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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding DP and his kids on access weekends?

38 replies

OneThingAfterTother · 14/09/2014 17:13

Looking for honest opinions.

DP's sons (17 and 19) visit every saturday night until Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I always knew that getting with someone with kids would mean access weekends but I suppose I assumed that by the ages of 17 and 19 this would no longer be in operation and that a more flexible approach would be in use. Even with regards to my own kids I assume that by this age they will be independent on weekends and every Saturday night won't be spent entertaining them. So one issue is that I'm starting to feel a bit put out that EVERY saturday night we're stuck in entertaining "kids" who actually are not kids but young adults. I thought by now DP and I could go out on Saturday nights and enjoy ourselves but no, he won't do anything with me on a Saturday night as it's access night.

Another issue here is that DP is absolutely fine with us going out and leaving my (younger) kids at home alone but won't do the same with his.

This coming weekend for example he his due to attend a wedding do on the saturday night and wants me to go with him. He originally said "it will be fine, I'll leave the kids home - they're old enough to look after themselves for a few hours." Now he's saying he'll have the kids Friday night instead so that he doesn't have to leave them alone Saturday night. But my kids will still be left alone!!

Similar scenario weekend after - he wants me to go with him on a night out on the Friday night which again means my kids will be left home alone.

I can't help thinking that it doesn't seem right, reorganising access weekend so avoid leaving a 17 and 19 year old lad at home alone yet not caring whatsover about leaving the other two (my two!) aged 13 and 15 alone.

When I tell him how I feel he says "yeah but you have your kids all week, I only get to see mine one night a week" - I can kind of see his point but at what age do you say "well, the kids are growing up now we can have our weekends back!" We seem to have got there already with mine despite the younger ages.

If I'm being unreasonable fair enough I'll hold my hands up but I just never expected to still be entertaining kids on a weekend at the ages of 17 and 19. I'm not sure I want to live my life like this if it's going to go on for much longer, it's not as if he'll go out with me and leave the kids in the house like any other family would do at that age Sad

OP posts:
Buttercup27 · 14/09/2014 17:17

It's great that he wants to spend time with them but I find it a bit odd that at 17 and 1 they want to be stuck in on a Saturday night with their Dad !

fessmess · 14/09/2014 17:19

Basically he doesn't want to go out and miss time with his kids. I think it's sweet they still want to come and stay at that age, they obviously enjoy you and your partner's company.

marne2 · 14/09/2014 17:19

We stopped regular weekend access when the eldest child was around 15 ( they are now 15, 18 and 21 ), we now just see them when they want to see us and they can pop over whenever they like, I don't miss the regular weekend access Grin. I think at that age they would probably be willing to be flex able, I'm sure there are some weekends where they would rather be out with friends rather than visiting their dad? They are also old enough to be left at home whilst you go out but I can see why your dh may want to make the most of spending time with them when they are staying over.

ClashCityRocker · 14/09/2014 17:19

I think you are being unreasonable, sorry.

If he only sees his kids one night a week, of course he isn't going to want to leave them on their own during access time. It's different, I guess, if you live with your kids full time.

ClashCityRocker · 14/09/2014 17:21

Just to add, I would suggest flexible access - and a discussion with them about how they'd want it to work, maybe they would prefer a week night thus freeing up their weekend?

BlackWings · 14/09/2014 17:21

YANBU. I fully expect to have my weekends back when mine's that age. It is unusual for 'kids' that age to want to spend weekends with their parents. I had a f/t job and my own flat at 17! Do they not have any friends?
Can you arrange to go out with friends on a Saturday night or your own kids and leave them to it?

OfficerVanHalen · 14/09/2014 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Infinity8 · 14/09/2014 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OneThingAfterTother · 14/09/2014 17:26

The frustrating thing about it is that he doesn't actually bother with them while they're here, they just go on the laptops in their room and we barely see them.

His ex wife has tried to tell DP that actually, the kids might be getting to an age where they don't want to come every weekend as they have other stuff going on and he kicked up a massive fuss, upset the younger one and now younger one believes if he misses a weekend it will set his parents off arguing again. Eldest tries to get out of it now and again too but on the whole it's EVERY Saturday.

Like I said I was fully aware that getting with someone else would mean access weekends but I never imagined we'd still be sat entertaining "kids" at 17 and 19 years old. I'm not sure I'm up for that, not long term. I want to be able to have a bit of fun on the odd weekend - not spend all week at work thinking "oh well, almost weekend, not that we can do anything ... "

OP posts:
Fenton · 14/09/2014 17:27

Yes I agree, while it's great that they want to spend time with their Dad and he with them, I would have thought/hoped they would be more relaxed about visits by this age and wanting to see their friends at weekends, - and this is every weekend? If it was every other I would find it ok, but every weekend at home with parents, don't they feel like they're missing out on a social life?

I can understand not wanting to leave them home alone as ,y SSs would have either argued or made a god awful mess in the kitchen or both. - but it being okay for your younger children doesn't make sense. Did he move in with you and your children? - might make sense if he thinks your children can be trusted to behave in their own home - but his would be unaware or flout house rules?

OfficerVanHalen · 14/09/2014 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClashCityRocker · 14/09/2014 17:31

I think your DH needs to have a chat with the boys and see what they want from access. After your second post, it sounds like they don't actually want to be there every weekend either...which is understandable at that age.

OfficerVanHalen · 14/09/2014 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fenton · 14/09/2014 17:35

OH - massively cross-posted.

your DP is being a bit daft, they are young adults - should be allowed to see him when they want to, not stick rigidly to access.

How are things between DP and Ex? - perhaps he thought she was instigating the beginnings of less contact (although I can see she was probably just trying to talk to him on behalf of her kids) - and he's digging his heels in because he doesn't want to let go, or have someone else decide this for him?

carabos · 14/09/2014 17:36

Agree with others who have said this is about what DP wants not what DSS want. No-one has "access" to people of their age fgs. God knows what their friends must think. He sounds a bit controlling tbh. If I were you I'd let the boys and their mother that you are on their side and collectively see if ?ou can get DP to see sense.

Original poster
OneThingAfterTother · 14/09/2014 17:36

They are on their laptops all night but I mean we're sat at home simply because they're there. Usually DSS1 goes on his laptop upstairs, DSS2 goes on the computer in the dining room and DP and I sit watching TV.

We could go out friday nights but I'm starting to feel guilty leaving my kids at home all the time. Mine go to their dads EO saturday. It would maybe make sense for the SKids to come every other saturday and every other friday so that DP and I get a saturday night alone every other weekend but he won't entertain the idea - in fact the mere suggestion of it will have him kicking off and getting all defensive.

OP posts:
SquirrelWearingATrilby · 14/09/2014 17:37

Surprised the 19 yo even comes over, tbh! And to a lesser degree the 17 yo will definitely have his own interests on a Saturday night. I haven't actually seen my DC (19 & 18) since Saturday evening when they went out.

Fenton · 14/09/2014 17:39

OneThing - can I just gently say - as an ancient wanderer of the SP board, the abbreviation 'SKids' does not go down well as it is read by some not as a shortened Step-Kids but just skids - a not very pleasant term.

As you were.

Don't mind me.

TinyDancingHoofer · 14/09/2014 17:40

Do they live locally to you? Can the eldest drive? I think it is different if they can pop down in the week for dinner than if this is their only opportunity to see their dad.

Fenton · 14/09/2014 17:42

I think he's having trouble getting his head around them growing up and wanting to do their own thing, and looking for someone to blame for something that's actually inevitable in most families.

Maybe if you feel strongly enough for him you should just drop it for now, and he'll come to the realisation himself - hopefully.

Itsfab · 14/09/2014 17:44

Not odd they want to see dad on a Saturday given it is the only time they do Hmm. Lovely they want too.

Problem is he doesn't care about your children as much as his own and he expects them to be left when he wouldn't leave his own. Irrelevant he only has them once a week and you see yours every day. He should be treating all the kids the same.

Kids are for your whole life though and if he won't go out on a Saturday then go out on a Thursday. No one is saying you can't ever go out again but of course he isn't going to go out with you on the only night his kids come over!

EverythingCounts · 14/09/2014 17:47

What I wouldn't do is leave yours home alone if you don't want to, given that he won't do the same. So I wouldn't go on this Saturday wedding night out you mentioned. In fact, on that subject, why wouldn't he go and take his kids with him? At 17 and 19 it's not like they can't go on an evening out. In fact that way you could all go.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 17:49

Yes I agree, the problem is with your dh letting go, his is babyfying them as if they were children. One day he will be in fir a shock, they will have their own lives. They are old enough to come when they wish and be more flexible.

seasavage · 14/09/2014 17:49

'You have your kids' he has his? He doesn't seem to be taking on board your view as a parent in this.
Now they ARE older can he arrange to do somethimg in the week with them (quality dad time) and leave weekends more for family time in the day at yours and then some (not every weekends) you swan off / let them swan off. They are teenagers. How do they react to HAVING to spend every evening (they are there) with their dad rather than friends/ teensge shenanigans?

wheresthelight · 14/09/2014 18:01

yanbu for feeling the way you do and as a fellow stepmum I long for the days all our kids are old enough that I cam have my weekend nights back to remind myself why I hated clubbing Grin

I think you perhaps need to risk rocking the boat in order to get your dp tp discuss his kids wants. if you only have your kids eow then it would make sense to mirror with your dp's kids of they want their loves back. I cam just about remember being their age and sitting around the house with my parents was the absolute last thing I wanted to do with my weekends!!

your youngest is definitely too young to be left alone and eldest is too young to be left I'm charge of the younger imo sorry. your dp is being a complete arse if he thinks it's ok but refuses to leave his almost ADULT children alone. this needs pointing out and fast!!!