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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to not join ex's family in restaurant?

29 replies

Boomerwang · 14/09/2014 13:12

I live with my ex for the sake of our daughter. We've actually come to an agreement that we are no longer a couple. His parents celebrate the day they met every year (not wedding anniversary, just when they met) and this year they invited everyone (daughter +bf, son + gf and two kids, son + me and one kid) to a local restaurant.

I don't get along well with the father - he doesn't think much of my parenting and gives my daughter all the wrong things to eat.
I love the mother but she doesn't speak a word of English so a conversation rarely happens when there are other Swedish speakers around.
I dislike the son, gf + 2kids family for many small reasons.

So, before I would take part in these family gatherings when my ex and I were a couple, but now that we are not, I declined to go.

When my ex returned with our daughter, he told me that his father was upset that I hadn't gone. I didn't really know what to say to that.

I don't see them as my family, and never have. Perhaps it has contributed to the breakdown in our relationship (my attitude, I mean).

Was IBU? Should I continue to go to these things even though I will sit and say nothing to anybody? Knowing they are all judging me for breaking up with my ex? That I'm only there because of our daughter?

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 14/09/2014 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DwellsUndertheSink · 14/09/2014 13:21

I also think its fine. Id question the level of "Upset" of the father...Maybe he had a go at his son, - a comment like:

"Oh, she didn't want to come? Did you tell her we specifically invited her - we dont want to lose touch,she's the mother of our GC... let her know she is very welcome in future" . Then your DH has reinterpreted it to paint you as the bad guy?

I doubt father was crying into his soup.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/09/2014 13:47

I did question what kind of 'upset' it was. My ex said his father didn't say anything, but had a look of some kind of irritation on his face. Somehow, my ex knows that this is a bad thing. I don't know if it's because my ex knows his father's expressions so well, or if he has just come to his own conclusions.

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 14/09/2014 14:00

I wouldn't have gone either in your position. Do his parents definitely know you aren't a couple anymore?

gentlehoney · 14/09/2014 14:34

You are not obliged to go, but it will be nice for your child if you do it sometimes.

LineRunner · 14/09/2014 14:38

When your daughter's a bit older, she could perhaps do what mine does, which is to say 'mum says hello, hopes you are all well', and they say this back. We exchange small tokens at Christmas.

LadyLuck10 · 14/09/2014 14:39

This is a tricky one because you are still living together. If you were living apart then would you still have gone? just treat it these situations as what you would have done if living apart.

Do the family know you have separated.

Mostlyjustaluker · 14/09/2014 14:40

I would echo Ella. Do they think you are still together?

BackforGood · 14/09/2014 14:46

You aren't obliged to go, but I think everyone will be confused by the fact you are still living together.
Most people, when they split up, live apart, and it's more clear cut. It would seem odd to have 3 members of a family, all living together to be invited out, and one not come, yes, so I can understand the parents confusion. Either you are a couple or you aren't.

Madamecastafiore · 14/09/2014 14:50

When you say you are living together for the sake of your daughter does she not know you are no longer a couple?

furcoatbigknickers · 14/09/2014 14:52

If I split from dh i would revel in never seeing pil

wafflyversatile · 14/09/2014 15:01

Are you all official on the being split up but just being in the same house?

I think actually it's quite an important way to mark that you are split up, if you are going to be in the same house.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2014 15:06

I think you were right not to go. But it seems like his family haven't really acknowledged that you've split up. Maybe they are hoping you will get back together. I don't think living together after splitting up can work.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 14/09/2014 15:08

If your DD was upset, that matters.

Anyone else, meh.

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 15:09

Sorry but I don't get the whole separating but still living together for the sake of the children thing. My aunt and uncle did this and it has lead to a very unpleasant atmosphere in their house. If anything it will be confusing for your DD, it's already confusing the extended family. Do you think you can keep this up for the next 15 or so years of her life? If not then when you do move into separate houses it will be harder for her to adjust because she will be older.

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 15:13

Forgot to say, you are not BU to not go for a meal with your ex's family but I think they might be confused about the separation due to your living situation and that is why they still expected you to attend together.

bloodyteenagers · 14/09/2014 15:19

You realise that living together for the sake of the child never works?
The child will be confused as will everyone around.
Then what about moving on, and either finding a new partner... Every time this one rears it's head, one always naively proclaims oh no, this won't be an issue.
Then there's the household stuff - washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning...Again in these types of relationships, the man doesn't want to move because he knows he will have to do all this. But for some reason, the female continues to do everything for him... Again, confusing, and in reality just means, well we are no longer together. We don't have a relationship, we have separate beds (not everyone either) I am just more like his mum.

Anyway. Why should you go to his family events. You are no longer a family. But I suspect that his family don't know because you are still living together.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/09/2014 15:52

I can't move out because I have nowhere to go. If I moved out, my ex wouldn't be able to pay for this home so they would also have to move out and again wouldn't be able to afford a place. Besides, who would my daughter live with? Neither of us want to give her up. If I left, I'd have to go back to the UK and I don't have a hope in hell of keeping my daughter with me there, the authorities would keep her here with her father.

One day he might kick me out and I'll have to face all of that, but right now I'm making do with this. I suppose his parents don't really believe it, as it's not typical to stay in the same house (and the same bed, incidentally) after breaking up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/09/2014 15:52

My daughter is 2.5 and has never known us to be affectionate with one another, so she doesn't know any different.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 14/09/2014 16:16

It's not just about being affectionate around each other. It's the atmosphere. This they pick up on.
Sharing the same bed is confusing as hell. Never mind neither of you have any space from each other.
Are you really prepared to live like this until either he kicks you out. Or until she is an adult?
What happens if either of you find someone else? What happens if he wants to being her back to your bed?
All these things need addressing.

Madamecastafiore · 14/09/2014 16:29

Boomerwang, but that's what you are teaching your daughter is normal in a relationship. V v sad.

Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 16:35

If he's always been like that to you then he was probably only upset you weren't there because he would have liked to have been able to take pot shots at you.

and yes, please think carefully about how good it actually is for your daughter's adult life to grow up thinking that your relationship is what love looks like.

When she's old enough, are you going to explain it to her? So that she doesn't think that what she sees is an example of a relationship for her to follow?

fwiw, I think you are absolutely right to not go to his family events. I don't expect they would be very nice for you and it is also not nice for your daughter to see her mum getting treated like crap.

I am sorry that you feel stuck in this crap situation, it must be horrible.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 16:50

Before you all give the op grief ask yourself how many of you would be willing to leave your child in a different country never knowing if you will be able to see them again.

I know I wouldn't,and I would do exactly what the op is doing and leave that bit until it had to happen (obviously after checking that legally my position was as previously thought)

Original poster
Boomerwang · 14/09/2014 17:23

I'm doing my best to keep the atmosphere to a level where at least there is no arguing. Unfortunately this often means not talking to ex at all. I give my daughter the big smiles and talk with her as usual, play with her and share the housework and childcare duties with my ex. There's not much else I can really do. It makes me sad that she doesn't see her parents cuddling or kissing, but there's no chance we can even try to fake that for her.

He wouldn't take pot shots at me, and his family don't treat me like crap. There is, however, a huge elephant in the room when they see we don't talk to one another unless we absolutely have to and then it's emotionless, flat speech. That makes things uncomfortable for everybody. I also suspect, since I don't ever talk to them about life at home, that they think this situation is all down to me. It makes sense they would take his side, since they are his family. I don't want to sit amongst them in a restaurant with such an atmosphere, particularly as ex's parents were paying for the meal.

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 17:34

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that when you said he (your ex's father) didn't think much of your parenting that he was in the habit of making comments to you. Apologies.

Even if he doesn't make comments, it was still the best thing not to go, because if you thought it would be horrible then it probably would be.

Kids aren't daft, she's going to grow up knowing mum and dad don't talk. Have you thought about how you're going to explain it all to her, when the time comes or is that just too much and too painful to think about right now on top of getting through each day? It's a horrible situation to feel stuck in, I feel for you.