How can I say no without being rude

[Boomeranggirl]

I've always been really selective when it comes to friends, every time I've tried to relax this approach a bit I've ended up in being bitten in the rear. Once very, very badly as the individual in question turned out to be a smiling knife kind of friend and did me quite a bit of harm. So nowadays I have a small group of really good friends who I know I can totally trust. Very happy with this, learnt my lesson, life is good.

Now I'm a mum I'm coming into contact with a lot of other mums, some I think are great, some I'm not so sure of. You can't like everyone and I'm sure some feel the same way about me too!

Recently one woman i met through a social event has contacted me and asked to meet up for a drink and I really don't want to get involved. From the outset I didn't really get a good vibe from her. There appear to be marital issues and she is very stressed out. She is quite abrupt generally and has been rude the couple of times I have come into contact with her, so I was a bit surprised she wanted to meet up. She is quite rough in handling her baby and it makes me wince a bit when I see it. I know after a while I'd be hard pressed not to say anything as I can bear to see children man handled.

My own life is extremely busy and any spare time I have is really precious to me as I want to spend it with my family or close friends. I don't have loads of free time to give to this lady and I just have a feeling it would go that way if I let it.

My inner voice is telling me to steer clear and not get dragged in. But on the other hand I feel a bit guilty as she is clearly going through a bad spot.

My DH thinks that she isn't interested in me as a person and just wants a shoulder to cry on. His view is once she's got what she wants she won't be interested at all. My Dh has been right in the past and I bitterly regret not listening to him before as he seems to see things more clearly than I do when emotions are involved.

How can I say that I don't want to meet up without hurting her feelings or causing tension? It's likely that I will bump into her again so I don't want there to be an atmosphere every time I do.

youmakemydreams fair point. I'm not totally restricted to just my circle of friends, I can do the social stuff no problem when required. What I get concerned about is full on, tell you everything, get dragged in to personal life really quickly people and have had bad experiences with this in the past. I'm sure I'll be able to do the school gate mum friends as I can happily chat away to people and really want DC to have a full on social life.

I can make friends btw! If I meet someone I think is fab or interesting I tend to try to develop a friendship slowly rather than jumping straight in.

A Wendy is someone that actively pursues a friendship with you. Then, when you've given them a social leg up and introduced them to your friendship groups or the school mums you talk to she backs off from you taking the friends with her and you're left baffled as to why no one is talking to you!

Ah, thank you, I have known a few Wendy's in my time.

Trust your gut feeling and don't get involved.

Don't respond. Seems to be the norm these days.

Don't respond and if she asks you about it again mutter something about "technology problems" (am spineless). In any case, avoid her, you are getting a clear message from your gut instinct, follow it!

It's strange she is being so insistent, you must be a lovely person! :-)

It's not a great solution but I can't think of a better one - I'd just trot out the 'busy' line and not say anything more encouraging like 'I'll be in touch'.

What is the social list she took your e-mail address from? If I don't give someone my e-mail address, and have them in my contacts, it goes into spam.
She left it up to you, so you can reply when you do want to get together with her. (40 years from now)