To treat our dc differently?

[SixImpossible]

We're considering making computer/TV/tablet etc use conditional on good behaviour for two of our dc, using the pasta jar method.

Dh says we should have three pasta jars going, one for each dc.

I say we should have only two, for the two dc whose behaviour is a problem. The other dc's behaviour is not a problem, and they should continue to have relatively unrestricted access to screen time.

Dh says that this is unfair.

WWYD?

Ages of each?

If the third child's behaviour is not a problem then they won't have their screen time restricted because they will always fulfil whatever conditions you lay down for the others anyway.

So for example if you say no screens until your room is tidy and one child always has a tidy room anyway then they may as well all have the same rule, the tidy child will get unrestricted access as reward for already good behaviour with no need for different rules.

What is the pasta jar method?

Assuming the 3 dc are all close in age I think that your DH is probably right and all children should have the same opportunities to earn rewards (or receive sanctions) as each other. If the DC you are not considering for this is a lot older/younger than the other two it might be okay not to do this.

As catsofa says, if the 3rd DC's behaviour is always good then they will always fulfil the criteria anyway and so won't find their screen time etc restricted. It does mean though that things are fair on the occasions when your better behaved DC does act out of line.

DH is right. You can't have one rule for two and a different rule for the other one (unless there is a large age gap).

The well behaved child will earn their screen time anyway so it will make no difference to the actual amount of time they have.

No you can't do that. Not least because you would be labelling one as "good" and the others as "naughty"

They all have a jar. If third dc always behaves well they will always have enough pasta.
Have you considered your other two dc may act out because you favour your other dc?

can you explain the pasta jar method please?

Definitely a jar each. Otherwise the implication is that one child is never ever naughty, which can't be true.

And what is the pasta jar method?

A jar each.
Perhaps having the third child's jar on display will help your other two?

Yes...interested in the pasta jar method pls..

A jar each. Otherwise you risk one being "the golden child".

And if the third DC doesn't have problem behavior, he/she will always get his/her time anyway, as others have said.

Dc are 14, 11, 8. The behaviour problem is rudeness and unco-operativeness. Oh, and fighting.

The eldest rarely behaves this way. Not saying that they are perfect just that they are rarely difficult. The others do see the eldest being told off. Of course each of them claims that we favour the others when they get into trouble.

Pasta method is that you have a jar with thresholds marked on the side. Any behaviour that you wish to encourage adds a piece of pasta, anything you wish to discourage results in a piece of pasta being removed. When the level of pasta reaches the threshold, the child gets the agreed reward.

Infant schools do something similar with climbing rainbows and earning Golden Time.

Since he/she is the oldest it's a bit different I suppose, as it could just be seen as something for the younger two. Still, I'd do all of them. :)

I've just made a clock for DS (7) that is set at his bedtime, but will be moved back 15 mins for every instance of shouting or arguing (his problem behaviors) and then that will be his bedtime for the evening "because you're such a good boy, and if you're not making good choices you must be tired and need an earlier bedtime." Sigh...something's got to work!

Best of luck with the pasta jars. :)

Can't see pasta jar working for a 14 yr old

I think since the eldest is 14 you should explain to the younger DC that you will be monitoring his behaviour in a more teenage/grown up way. But that he WILL be monitored.

They use pasta jar type incentive in our primary school but not at secondary.

Can't see pasta jar working for an 11 year old either! By that age s/he is old enough to understand without the visual aid of a pasta jar.

Is the pasta jar more to help you keep track? Our system is 15 minute wait till they can start screen time for every piece of bad behaviour, reinstated if behaviour improves. But with only one child it is easy to keep track of that.

Just set behaviour they need to achieve in order to EARN the right to screen time (rather than screen time being removed for bad behaviour). If the eldest is well behaved, they will earn the right for screen time.

Pasta in a jar just sounds a bit too much. It's far easier to remove pasta than it is to add it, because you don't always notice the good behaviour.

I think that at 11 I would have found a pasta jar really quite patronising; I definitely would at 14. I agree that it's something for younger (primary school aged - lower school at that) children where they need a visual reminder of the consequences of their behaviours.

If your youngest came home from school and said there was a new rewards system at school but one child in the class isn't taking part but will get all the rewards what would you think?

YABU. Aside from the unfairness, it would act as a positive example to the other two to see the well-behaved one "earning" their pasta.

Oh god, at 14 and 11 the pasta jar seems a joke and very patronizing. I thought you were talking about small kids. If at 14 and 11 they can't behave then you need to work on that rather.

I think the two eldest are just too old for this kind of reward scheme - at 11 my DS would have just thought I'd gone bonkers .