Not sure if im in the right place but I need advice regarding pregnancy/my mother.

[Random1999]

From what i understand of this thread (as i cant really find any others) its a place where youre told if youre being unreasonable/selfish or a bit of an ass...
Ill start off by saying im 15 years old (I turn 16 in February of 2015) and ive not long found out im pregnant, going by my period and calculations im between 10 and 12 weeks (also have been semi attached to the bathroom for the last month...)
ive had a LOAD of problems in the last 6 years, including domestic violence within my family (mother and father) which only really became apparent to me when he faced going to prison (when i was 8/9), when i was 13 i was sexually attacked by a family member, sorry if this is too much to share but im anonymous so not much more i can do to give you the whole picture :/ when i was 13 up until i turned 15, my life hit a downward spiral. drugs, sex, alcohol and worse was fair game to me... i attempted to overdose one week after i was attacked, (was living with my dad at the time we no longer speak due to these events) no one found me, no one came for me and no one looked for me... i woke up 11 hours later covered in my sick which smelt of whiskey and had bits of paracetamol in it, luckily my body had rejected it and i was fine. but the original point that no one came looking burned into my brain. i moved back in with my mother, where i got ALOT worse, drinking 3x more, smoking 60 a day, not going to school and not bothering with anything constructive, id go out at 7;30 to take the bus to school and be gone for 3 days easily. i also started self harming around that point. even now im covered in scars across my forearms, thighs, hips and wrists.
throughout this time the relationship id had with my mother suffered alot. she attacked me twice, told me to go play with my razors, told me she'd be better off without me. i think maybe she suffered too due to her own past with my father, i took stuff out on her too. in these last few months while ive gotten better shes gotten progressively worse, shouting constantly, crying, screaming, hitting me every so often and most recently pinning me to the wall with her knee, by my stomach, id found out i was pregnant just days before, so i walked out and came to my boyfriends house. im happy here and its calm no shouting no screaming no hitting and no atmosphere. she knows she is to blame for my RECENT behaviour (which includes just coming to my boyfriends, to basically hide from the world) the last time she called the police to report me missing i was getting texts and emails from police officers until i called the number id been sent and said straight up that id be home when ready and its no ones concern (yes it was a bit bratty of me i'll admit that) i rarely go 'home' to my mothers, im there at most 8 days a month all together because i just cant stand it there... today is my big sisters birthday, shes 22, shes pretty neutral to our mother because she suffered it to and left home at 16 as a result, i cant even go to my sisters to wish her a happy birthday because my mum will be there and does always try to cause a scene if and when she can :/ i think you get the jist. sorry i went on so long... basically i just wanna know if its bad of me to run for the hills as fast as i can as often as i can until im 16 (again if calculations are correct baby will be here april ish i think so ill be 16), put my baby first and cut down contact with my mother completely? i love her, i feel guilty for this but she just makes me feel so hurt, frustrated, on edge and angry :/ also sorry if im in the wrong place just wanted to know that, be helpful to get perspective off older women too (no offence..)

also id like to add i am getting prenatal care, taking vitamins, eating as healthy as possible (then chucking it up again ffs ew) and have cut down smoking (and gone 8 days without one at all hopefully itll get easier!) A bit more info, my boyfriend is 17 and weve been together since november of last year, he has a job but lives with his father who is quite ill (i stay there also, i help out, watch his dad while hes at work and genuinely get along with family and friends who come over its like the first real family ive ever had). i havent spoken to my midwife about any of this, mainly because she saw me for a grand total of 11 minutes then chucked me out the door :/ x

What adults know you are pregnant sweetheart? Are you still at school? You need to tell the safeguarding officer. Your life is very fractured and you need consistent help and support through this. Im guessing there is a lot of external agency (SS) etc) involvement in your life, it may be that you also need to arrange that your legal care/guardianship transfers over to your BFs family.

I'm thinking you deal with ther now rather than worrying about your mother come April.

I wish you well

Your mum is a detrimental influence in both your mental and physical health. Feel no regret in cutting contact, speaking as someone who did similar 20 years ago I am very glad I did.

Please get in touch with the midwife again, you will at least need a 12 week scan to check all is ok, for yours and baby's sake.

Sorry for being so blunt, just wrestling my 1 year old but didn't want to read and run.

My boyfriends dad/family all know, my GP knows as does my midwife. i do attend counselling every 3 weeks, which is more than enough for me and will be discontinued when i turn 16 (providing im still in a healthy state of mind, otherwise it can and would continue until 18 or 19 or id be referred to the adult mental health services) my mother has a full residence order on me, by the time its sorted out id be 16 anyway, i know how long court cases can take and the case in which she won the order took 10 months itself, im 16 in 5 months. i dont feel i need anymore support as such as im trying to figure it out by myself, which im doing pretty good at, i have my first scan tomorrow (called a date scan i think?O.O) there is no social services involvement in my life whatsoever, as we all contested it with very good reason and they did me way more harm than good when i was a little kid and did not soften the blow of emotional trauma only made it worse and really did stick a spanner in the works when we were trying to rebuild our lives as a family, ive not even spoken to one(social worker) since i was about 10 and call me traumatised but i really dont want to :/ xx

its fine to be blunt, im going to my first scan today/tomorrow (basically later today. grr lack of sleep-..-) i know shes very detrimental to my mental health and i think id be better sooner if she wasnt such an asshat sometimes. i just feel guilty and like im abandoning her ;/ also to the lady who asked ive not attended school since i was 14, i refused to attend point blank (i was going through alot and behaved like a complete asshole), so my mum was given two options. pull her out of school and let her educate herself as shes capable of doing so then put her through college or go to prison for 90 days. they werent very helpful so i had to leave, i asked for shorter days or to be given work for home while i attended counselling for anger management and anxiety but they refused it was our only option... im kind of used to being shit on by adults ;/ i know on paper i need support but looking at my 'track record' i dont think i need it. at 13 before i was living with my mother i was attending school, looking after an alcoholic and paying bills out of whatever money i could get off my dad (whos best friend was white storm cider)...

Hi Random - it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. I am also pregnant (a bit earlier than you) so understand what a tough time it can be both physically and emotionally and sounds like you are doing all the right things for your baby's health. Well done especially on the quitting smoking!

While I know things are stressful with your mum, it does sound like you both care for each other and relationships to those you are closest too can get very tense. She is perhaps struggling to understand what you need from her at this time, or how to be there for you. Does she know you're pregnant? I think you can only take things slowly and carefully right now for both you and baby, try not to make any rash or drastic decisions which could be driven or aggravated by the hormones which will be coursing through your body. You don't want burn bridges at a time when you will be needing as much support as you can get, so try to keep your options open and keep relations as peaceful as you can.

I am very shocked to hear about your midwife. They should have spent more time with you and given more support. Do you have anyone else you can trust for support? Any relative (like your sister) or professional you can go to? Early pregnancy can be a scary and vulnerable time and you need people you can trust and who can help, support and advise you. You might find there are local charities or organisations who can help you and your family if you approach them. I work for one which offers counselling, advice and family mediation and accommodation for young mums. There are lots of people who would be there for you.

In the meantime, if you find the Antenatal Clubs thread you can find a group of others expecting a baby around the same time - this can be useful to swap and share experiences and understand what others are going through, but do think you would benefit from extra support in real life too.

I hope this is helpful. Am sure others might add to this but didn't want to read and run - especially at the time of the morning. Take care of yourself and that little baby of yours

Oh love, what a difficult time for you. You sound so very mature and like a lot of people have let you down.

Is it possible for you to move in with your boyfriend permanently?

You need to do what is best for your little baby, and it sounds as if that means not being around your mother.

What's your relationship like with your sister? Can you call/text her even if you can't go round there? Will she give you some support since she knows what your parents have been like?

You need as much support as possible right now, be it from other family members/your boyfriend and his family/your school. Please seek help where you can as this is a tough burden to carry at any age.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

because my mum likes to cause trouble alot its kinda killed my sister and i's relationship, also doesnt help that there is 7.5 year age gap and she moved out when she was 16 and couldnt hack it anymore, she just stays neutral to everything. she has a gorgeous baby whos one in october and uses him as an excuse to not see my mother quite often (shes told me that herself) but birthdays and christmas cant really be avoided for her, so i tend to avoid them. she lives her own life now and she does know i am pregnant, she does try to be there for me and supportive and has even been sorting out baby clothes and her moses basket which she used for her baby for me so i dont need to spend quite as much money out on stuff, it just isnt the same though and she refuses to talk about my mother or our past, its easier for her to turn her back because when we all get involved with my mother we all end up against each other and her, which is hardly healthy to say the least. so we tend to keep the issue of her out of everything. Id rely on her for a friend, not much else though... sad as it sounds.

i have moved in here permanently, sort of. all of my stuff is here and im at my mothers maybe 3-8 days a month all together to keep the peace with her i guess. im welcome here and my boyfriend is clearing out the spare room for a nursery, doing an hour or so a day after work which is the best he can really. were trying to sort ourselves out and doing a damn good job i think its just my mother really;/ i only mentioned my past so youd all understand a little better why ive no faith in any system and why my mother was so detrimental to me as opposed to if i wasnt so vulnerable at the time.

It sounds like you are handling things sensibly with your family, by giving yourself space and time. I would just advise to not make any permanent decisions at this stage. Relationships tend (as I'm sure you know) to change over time and you might find things get better once the baby arrives or over time. I think you are right to prioritise yourself at this stage.

Just one extra suggestion I would give. Whilst it is great you have the support of your boyfriend and his family, I do think it is important to also have someone independent and outside the situation who is entirely there in the interests of you and your baby. As you are under age and at a very vulnerable stage, then it is definitely worth having someone who is entirely focused on you. That should be your midwife, but maybe you need to go back to your gp or counsellor and ask for some additional support?

I do understand and am considering asking my counsellor to increase visits, i can have up to 6 a month if i need it, not much can be done through my GP i tried CAHMS and SARC (sexual assault referal centre), SARC wasnt great for me as the assault i suffered was so rarely seen in such close relations and with someone theyd been raised with so it seemed they didnt quite know how to take me, cahms told me i was coping brilliantly... i was pulling my hair out on the bus journey down:/ i think ill stick to my counselor, nothing against NHS referred help but it isnt great where i live it seems

I can't write to you now but will come back later.

ok thank you cc.x

I'm am so sorry that you feel let down by the professionals who are meant to be there for you. Maybe try a specialist charity instead who can help/advise/support and help you 'tackle' and navigate the system?

I'm not sure if I can post links, but maybe google teenage pregnancy charity in your local area. A couple of national ones which come up on my search are: Straight Talking and Best Beginnings. I don't know them but they seem to specialise in this area. The BB website also reminded me that some areas have midwives who specialise in teenage pregnancy support. It might be worth specifically asking or checking if this is the case in your area?

im in a pretty rural area, the nearest off license is 7 miles away ;/ i used to have to get 3 buses to get to school, CAHMS and such, its a 40 minute drive to the hospital for me today yawn i have had a look for teenage groups/charities for young mothers but cant really seem to find any in my area, nearest i found is 40 miles away, not much good for me ;/ x

i will have a look at the places you mentioned tho, maybe they do something near me? i dunno. thank you all the same :) x

I have tried to send you a private message. Can you find it? (I've never used them before) if you would share whereabouts you can then I might be able to help find some local options.

have messaged back, i think O.O, i dont want to post whereabouts on a public forum but have messaged it to you x

Have replied!

Morning Random, I hope you managed some sleep since I last messaged you.

Firstly I think you should be so proud of yourself. You write as a strong young woman who had been through more than most adults could cope with all before you are 16.

I am pleased you have a safe haven with you boyfriends family but given how relationships are put under a lot of pressure with a pregnancy and new baby, being so young adds another level of pressure and as others have said I would suggest a safety net of an external 3rd party just in case anything gets too much at his house. I'm sure it won't as he sounds very supportive and like he is doing all he can to do the best for you and the baby but still feel you should have an emergency plan just in case. Sleepless nights, hormones and the responsibility put a lot of pressure on you both, I know, my son is 4 1/2 months old and I've been with my husband for 7 years and those last few months of pregnancy and first few as new parents are tough for everyone.

You sound very happy with your partner and that you are having this baby which is great but you are in a difficult time in your life. Please don't take this the wrong way, I would ask this if you were in the same situation at 25, is this the right time to have a baby for you? Have you thought about the various options? I'm guessing you have as you sound like you have your head screwed on but felt I just had to ask. I know even without all the difficulties you have going on, I couldn't have had a baby before I was 25, way too much pressure, responsibility and although I will probably be struck down on here for selfish reasons I wanted to do more with my life as just me first before being a mummy. As for me, once you are a mum they come first.

Know I know lots of people have children young and go on to further education and have great careers as travel etc but it is so much harder.

You sound happy and clear in your choice but I only wanted to point out it was a choice as no one else had.

I guess the next question is what do you want from your future relationship with your mum? Perhaps write down how you see your future for you and your baby, is your mum in that picture?

I get the impression that perhaps you need to step away from we for a while and concentrate on you and your baby, once you are happy and settled in that role as a new mum you could start to welcome your mum back into your life carefully from a place of strength and security where she can't damage you or your baby further.

Can you speak to your councilor about having some joint counciling with your mum? Also a session or two with your boyfriend might also help prepare you both for being new parents, understanding what each others expectations of the other one are and how your life will change once your little one arrives.

On a more a more practical note, join your local Facebook baby selling groups as well as local FB freecycle groups. You can ask for things as well as just look up what is for sale and get loads for just a few pounds. People are so kind, you just need to ask. Helped me no end. I couldn't lift my baby for the first 2 months so needed a crib which joined to the side of my bed - get one best thing ever - no need to get out of bed during the night. I asked and people were so lovely, one lady offered to lend me one she had 2 months hire left on for free, another was going to get hers out of the loft for me for only £50 (new they are over £300) in the end a friend saw my request and lent me hers. Big bundles of clothes for £3. Also look out for your local NCT sales, you can get loads for just a few pounds.

Help and support.

www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/ntpmn

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/pages/teenager-pregnant.aspx]

Search for your local council support for teen pregnancy. They will be able to let you know all your local support groups as well as any help you can get.

I hope your scan goes well today. Are you going with your boyfriend? I'm glad that his family are being your family over this.

Take care and well done for being so amazing

This charity is really helpful. Worked with them myself. Only a couple of hours a week but makes a difference.

www.home-start.org.uk/

Hi Random

Sorry you've had a really crap few years and although having a baby so young can be very difficult it can be a reason to turn your life around.

My daughter got pregnant at 15 and lots of people told her that she had ruined her life, but it is just not true. She continued with her education, albeit by a different route and then she got an apprenticeship. I'm very proud of her and I know that she would say that she wouldn't regret for a second having her kids.

Her situation was a bit different in that she had lots of family support but her boyfriend's family sound very like yours. I'm glad that your partners family sound a lot more supportive.

There are lots of resources out there for teenage mums...she had a specific teenage midwife (not herself a teenager obviously, but one who dealt only with pregnant teens )

If you'd like to PM me I can maybe offer a bit more advice - but good luck and congratulations anyway

My scan went well, im 13 weeks and baby is fine thank god i was quite worried. I have been looking into support agencies but cant really seem to find any, Ive seen a few who classify as giving national support so will try to give them a call in the morning as phone lines are about to close (most close at 5) sorry ive been unable to update this thread, i had my scan at 11am, got home and just crashed out in bed have literally just woken up about 20 minutes ago.
to the lady who asked if im sure i want to be a parent yes i am, no disrespect to women who have had abortions but I just cant do it myself. as for adoption I dont think im capable of growing this little baby inside me for another 29 weeks then handing it to someone else. it just feels wrong and i already love my baby. please dont take that disrespectfully to anyone here whove had abortions or given a baby up for adoption everyone is different but that isnt for me.
I do have a 3rd party 'plan' which im 100% sure i wont need but still need one i guess just in case. My sister has said 'hes only 17, he may be unable to support you completely theres a hot meal and bed here for you, for as long as you need it' so a nice way of saying(for her) 'if he does a runner come here to me'
I tried counseling with my mother (with my current counselor who is amazing) and it did no good. only made things worse. we got home and the first thing she said was "how dare you say those things" it was thrown up at me constantly for about a month until i snapped, sadly out of anger and told her i said those things because they were true and its how i feel, if she didnt like it she had to stop behaving like a dick. thats what got me pinned down with her knee, id gotten a positive pregnancy test literally days before and the fact her knee was on my stomach kind of stuck the final nail in the coffin for me. I dont want anything to do with her, at all. ever. shes done too much to me and my sister (who had it twice as bad, easily) for me to harbour any form of true want to be around her, i just feel guilty for leaving as it "broke her heart" when my sister left, nevermind the fact everytime my sister came around my mother would make up a (extremely obvious) excuse to get her to leave (like "oh look is 10;30 were going out at 11'' just after stating she was having a lazy day in her PJ's) then would bitch about the fact my sister was never there and didnt care, everyone would believe her except me who saw it all first hand. not much i could do at that time, i was about 9-11 when these things were happening... I dont know why i feel so guilty, but my mother revels in it and uses it to her full advantage believe me :(

Hi random,

Your midwife will be referring you to social services, so they can help put you in touch with the various local support groups plus can often help you access baby equipment, help sort out your benefits and continue your education. Have you heard anything from them yet?