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Original poster

Should I tell dh what I heard

35 replies

buaitisi · 14/09/2014 12:39

Dh's mother & stepfather are here this weekend.

There's been some issues in the past between mil and I, I think she's overstepped the boundaries a bit e.g rearranging the cupboards without asking, giving ds sweets behind my back when I've asked her not to, buying a rug for our bedroom and putting it there & getting rid of our old one without asking us.

Anyway, dh knows she's a bit overbearing but says she's only tring to help and it comes from a good place. He has told her gently a few times that we didn't need her help.

She's very bitchy about people. Has something negative to say about everyone in her family. Has often come and bad mouthed her other son to us.

I always got the feeling she didn't like me, I'm not overly worried about it except to get annoyed when she clearly goes against what I want for ds.

She often tells dh how much she admires me and what a great job I'm doing with ds. Dh then thinks I'm being unkind when I don't want to spend that much time with them.

Tonight, before we were going to head out to dinner, I was in our bedroom next to the guest room. Mil and stfil didn't realise I was there. She said 'can we bring two cars to dinner? I don't particularly want to sit next to buaitisi in the car'
Stfil then said 'well I don't want to either' then they both started laughing and whispering, I think mimicking my accent, I'm from a different country to them.
She was then saying to him 'you suggest it then, I don't want him to know'

I was out of sorts for the evening, didn't really make conversation with them. Dh is annoyed with me thinking I was rude but I'm a bit hurt.

I knew they didn't like me, that's fine, but to hear that sniggering about me is hurtful, especially when dh thinks I'm the one who's unkind to them.

Should I tell dh or leave well enough alone? I don't have any other family here as I moved to their & dh's country but we only see them about once every 2 months.

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 14/09/2014 12:44

That sounds absolutely awful. I am so sorry - they sound vile.

Yes I would tell DH, and explain that I would be severely limiting, if not stopping all contact with his horrible parents.

Thanks
VSeth · 14/09/2014 12:44

Tell your DH what you heard, let him decide a course of action. I would be upset too.

Can you get inlaws to babysit whilst DH treats you to lunch?

MammaTJ · 14/09/2014 12:50

Of course tell him! I can't think of a reason not to and a few reasons you should.

He is thinking you are the one being rude, when in fact you are hurt and upset. He doesn't understand your dislike of her, this may explain it.

TELL HIM!

Spadequeen · 14/09/2014 12:51

Tell him what you heard, I would also not have them back in my home

Bakeoffcakes · 14/09/2014 12:52

Ye you should tell him. Sorry you had to hear that. Your ILs sound immature and nasty.

AlpacaMyBags · 14/09/2014 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gruntfuttock · 14/09/2014 12:53

I would have made my presence known to them when they were whispering and sniggering and got it all out in the open.

LapsedTwentysomething · 14/09/2014 12:53

I would be tempted to bring it up with them, in the presence of your DH.

UterusUterusGhali · 14/09/2014 12:59

I'd tell him, for sure.

diddl · 14/09/2014 12:59

Yes, tell him.

Also ask him how chucking your stuff away & replacing it with with what they want, & organising cupboards (if you don't want it doing) is helpful or coming from a good place?

How is it anything other than interfering?

Ask him what would happen if he did the same in her house, & if he wouldn't, why not if it's so helpful/coming from a good place?

CarryOnDancing · 14/09/2014 13:02

Definitely tell him, I don't know why you would consider not!

What a cow-and in your own home. What is the point in any relationship if they are bitchy and nasty behind your back?!
I wouldn't be able to put on a facade and spend anymore time with them.

Did you go in separate cars? Did they suggest it?

Original poster
buaitisi · 14/09/2014 13:05

They went downstairs and spoke to dh about car, they would've then realised that i was still in the bedroom and had heard them.

When i then came downstairs they said 'oh buaitisi we were just telling dh we should take 2 cars so you'd be more comfortable' (I'm 20 weeks preg)

I said 'yeah I heard you, you can really hear everything in this house'

They're panicking now and being overly nice.

The thing is, it's kind of a relief, I was thinking, maybe I am being unkind I should let them into our lives a bit more but now I know i was right in my gut feeling all along.

I have to remind dh to call them on birthdays etc, he doesn't really bother with them except when they're here. None of that anymore.

I think it would really hurt dh to know, I think in his heart he knows they're not good from the way they talk about his brother.

I was thinking maybe just distance myself from them, let dh visit if he wants (he prob won't make the effort without me) and if it becomes an issue tell him then.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
buaitisi · 14/09/2014 13:07

I don't want to get involved in a thing where they say I'm twisting their words and all that crap.

I know now I was right to be wary of them and I can start distancing ds and I from their influence.

OP posts:
TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 14/09/2014 13:08

No you should definitely tell him

Doingakatereddy · 14/09/2014 13:09

Of course you should tell DH, lying to protect them will do you no good at all.

They're your kids grandparents, so you'll have to be the bigger person & be polite etc. but let then do the running to you a little. They'll be aware now, of how unbelievably rude & cruel they were.

Polite, quiet distance. Good luck with pg, get those feet up!

Gruntfuttock · 14/09/2014 13:09

I'm so glad that they know you heard them, OP. It's an absolutely horrible situation though and I do sympathise (also empathise). Your DH should know just how awful they are.

Fairenuff · 14/09/2014 13:12

I think you should tell him what you heard.

Also, I agree, stop reminding him about birthdays, etc. and let him visit them alone.

Btw this

she's overstepped the boundaries a bit e.g rearranging the cupboards without asking, giving ds sweets behind my back when I've asked her not to, buying a rug for our bedroom and putting it there & getting rid of our old one without asking us

isn't overstepping boundaries 'a bit' it is downright stomping on them. If it were me, I would have removed her rug, just to make a point that she is not to do that. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If it feels like someone is ignoring your boundaries, they are.

SauvignonBlanche · 14/09/2014 13:12

You should tell him.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 14/09/2014 13:17

You really need to tell your DH, you shouldn't be keeping something like this from him.

Summergarden · 14/09/2014 13:18

No wonder you feel hurt. You did right to let them know, discreetly, that you knew exactly what they said and to be distant as a result of it.

I think you should tell dh what you heard, be matter of fact about it, and say that explains why you were quiet last night. Say you don't want to make a fuss but don't want to be as involved with them as before now you know how they really feel about you.

More fool them, as due to their spitefullness they will probably end up seeing less of their son and dgc, but they deserve it.

NotDavidTennant · 14/09/2014 13:22

If the roles were reversed and DH had a problem with your family how would you want him to deal with it? Would you really want him to keep it quiet from you?

Original poster
buaitisi · 14/09/2014 13:23

Thanks for the replies!

Oh I removed the rug promptly, told her 'thanks but we'll buy our own stuff, we have quite different taste to you'.
I also sent her back a box of toiletries, hairbrush, toothbrush etc she left in our bathroom cabinet without asking thinking she'd be staying with us a lot more with a note saying 'hi, you forgot to take these with you'
I told her not to rearrange the cupboards and to be fair she has backed off a good bit which is why I was softening and thinking she was beginning to get it.

It's night time here, dh has been really nice now, he's a bit sick of them and looking forward to them going back.

I think I'll tell him tmro when they're gone, I don't want him to confront them really, I don't want the hassle of their defense or worse, fake apology and then I'll be expected to get over it.

I just want dh to realise there's good reason I don't want to spend time with them and to accept that the relationship I now have with them is civility for dc sake l.

OP posts:
picnicbasketcase · 14/09/2014 13:28

Tell him. And well done for making it clear to them that you know what they're like.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 13:31

Oh OP, yes definitely tell him tomorrow. He probably suspects given their sudden niceness but he needs to understand. I'm sorry, some people are just shitty.

Viviennemary · 14/09/2014 13:38

Yes you should tell him. Why should you put up with this rudeness. And say he will have to entertain his parents on his own in future as you will be out. He probably knows they are total pains but they are his parents after all.