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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend how upset I am?

50 replies

McFox · 14/09/2014 00:38

Yes, it's a wedding one...

So, one of my oldest and closest friends is getting married. Me and my DH and her and her fiancÃ© are close, see quite a bit of each other, go on holiday together etc. We're part of a larger group of 5 couples.

Before my friend got engaged we'd discussed what would happen if she ever got married (on a few occasions!) and she knew that I didn't fancy being a bridesmaid. I hate being in the limelight, I'm more of an organiser (if we were in Friends I'd be Monica, although less tidy and marginally less bossy!) and don't fancy being trussed up in a bridesmaid dress. She agreed that I'd be much more help as her wedding planner and when they got engaged - when we were on holiday together - she talked about me being her planner.

Several months later and the date is booked. She's asked all of our other female friends to be bridesmaids. All of the guys - including my husband - are involved as ushers etc. And I've been asked to do precisely nothing.

We went for lunch a few days ago and I asked what she needs me to do and when, but she told me that she has everything in hand. I'm upset that we are so close and I've been left out of their day when we've talked about it for so long.

I may be feeling a bit over sensitive - we've just had a baby and I'm generally feeling a bit left out at the moment (they are all out tonight and didn't ask if either one or both of us wanted to go) - so I don't know whether to tell her that I'm really upset or not. And if I do, what could I possibly say?! I still don't want to be a bridesmaid and that ship has sailed anyway, but I do feel rejected.

Sorry, that was long!

OP posts:

mrsfollowill · 14/09/2014 00:46

So, you told her you didn't want to be a bridesmaid. She has followed your instructions. Where has she gone wrong?

Chippednailvarnish · 14/09/2014 00:47

It's her day not yours, get over yourself.

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/09/2014 00:50

I am sorry you are hurt but you cant have it both ways. You were quite specific about not being a bridesmaid. I suppose she cant see how you can be planning her wedding with her, when you dont want to be part of the bridal party and take part in the full thing. I reckon she thinks it is a case of you not willing to wear a dress of her chosing and do the regular brides maids things with her, so why should you get to plan it when you dont agree with such a large aspect of her wedding - the planning and preparation take much more time than the day itself!

Iamcuriousyellow · 14/09/2014 00:50

I should think it's because you've just had a baby - she's sparing you the work of organising her wedding when you've already got your hands full.

nocoolnamesleft · 14/09/2014 00:50

Do you think she thought you'd be too busy/knackered from having a new baby, and was trying (though perhaps failing) to be considerate?

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 00:51

She hasn't!

I think that I'm just feeling upset because she wanted me to help her organise everything instead of being a bridesmaid, and now she's just gotten on with it all and I feel upset that I'm now involved in any way. Out of our whole close group I'm the only one not in the wedding party which is fair, that was our agreement, but now that I'm not helping plan it either, I feel really left out and upset.

OP posts:

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/09/2014 00:53

Did you honestly not envisage that being outside the bridal party would cause problems with her and all her other friends willing to wear the dress, be part of the preparations and also want to muck in with the planning?

HauntedNoddyCar · 14/09/2014 00:54

Ok so she's taken on board your preference for being backstage (my choice too) but hasn't given you a role?
Either she's being considerate of a new mother or she assumed you didn't want to be involved.
I think you need to 'volunteer' yourself and either mail or call and say that you really appreciate her having listened to you about being a bridesmaid but you can't not help your 'lovely friend' so what can you help with? Flowers? Table plans?
She's listened to you so keep talking and don't take offence.

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/09/2014 00:55

If she is such a close friend I can imagine her feeling very upset and rejected that you did not want to be part of the bridal party, that you could not grin and bear taking the limelight at her side for just one day.

Chairthing · 14/09/2014 00:55

YANBU, mostly. But she probably thing she's trying to be helpful. And also, she wants to plan her own day. It would have been useful if she'd told you this at the time, rather than waiting until you've been sidelined.

Why don't you tell her that you feel sad you won't be part of the day at all, and that it was simply that you don't like being centre of attention? She might not have a clue that you feel left out, and would be mortified if she knew.

Anotherchapter · 14/09/2014 00:56

She probably thought you offering to plan was a gesture.

Suck it up buttercup.

lowlie · 14/09/2014 00:56

Give yourself a break! You have just had a baby of course you feel left out. I'm sure she is not excluding you on purpose but it must be hard for you. Is it your first baby? How old is baby? Just try to be rational, what you are feeling is natural and as difficult as it is for you it is also hard for her. Maybe she is just cutting you some slack as you have a lot on your plate. Don't be hard on her and don't be hard on yourself x

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 00:58

Not really because I'm an event organiser, it's what I've done for years. She knows that's what I'm good at and that I would be uncomfortable standing up in front of loads of people.

It's not about not wanting to wear the dress and do bridesmaid-y things, and not agreeing with a large part of the wedding (I really don't understand what you mean by this QS). The others will be happy to get glammed up and stand for photos whereas I'm much more use to someone if I have a spreadsheet and problems to solve so that the bride doesn't have to!

OP posts:

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/09/2014 00:58

You didn't want to be a bridesmaid so she didn't ask you...fair do

You talked about being a wedding planner....and she did it all herself....did you ever think maybe when it comes down to it, she wants to plan her own wedding?!

Get over yourself

gobbynorthernbird · 14/09/2014 00:59

Unless your friend is a bit stupid, or planning the event of the century, she won't need you now. It's quite possible your help would be useful nearer the actual date when everything needs doing at once.

midgetjems · 14/09/2014 00:59

I'm liking NoddyCar's line. Offer to help with something pretty specific that will otherwise take up valuable tittivating time on the morning of the wedding that bride and bridesmaids could really do without. She's probably not really taken on board yet just how much time venue preparation etc takes up.

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/09/2014 01:01

So, you are an event organizer, possibly with many great ideas, that you would skilfully put into practice. Maybe she just wanted to plan and organize her wedding the way she wants to, she only gets to do one (hopefully), you get to this daily!

midgetjems · 14/09/2014 01:01

xposted with loads!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/09/2014 01:03

I agree with the others - she will have thought you were trying to excuse yourself. Also, if she wanted another wedding planner, she'd have hired one. It's not a friend kind of job, IMO. She might hate your taste, or you might hate hers, after all.

Can you organize something else? I know it's American and much done down on MN, but a shower can be really lovely if it's a gathering with less booze than the hen party, and more oriented around getting the bridal party chatting. The bride/groom's mum might be glad of a non-boozy event, too.

I think you should also ask one of the bridesmaids about this, because it is very possible your mate has told you she has everything in hand because she can't exactly say 'no, I'd love a party like such-and-such, get onto it!' can she?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/09/2014 01:05

And I agree completely with gobby.

One of the best things is someone who says they won't do anything glam, but will be there on the day/days leading up to the wedding to help with any minor/major crisis. I have seen how much people are grateful for that!

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 01:07

I think that's a good plan Noddy, I'll offer to do something specific.

She may well be trying not to put too much on my plate. She's been a bit down recently but said that she hasn't come round to talk about it because we're busy with the baby (he's just 3 months old).

I have to just clarify that I didn't offer my services out of nowhere, she knows me well enough and said that she knew that I wouldn't fancy being a bridesmaid and asked me to help her plan it instead. Of course I know that it's her day, I wasn't foisting myself on her ffs!

OP posts:

Jenny70 · 14/09/2014 01:11

She might feel put out you didn't want to be a bridesmaid, the limelight is on her, not you - basically you don't want to stand by her publically on her big day. But if it would make you uncomfortable, she has accommodated this for you.

As for the planning, yes perhaps she could have asked you to organise it, but maybe she enjoys doing this - maybe she has her own tastes and ideas about things. I can't imagine organising my wedding with someone else, I am quite happy to look at options and decide (with my partner) about things. Having another opinion isn't my style, if they don't like what I pick, or start suggesting a heap of things it would annoy me.

I can see you feel left out, but you put yourself here - so I think you need to suck it up and smile. THis is going to be a big focus for her, and your focus may well shift with new baby. THis is a classic times for friendships to drift, one with new baby, one enjoying the honeymoon period, I do think you're going to need to swallow the wedding aspect and try to keep the friendship connection a different way.

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 01:18

Thanks LDR and Gobby, you're probably right, I could be more help if I do something specific nearer the time. Of course the intention was never that I offer ideas, but that she was going to tell me what she wanted and I would do it, so it might just be that because I'm busy with the baby, she doesn't feel comfortable doing that anymore.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/09/2014 01:24

Good luck with it!

It is really tricky - even if you know you won't offer ideas, for her, this might be quite nervy, so involving you would never be like involving a neutral person. FWIW, I bet it's nothing to do with your baby.o

Can you invite her over for coffee soon? It might be if the two of you just had a good chat, she'd see you haven't changed for having a baby, and perhaps you'd see what is going on with her wedding?

It just seems hard you are feeling miserable when it sounds most likely he hasn't intended that.

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 01:31

Thanks LTD. I'm seeing her in a few days so I can talk to her about it then. We have still been seeing quite a bit of each other but it's obviously different now when we can't just hit the wine together after work like we used to.

OP posts:

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