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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend how upset I am?

50 replies

McFox · 14/09/2014 00:38

Yes, it's a wedding one...

So, one of my oldest and closest friends is getting married. Me and my DH and her and her fiancÃ© are close, see quite a bit of each other, go on holiday together etc. We're part of a larger group of 5 couples.

Before my friend got engaged we'd discussed what would happen if she ever got married (on a few occasions!) and she knew that I didn't fancy being a bridesmaid. I hate being in the limelight, I'm more of an organiser (if we were in Friends I'd be Monica, although less tidy and marginally less bossy!) and don't fancy being trussed up in a bridesmaid dress. She agreed that I'd be much more help as her wedding planner and when they got engaged - when we were on holiday together - she talked about me being her planner.

Several months later and the date is booked. She's asked all of our other female friends to be bridesmaids. All of the guys - including my husband - are involved as ushers etc. And I've been asked to do precisely nothing.

We went for lunch a few days ago and I asked what she needs me to do and when, but she told me that she has everything in hand. I'm upset that we are so close and I've been left out of their day when we've talked about it for so long.

I may be feeling a bit over sensitive - we've just had a baby and I'm generally feeling a bit left out at the moment (they are all out tonight and didn't ask if either one or both of us wanted to go) - so I don't know whether to tell her that I'm really upset or not. And if I do, what could I possibly say?! I still don't want to be a bridesmaid and that ship has sailed anyway, but I do feel rejected.

Sorry, that was long!

OP posts:

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 01:31

LRD not LTD!

OP posts:

Loopylala7 · 14/09/2014 02:21

I think the bride may just be thinking you have a lot on your plate with a new baby, doubt she realises and probably thinks she's doing you a favour. I wouldn't worry

mynewpassion · 14/09/2014 03:07

I don't think you should tell your friend that you are upset. She might legitimately have the wedding planning in hand and doesn't need your help at the moment. Just continue to offer your services to help either before the wedding or nearer the wedding such as grabbing things or bounce ideas off.

Be a supportive friend instead of a problem. She listened to you wishes about being a bridesmaid. She knows that she can turn to you for help if she needs it. Again, be a friend and don't add unnecessary stress.

Chelvis · 14/09/2014 07:33

Maybe she hasn't asked you because she's having so much fun planning it herself? My friend was a wedding planner at a large venue and she was constantly being told by brides that they would love to do her job because they'd loved planning their weddings, and she even got some CVs from people citing their own wedding as experience! Maybe she doesn't want to hand it over?

I agree with those saying offer to help on the day/day before with setting up; that was when the planning went from great fun to hellish stress for me!

saoirse31 · 14/09/2014 08:52

Get over yourself.... its her wedding and your posts are all about you... Some people would hate the idea of a wedding planner... and esp one whose a friend and therefore maybe hard to put your foot down with... And let's face it you're not seeming to be v good at accepting what other people want.

diddl · 14/09/2014 08:54

Maybe she also hasn't come across anything that she needs/wants help with.

Don't tell her that you are upset, that really isn't fair.

Just tell her to let you know if she wants any help/anything doing.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 14/09/2014 08:59

Some people don't like being organised by others. Here wedding, she wants control. it's a personal thing - she wants to organise her own wedding and have all those little touches.

Bridesmaids - only stand there and look pretty anyway. You don't have to speak or do anything.

You've chosen to remove yourself from the wedding party by being voluble about not wanting to be a bridesmaid - no one has the 'wedding planner' in the official photos.

As others have said, you are the author of your own misfortune in this.

Tinkerball · 14/09/2014 09:04

I think I would be a bit upset if one of my oldest friends didn't want go be my bridesmaid. You said you didn't want to be "trussed up" in a dress which is a strange way to describe it and then said it wasn't about the dress.

Bunbaker · 14/09/2014 09:11

As others have already said, she probably doesn't need any outside help just now. Or she could be thinking that you have other priorities with your baby and knows you can't just drop things for her when she needs you.

When I got married all the planning was done by me and my mum.

I agree that you shouldn't say anything to your friend. If you try and guilt trip her into including you in something it might change your friendship and not for the better. I think you need to step back and allow her to get on with planning her day, and either offer to help with something specific or just tell her the offer of help is still there when she needs it.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 09:12

In the nicest possible way, Yabvu you asked not to be bridesmaid, so you aren't. Mabey she had a plan of what to do, and wanted to do it by herself. I did that, I preferred to plan on my own, with dh approval of course. Other people woukd have made it more complicated. Mabey suggest you can do a reading or something, I just remembered you don't like being in the limelight so that wouldent work. Please don't say anything to your friend.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 14/09/2014 09:26

I think people are being quite unkind!

You didn't 'refuse' to be a bridesmaid, you discussed it (hypothetically) and said it wasn't your bag, and you and she agreed that you could have a different role - a planning role. Fair enough. Unless she was offended by your desire not to be a bridesmaid, so far, you're both happy, right?

However, I think there is a good point here - most people like to plan their own weddings these days. My DM got most upset that she didn't get to plan my wedding, as she'd expected to do so - her mother planned hers, so she thought she'd do mine. We talked it over and for once she saw reason, when I pointed out that she hated having her wedding planned for her!

Maybe there's a difference between wedding planning and organising/logistics? Could you talk to her, and explain that you wouldn't be picking bridesmaids dresses/colour schemes, but would love to help with nitty gritty like a spreadsheet of RSVPs/lists of suppliers etc? I'm assuming you're a pro at that kind of stuff, plus you can easily do it with a baby, whereas stuff that's 'in person' might be harder.

Good luck, and I totally get where you're coming from.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 11:04

I can't imagine why a bride would want anyone to plan their wedding for them???

I absolutely loved the excitement of planning mine and having things just as I wanted. There's absolutely no way I would have delegated any part of it or any decisions to someone else.

She made you the promise to help you organise it when a wedding was just a hypothetical dream / but now that it's here I imagine she may feel very differently. Don't take it personally, just let her get on with it.

Remember it's her special day and she just wants everything perfect and to her tastes.

Original poster

McFox · 14/09/2014 11:51

Thanks Humpty, I think the point is that I didn't say that I flat out didn't want to do it, she knows that being a bridesmaid would be the least useful thing I could possibly do, that I have other strengths, and said that she therefore wouldn't ask me. All fine.

I'll ask her about specific things I can do to help nearer the time, I think that's best.

OP posts:

NanooCov · 14/09/2014 12:22

Having a self confessed Monica offer to plan my wedding is honestly my worst nightmare. Sorry.

Plus, bridesmaids don't really have a purpose and need a specific skill set you know? They're just friends being there for another friend.

Don't tell her you're upset. You've nothing to be upset about.

AndHarry · 14/09/2014 12:27

People saying 'get over yourself', how rude are you?!

OP, I wouldn't tell her you're upset but do talk to her about it.

BIWI · 14/09/2014 12:30

I, too, think people are being a bit mean to you here, because you're obviously upset about this.

However, I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable. You know your friend understands your feelings about being a bridesmaid, and you've only just had a baby! I think she's probably thinking that she's doing you a favour by not insisting you come 'trussed up' in a bridesmaid dress, and that you probably won't have much time with a new baby on your hands. I'm willing to put money on it that you haven't been as involved in your group of friends recently because you're at home with a newborn! Being totally realistic, would you really have had time over the last three months to organise someone else's wedding?

And, is it not likely that she wants to organise her own wedding?

I'd try and take a step back from your sense of rejection, and just enjoy being a guest. Don't spoil things for your friend - it's a stressful time trying to organise a wedding, no matter how cooperative your friends are.

hormonalandneedingcheese · 14/09/2014 12:34

I get why you ae upset, you feel excluded but it's likely that your friend is trying not to put anything on you because of the new baby.

HaroldLloyd · 14/09/2014 12:36

I would just say something like don't forget I am happy to help with things and I have time to do so or something, she might feel that she dosent want to put you under any pressure at the moment.

Or she could just be getting along quite well herself and not need your help, it wouldn't occur to me someone would be put out by that so probably not to her.

poolomoomon · 14/09/2014 12:38

Couldn't your friend have at least said "I don't actually need you to help out with planning after all, I've already got it in hand and have mostly decided on what I want so is there any chance you'd like to be bridesmaid instead?"

Bridesmaids don't really get that much attention. You just have to stand in a dress beside the couple who everyone is really focused on and there for. It would have been nice for her to at least offer, seeing as you both agreed you would get the planner role and she's decided she doesn't want you to do that... Even if you declined! Then at very least you couldn't claim to be excluded in any way because you'd be excluded by your own accord.

theeternalstudent · 14/09/2014 12:52

I employed a doula when having DD as I wasn't with her father and my mother wasn't able to be there for the birth. A good friend of mine kept offering her services at the birth. She had very strong views about hospital births and she was really motivated to help. As much as I love her and she is a great friend I just did not want her at my birth. Her strong views on what would be a great birth and mine just did not match. I did not want DD's birth to be dominated by my friends view of what was best for us.

Do you think that your friend might be thinking the same about her wedding? Your view of what her wedding should be like might not be what she wants and she doesn't have the time, energy or inclination to get into discussions with you about it. It's the kind of thing that you discuss in the abstract in the pub but when it comes down to it your friend just wants to do it herself.

Congratulations on having your baby

gobbynorthernbird · 14/09/2014 13:09

The thing is, Mcfox, there probably isn't anything for you to do. In the early stages when the venue is being chosen, dress picked, etc, it would be adding a middleman for no reason. If your friend and her fiance visit a venue and like it, they will book it, it makes no sense that they would involve you to book it on their behalf. Likewise, communicating with the florist, caterers, and anyone else.
There are obviously people who make their weddings into a big production, but most people choose a nice place, find a frock they look ace in, send out invites. And that's pretty much it.

bronya · 14/09/2014 13:24

I would agree with others, that she would have seen that you have a tiny baby and not wanted to make your life any busier/harder for you. That is the mark of a good friend, you know - she cares about you.

MrsMarcJacobs · 14/09/2014 13:35

Someone wouldn't be my bridesmaid. It was quite hurtful knowing they couldn't put their feelings aside for one day. Think you owe her an apology.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 14/09/2014 13:57

Having someone as a planner is being far more involved than a bridesmaid or usher. It's very difficult to know the tone of things without being there. When she 'agreed' to you being a planner, was that because you suggested it? Was it a definite thing or an off the cuff remark? She may have felt like she should offer you something but the reality of planning a wedding is different.

Don't say anything more to her, just make sure you're available to help her. 'Get over yourself' is a bit blunt but is good advice.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/09/2014 14:01

My best friend was very vague when I asked her to be my bridesmaid, she appeared reluctant and dismissive, telling me she hoped I didn't feel like I had to ask her.

It turned out that it was because she had just found out she was pregnant and would be about 7 months on the date of the wedding so was trying to put me off because she didn't want me to pay out on a dress and then 3 months down the line announce she was pregnant and cause problems for me.

When she was being dismissive about me asking I obviously didn't know about the pregnancy and I was genuinely very upset and hurt that my best friend wasn't excited and didn't want to have fulfil that role as my best friend.

I think she knew how upset I was as 3 weeks later she confided in me about the pregnancy and I was so, so relieved because it all made sense and my disappointment and hit just lifted.

Ultimately she was my bridesmaid and although she was very pregnant she looked amazing!!

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