Regarding DP and his kids on access weekends?

[OneThingAfterTother]

Looking for honest opinions.

DP's sons (17 and 19) visit every saturday night until Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I always knew that getting with someone with kids would mean access weekends but I suppose I assumed that by the ages of 17 and 19 this would no longer be in operation and that a more flexible approach would be in use. Even with regards to my own kids I assume that by this age they will be independent on weekends and every Saturday night won't be spent entertaining them. So one issue is that I'm starting to feel a bit put out that EVERY saturday night we're stuck in entertaining "kids" who actually are not kids but young adults. I thought by now DP and I could go out on Saturday nights and enjoy ourselves but no, he won't do anything with me on a Saturday night as it's access night.

Another issue here is that DP is absolutely fine with us going out and leaving my (younger) kids at home alone but won't do the same with his.

This coming weekend for example he his due to attend a wedding do on the saturday night and wants me to go with him. He originally said "it will be fine, I'll leave the kids home - they're old enough to look after themselves for a few hours." Now he's saying he'll have the kids Friday night instead so that he doesn't have to leave them alone Saturday night. But my kids will still be left alone!!

Similar scenario weekend after - he wants me to go with him on a night out on the Friday night which again means my kids will be left home alone.

I can't help thinking that it doesn't seem right, reorganising access weekend so avoid leaving a 17 and 19 year old lad at home alone yet not caring whatsover about leaving the other two (my two!) aged 13 and 15 alone.

When I tell him how I feel he says "yeah but you have your kids all week, I only get to see mine one night a week" - I can kind of see his point but at what age do you say "well, the kids are growing up now we can have our weekends back!" We seem to have got there already with mine despite the younger ages.

If I'm being unreasonable fair enough I'll hold my hands up but I just never expected to still be entertaining kids on a weekend at the ages of 17 and 19. I'm not sure I want to live my life like this if it's going to go on for much longer, it's not as if he'll go out with me and leave the kids in the house like any other family would do at that age

I'm surprised they still want to spend Saturday night in with their father but from DH's POV, if that were the one evening per week I got to see my DC, whether they were 10, 20 or 40, I wouldn't go out and leave them either.

Do you have a bowling alley nearby? - that's something which would suit all ages of children and adults. It might show your DP that the issue isn't with his lads being there, it's about not wanting to sit indoors while they sit in another room, and no-one's getting anything out of their visit.

I'm not saying you should do that every weekend but it might start the ball rolling (f'nar) towards actually doing something with your time.

Another thing that poses me off is that if it's something for HIM he will reorganise access night to a Friday night but if ever I want to do something on a Saturday night I'm told "no, Saturday is access night". Funny how this can be changed on certain occasions that suits him.

Start going out with your mates on Saturdays - DH is in, with the boys, so they can babysit. AFter a couple of weeks, I predict he will start getting arsey, and you can spell out why everything about your weekends is wrong.

Id also try and speak to the DSSs alone, and ask if they would t rather be out with their mates. Try and be the bridge between your DH and his kids. I cant believe the 19yo is sat in with daddy on a saturday night!

I can kind of see where he's coming from, but yanbu.

He sounds controlling and i wouldnt be surprised if he starts exerting more of that control towards his DC when they start going out with friends more or get a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Does his babyfying of the 19 year old stretch to paying his council tax for him I bet not. I bet your DH is willing to treat him like an adult in this respect!

I can't imagine spending every Saturday night with my parents when I was 14, let alone 19

Massa my DM was stopping me from going out when i was 18 I was old enough to pay poll tax (as it was then) though.

I smell another controlling parent of young adults here.

^ yes.

Don't get caught up in wishing for a time they are more independent (and your DP is more realistic) and blink and miss your own children becoming adults.

It's about them too.

I think he is being very unreasonable to expect a 17 and 19 year old to come every Saturday evening. You would surely hope that they had something more exciting to do! The flexible access suggested by the boys' mother sounds a far more sensible idea to me, especially if he is in effect ignoring them whilst they are at your house.

I don't think he is being unreasonable with regards to your two being left home alone, because you can see them for the rest of the week.