Not sure if im in the right place but I need advice regarding pregnancy/my mother.

[Random1999]

From what i understand of this thread (as i cant really find any others) its a place where youre told if youre being unreasonable/selfish or a bit of an ass...
Ill start off by saying im 15 years old (I turn 16 in February of 2015) and ive not long found out im pregnant, going by my period and calculations im between 10 and 12 weeks (also have been semi attached to the bathroom for the last month...)
ive had a LOAD of problems in the last 6 years, including domestic violence within my family (mother and father) which only really became apparent to me when he faced going to prison (when i was 8/9), when i was 13 i was sexually attacked by a family member, sorry if this is too much to share but im anonymous so not much more i can do to give you the whole picture :/ when i was 13 up until i turned 15, my life hit a downward spiral. drugs, sex, alcohol and worse was fair game to me... i attempted to overdose one week after i was attacked, (was living with my dad at the time we no longer speak due to these events) no one found me, no one came for me and no one looked for me... i woke up 11 hours later covered in my sick which smelt of whiskey and had bits of paracetamol in it, luckily my body had rejected it and i was fine. but the original point that no one came looking burned into my brain. i moved back in with my mother, where i got ALOT worse, drinking 3x more, smoking 60 a day, not going to school and not bothering with anything constructive, id go out at 7;30 to take the bus to school and be gone for 3 days easily. i also started self harming around that point. even now im covered in scars across my forearms, thighs, hips and wrists.
throughout this time the relationship id had with my mother suffered alot. she attacked me twice, told me to go play with my razors, told me she'd be better off without me. i think maybe she suffered too due to her own past with my father, i took stuff out on her too. in these last few months while ive gotten better shes gotten progressively worse, shouting constantly, crying, screaming, hitting me every so often and most recently pinning me to the wall with her knee, by my stomach, id found out i was pregnant just days before, so i walked out and came to my boyfriends house. im happy here and its calm no shouting no screaming no hitting and no atmosphere. she knows she is to blame for my RECENT behaviour (which includes just coming to my boyfriends, to basically hide from the world) the last time she called the police to report me missing i was getting texts and emails from police officers until i called the number id been sent and said straight up that id be home when ready and its no ones concern (yes it was a bit bratty of me i'll admit that) i rarely go 'home' to my mothers, im there at most 8 days a month all together because i just cant stand it there... today is my big sisters birthday, shes 22, shes pretty neutral to our mother because she suffered it to and left home at 16 as a result, i cant even go to my sisters to wish her a happy birthday because my mum will be there and does always try to cause a scene if and when she can :/ i think you get the jist. sorry i went on so long... basically i just wanna know if its bad of me to run for the hills as fast as i can as often as i can until im 16 (again if calculations are correct baby will be here april ish i think so ill be 16), put my baby first and cut down contact with my mother completely? i love her, i feel guilty for this but she just makes me feel so hurt, frustrated, on edge and angry :/ also sorry if im in the wrong place just wanted to know that, be helpful to get perspective off older women too (no offence..)

oh Random - things sound tough for you and it sounds like things haven't been good for a while

all new parents need support - being a mum is hard - so please do take any and all help offered

SS have a duty of care towards you and your baby - this is why they will be involved - you are 15 and not really living in a safe or secure place

school, your Midwife, SS etc are all there to help you

Good luck x

Actually social services is optional If you ask for it to be, ive been told i have to write a letter to a set address and ask my counselor if i need assistance doing so, this letter will detail what support i feel i need (none) and if it is none, i may have one visit to make 100% sure that i dont need or want support from social services, but no longterm involvement which is what i want. there are no local support groups nearest is in the next town (19 mile drive) which is kinda upsetting but ill keep looking, I wont be using benefits except possibly child benefits as my boyfriend earns between 760 and 850 a month depending on his hours which isnt alot but if were very careful enough to support us all (as we wont pay any rent here or any bills only help out with food), Although im aware were gonna struggle on extreme levels even if finances take a back seat for a bit. sleepless nights, worry, stress and everything will put a strain on both of us, i think we will get through it, albeit sick covered and half dead from tiredness.

I dont go to school guys i know you mean well but i sort of left a year ago ;/, i am living in a safe and secure place now, its the place i came from to get here that isnt safe or secure. ive refused social services and have no faith in any (NHS) support aside from my counselor. i am looking for charities and organisations but cant seem to find any really. will call my counselor tomorrow also to see if shes got any ideas.

I have pm'd you !

Find out who your health visitor will be. They will know all the local support groups and will contact them for you. If the first one you are assigned isn't helpful ask to change. Mine is great and came to see me at home until my son was 3 months as I have had mobility issues with my back due to birth.

Also look up your local Baby Cafe www.thebabycafe.org/ its not just breast feeding support. You can also go along to local babies and bumps groups which are run by the local NCT charity and are free to attend.

I'm good at researching things, if you pm your location I will have a hunt for you.

PM me if you want CC, having trouble sending them but ok replying for some reason O.O i will try to find out who my health visitor is, And if im not satisfied i will ask for a change, Will have a look at thebabycafe.org x

As your baby is born and as he/she grows up you will understand why you should feel no guilt for cutting contact with your mother - no "mother" would do to their dc what she has to you - she is lucky to have had such thoughts of worry and concern about her - she does not deserve you by simple virtue of giving birth - it is what you do next that counts - the parenting bit, you can bestow upon your child the nurturing and protection that any parent should offer - all the things she did wrong you can do right - and that includes protecting your baby from negative people like her - that will be more of a legacy for her than any further relationship which hurts her daughter and gc it's a shame she won't appreciate it as her gc grows to be a happy healthy person and her daughter overcomes all the challenges she has faced before she was even an adult but that won't happen with her in your life - she makes you unhappy and is abusive which will only drag you back and away from your baby who needs you strong - mentally and physically.

You sound very grounded - you will be finexx

thank you, maddening, the lovely messages are appreciated from all. i will try to be the best kind of mother i can be- one thats worlds away from my own x

Ps it is worth considering looking at college courses while your dc is growing - build your future for you and your dc def try to get at least 5 gcse's - and while you do that think about what you do and don't enjoy - you can really help yourself by finding your passions so that you can find employment that you enjoy and that you could succeed in. You might find that with the focus of having a baby and doing your qualifications for yourself under your own contract with yourself and for your own future that you actually enjoy it.

I did apply for college in august but was rejected due to over crowding, but have been told i stand a good chance of enrolling for january or september sadly i cant (will be heavily pregnant/ have a young baby) but i am looking to start in 2016 or 2017, where my baby will be just old enough to use the on site creche while i do a part time course, i cant afford my GCSE's privately and dont have the time to do it through college as its a full time course but what i can do is achieve a level one course, then level 2, level 3 then uni, job or apprenticing. most likely one of the latter two if i take on part time volunteer work on weekends or after college (so my boyfriend can look after baby) to build up references so when i finish i can get a job, i'll finish when my child is around 4 or 5, so until then we'll struggle but hopefully itll pay off at the end of it x

just to extend, private gcse's (so home study by myself then just paying for the exams) will cost me 60 quid per gcse MINIMUM not incl admin fees, doing it through college will cost me just 20 quid per gcse buti get help and support while learning, sadly that is 8 hours a week per gcse so if i did just one it'd take me 5 years(or 2 if i did 16 or more hours a week) to achieve the same qualifications i could do in two years with level one and level two college courses, but then id have to do level one and two ontop of the gcse's for an additional two years then another two years doing level 3 so id far rather spend 4 years gaining my qualifications than 2 building foundations for qualifications that need no foundations, if that makes sense x

I'm cheering you on reading this thread! You sound so smart finding out your options and planning for your future, you have your whole life ahead of you and you're going to have your gorgeous baby by your side too.

I won't lie, it's not going to be a bed of roses. I'm a young mum and it's the hardest thing I've ever done but absolutely the most worthwhile.

All the very best to you xxx

Cool - didn't know you can do the foundations - fab plan!

thank you daftsocks, i know it wont be easy id be blinkered if i thought otherwise and the next 5 years will be the hardest as long as i can give my family the best future possible the stress and hardship will be worth it x

yeah if you do a level one (takes one year,no qualifications req) youre then qualified to do level two for one year, then the level 3 for 2 years then with UCAS points and such you can either go to uni or get a job, most likely will be the latter for me

Hi OP. You are doing the very best thing for you and your baby by stepping away from your mother. I think people may be saying don't do anything permanent because you are still young and there's the "what if" aspect but toxic mothers are toxic whether you are 16, 36 or 66. Your mother has been violent towards you and that is unacceptable. I am no contact with my own mother. Have been for several years now with a brief period of contact in the middle of those years where I tried to give her another chance. She is damaging and both I and my children deserve better, as do you and yours.

You are young. You have plenty of time to worry about education. Having a baby young (had my first at 19/20) is incredibly incredibly hard. It is lifechanging in ways you didn't think possible and you will need time to process that, and to bond with your baby, learn how to feed, change them, deal with all the newborn no sleep stuff. I would strongly advise that you don't throw studying into that already stressful mix, give it time. It also wouldn't be wise to let your mother back into your life at a time when you will be at your most vulnerable (exhausted, recovering from childbirth, sleep deprived etc). Yes have a vague plan that you would like to look into studying when baby is x old. Yes have some long term goals. But right now focus on being well mentally and rested, and away from the negative influences in your life.

You come across very mature and level headed, which is a testament to you and the strength you've had in overcoming all the obstacles life's thrown at you so far. Your baby is very lucky to have you, and I think you will be just fine.

I dont know if i posted but im planning on college in 2016/2017 when my baby will be 1 or 2 so im sure id have settled in enough to do a part time course with baby in the creche on site, i wouldnt like to have a newborn baby and study, to me thats just too much pressure im being as careful as possible in terms of managing time and stress but alot needs to be done x

You definitely need to stay away from your mum Random, she's not good for you or your baby-sadly. Good luck with everything, you seem very sure about what you want to do and how so I'm sure it will be fine. Yoga and chocolate are great for stress :)

Random - not sure if you've seen but I've sent you another PM

i love her so so so much because shes my mum honestly id take a bullet for her without question, it just hurts so much because although i love her as my mum i cant stand her as a person, if that makes sense, and the conflicting emotions just makes me feel so awful and guilty, It was very similar for my sister (no pregnancy involved) so its good to know the aftermath itll cause i guess, my sister just ended up ignored and constantly whined about to anyone who'll listen, id rather that than real problems. Kind of different though as my sister ran for the hills but kept in touch., i dont really wanna keep in touch. My mum has a long term rental and phone contract, so i'll be able to find her for a few years, if i ever want to. if not i have a few relatives who will always know where she is. Its heartbreaking for me to sit and think about never seeing my mum again or even just for a few years... No real idea why as stated i dont really like her, but i do love her ;/ damn you emotions.

random I've had a similar life,although I'm 35 now.

I had a baby when I'd just turned 16. I had a terrible relationship with my mother. I took drugs - lots of them. Got myself in hideous situations.

I had to stop speaking to my mother because my brain and heart couldn't take it any more. I was an emotional wreak when I'd been with her - angry, frustrated, hurt. I just wanted her to love me- be like all the other mums I knew. My dad was shit as well. My brother doesn't speak to her either. I contacted her after six years and she hadn't changed on bit. Nice at first then soon turned again. It's been 13 years now. I do miss the mum id like her to be.

My mum had her own issues from her past but I realised they were nothing to do with me and I had to walk away from her. You know what I realised I couldn't help her and walking away was the best thing I did.

Regarding my dd. It was bloody hard. No joke. Skint. Tired. Hormonal. But she is 19 now and beautiful and I'm so fucking proud of her. It's doable - you will be fine if you accept help.

Just for a while I would give yourself breathing space.

PM me if you want xxx

justyouwaitandsee i havent recieved any PM's, im glad youre ok now Anotherchapter, its very hard to accept that you cant help your own mum :( not sure if shes a bad person or if she is genuinely scarred from domestic abuse and her own bad childhood (where she also had a baby at 15 going on 16), shes been like this since as long as i could remember, when i was about 6 i said ''Oh fishcakes'' (copying mum since she used to say it rather than the f word), she thought id said fuck so charged across the room and slapped me, not the way to discipline a 6 year old by any means, there were quite a few incidents like that. id have nightmares due to my father playing scary ps1 and ps2 games (like resident evil, parasite eve and such, a bit jumpy for me now at 15 nevermind a little child), both would slap me across the legs or face and throw me back into bed were my sister would have to hold me while i cried myself to sleep, Sticks in my craw to this day.... Guess im just used to it now, doesnt help the animosity as i always feel so angry at her. maybe due to the way she treated me when i was an innocent child or a vulnerable victim im not sure, But neither helped me at all and only served to make me worse and drew me to the wrong sorts of people. sorry if im constantly whining about my crappy ass past but its good to vent to my computer screen.

Nothing practical to add but bloody well done you for being so damn grounded & generally amazing in what sound like truly awful circumstances. You should be proud of yourself

thanks :) trying to be positive, thank you lovely people for allowing me to rant and rave x

Hi Random - how strange. Have resent!