear. Once very, very badly as the individual in question turned out to be a smiling knife kind of friend and did me quite a bit of harm. So nowadays I have a small group of really good friends who I know I can totally trust. Very happy with this, learnt my lesson, life is good.

Now I'm a mum I'm coming into contact with a lot of other mums, some I think are great, some I'm not so sure of. You can't like everyone and I'm sure some feel the same way about me too!

Recently one woman i met through a social event has contacted me and asked to meet up for a drink and I really don't want to get involved. From the outset I didn't really get a good vibe from her. There appear to be marital issues and she is very stressed out. She is quite abrupt generally and has been rude the couple of times I have come into contact with her, so I was a bit surprised she wanted to meet up. She is quite rough in handling her baby and it makes me wince a bit when I see it. I know after a while I'd be hard pressed not to say anything as I can bear to see children man handled.

My own life is extremely busy and any spare time I have is really precious to me as I want to spend it with my family or close friends. I don't have loads of free time to give to this lady and I just have a feeling it would go that way if I let it.

My inner voice is telling me to steer clear and not get dragged in. But on the other hand I feel a bit guilty as she is clearly going through a bad spot.

My DH thinks that she isn't interested in me as a person and just wants a shoulder to cry on. His view is once she's got what she wants she won't be interested at all. My Dh has been right in the past and I bitterly regret not listening to him before as he seems to see things more clearly than I do when emotions are involved.

How can I say that I don't want to meet up without hurting her feelings or causing tension? It's likely that I will bump into her again so I don't want there to be an atmosphere every time I do.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 14:55

Just say Im a bit busy right now. Or mabey, leaving it open ended.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 15/09/2014 14:55

Just tell her the truth, you are too busy.

FrootLoopy · 15/09/2014 14:57

Just be hard to pin down? Something 'Oh I'm really busy at the moment I'm afraid, but maybe later'.

But do be careful, a lot of people find that the friends they had before they had DC drift away a bit, because of the different activities they do. It would be nice to have some mum friends. You don't say how old your DC are/is, but you will come across more of these if you join play groups etc. As the others make friends, you can find yourself on the outer, with no one to visit with your child. Playdates without parental input don't happen until they've been school a bit.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 15/09/2014 15:01

Say you have a lot going on at the moment, and would hate to have to cancel plans at the last minute. Stick to the I am too busy line, it is true. Be friendly when you bump in to her, but non committal. Don't get her hopes up that you will be there for her soon though.

Original poster

Boomeranggirl · 15/09/2014 15:11

Thanks. I've tried the 'I'm really busy bit, but she's started emailing me now and has left it up to me to decide when. She got my email address off the social list.

froot I'm not worried about not having 'mum' friends, all of my close friends are mums with a mixture of different age children. There's no danger of them drifting away as we are a really close social circle, go on holiday together etc. Our kids are babies at the moment so they are too young for play dates.

OP posts:

QueenofallIsee · 15/09/2014 15:20

I think you just have to say no thank you - be brave!. You are an adult and you have the right to decide how you spend your free time, without justification or explanation if you so choose.

'thank you for thinking of me but I don't think so' - repeat, repeat, repeat. It is not rude to not want to do something

Original poster

Boomeranggirl · 15/09/2014 15:46

queen I totally agree with you but I'm just crap at actually doing it! I hate that frosty feeling whenever someone gets the hump! She's actually already given out this vibe to me before as I think she must have hinted at getting together before and i didn't respond. Last time I saw her there was this awkwardness, then I get an email from her. I think she must have a thicker skin than I have and this is what gives me a feeling that it could get tricky if I start a friendship with her.

Oh crap, I'm going to have to dig out my big girl pants aren't I?! I'm so rubbish at this.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 15:54

Yes put on your big girl pants and just say no your busy

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/09/2014 15:54

"I've tried the 'I'm really busy' bit, but she's started emailing me now and has left it up to me to decide when."

In which case you either put her in a holding-pattern (I'll be in touch when things have quietened down a bit) or never get back to her. If you don't have a good feeling about this person just remember that you owe her nothing. You have no obligation to see her or be careful of her feelings.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 15:56

If she has left it to you, just don't respond.

She is not your boss!

And ignore the awkwardness, just say a breezy 'hi' and if she asks say 'it's probably on my to-do list' and change the subject.

Sunflowersareblue · 15/09/2014 15:56

If you think it's awkward now, think how much worse it would be once you have got yourself stuck with something you can't get out of.

ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 15/09/2014 15:59

You can borrow my big girl pants if you like as I am too scared to wear them.

sunbathe · 15/09/2014 15:59

Could she be a potential Wendy?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 16:00

Yes do nothing, dont respond to her e mail, if she asks you again keep trotting out the line urns not a good time right now as I'm really busy.

BlueBrightBlue · 15/09/2014 16:02

What is a Wendy?

Vitalstatistix · 15/09/2014 16:02

Can you just say thanks for the offer to meet up, but I am very busy and can't take on any additional commitments at all.

and then don't reply any further.

Original poster

Boomeranggirl · 15/09/2014 16:09

Okay you are all speaking sense.

Just to get it straight in my head, wouldn't it be encouraging her if I sent her a holding email I.e. I'll be in touch?

I'm leaning towards the not emailing back but then I know I'm going to run into her at some point and it really is embarrassing to keep fending off invites or dealing with frostiness.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boomeranggirl · 15/09/2014 16:10

What is a Wendy?

OP posts:

youmakemydreams · 15/09/2014 16:11

I agree that you just need to be firm or ignore her. But I do also agree to a certain extent with fruitloopy as well. I have a great but small circle of friends we all have dc of varying but similar ages. This is great we do spend time together and go on holidays together but as the dc have grown up I have been forced to widen my social circle a little and socialise with people I wouldn't say I'm massively close to. The reason? As much as I love my friends and their dc and that generally all the dc get on the children themselves have gone to play group/school/nursery and made friends of their own as well.
Just because my friends and I are friends it doesn't mean our children are. I can honestly say that I have been surprised and made some good friends out of it as well but there does come a time where for your dc sake you have to get out that comfort zone a bit.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 15/09/2014 16:11

I think you'll just have to keep trotting out the "I'm busy" line.

Maybe reply to the email with something like "I'm just so busy that I rarely have free time and when I do I want to spend it with my family."

She can hardly get huffy about that.

Montegomongoose · 15/09/2014 16:13

Maybe email back, once:

'Hi, thanks so much for the offer of coffee and emailing to follow up. As I mentioned, things are quite hectic at the moment and sadly it looks this way for the foreseeable future.

It was really kind of you to think of me and of course I'll be in touch of things quieten down.'

Always go with gut instinct on these things I say!

GilesGirl · 15/09/2014 16:13

Just don't respond to her email. There is no law that says you have to.

Vitalstatistix · 15/09/2014 16:13

I believe it is used to mean someone who pretends to be a friend but then goes about systematically alienating you from your friendship group.

tbh, I find the other members of the group more of a problem than the 'Wendy'. If they are willing to behave like 10 yr olds because of one woman, they really aren't people you need to be bothering with.

sunbathe · 15/09/2014 16:14

Someone who you befriend, introduce to all your friends and then takes over, pushing you out of your friendship circle.

I was wondering why she was so insistent...
Or perhaps you're just really nice.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 15/09/2014 16:15

Re frostiness - Wouldn't you rather encounter a few frosty looks than spend time with her or have to keep fending off her invites?

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