The NCT Clique

[Oneandonlyone]

I have no idea what I've done to these women, but as of tonight I think I'm officially done with them. I was the last to give birth and at first it all seemed fine. But then no one came to DS's christening. Or her first birthday party. The second birthdays all seemed small quiet affairs (us too) but now that we are on year three, in the thick of it, the only one we've been invited to was the one where we sent an early "save the date" and I think she felt guilty. Clearly no one else did - joint birthday party held today for two of them to which we were not invited. I went back to work earlier than almost all of them, but did my best to keep up but no, from the get go.

Why are they being like this? Why do I even care? I have plenty of other friends. I suspect it was because we were told in our first class how it would all be asking each other for advice until they were at uni and beyond but nope - just dropped by the clique and they've just closed ranks.

At the end of the day they are a small group of people you were thrown together with, there are no guarantees that you will all get on . I totally understand how you feel, my group were a bit like that but I found other friends elsewhere that I had more in common with. I was a bit sad about it but only because I had expected much more. Just leave the to it and concentrate on your other friends .

I would forget about them, distance yourself and make new like minded friends.

I had what I considered to be a very nice group, but I am only in touch with one of them now, and our children are 13. It really faded when we started going back to work when they were 1-2 years and then we only got together in the holidays for a year or so. I don't think I went to more than a few first birthday parties because the children went to different nurseries and to be honest, NCT is more for parent socialising and support than the children IMO. I'm just pointing out that I think your expectations might have been a bit high? OTOH, if they're all going out in the evenings without you, fair enough.

When your DCs are born you all have something very much in common but over time often it turns out that you don't have much else in common. It's natural and isn't necessarily anything you have done. For me, NCT group was held between two major towns and most of group lived in the other one from me. They met up a lot. Occasionally I was invited but once past first birthdays didn't see them again.

I met up with my NHS group for longer - we were all local so met up in town centre first at cafe then play groups etc. Some soon stopped meeting up. Those who didn't go back to work met up a lot and got very friendly in and out of each other's houses. I worked but still saw them at play group etc and they were friendly but we never got close. Doesn't mean I did anything wrong (or that they did).

So I would say its nothing you have done. But your lives have moved on and some of them have just clicked more than you have. Be happy with the friends you do have or if you aren't join something else to make some more.

I doubt you've done anything OP, I expect they've just moved on- they may have friends and not really feel that with you? You don't have to have done anything, just sometimes you lose touch over time especially when you aren't friends to start- just people with someone thin common.

Are they all still in contact having phased you out? Or do they have their own friends elsewhere and have drifted apart from each other as well?

It sounds like you didn't have a very good foundation in the first place. Just keep in touch with the one lady and leave the rest now.

You can't be friends with everyone. All you are likely to have in common is having babies at the same time and being broadly the same social class.

disclaimer I never did nct

BUT

fuck them.

you don't need them.

stick to your real friends

I did NCT.
First year was brilliant.
Then it went a bit shit and I got sick of feeling crap so I told them all to stuff it!

I agree it's nothing you've done. My group was much the same. We're still Facebook friends but after 4 years are not really in touch other than that (admittedly 3 of the 5 of us now live abroad). I like to think of that maternity leave period/early NCT group period as if it was a job I had a few years ago and they were colleagues I was friendly with. Even though we went out for the equivalent of an after work drink (ie coffee and baby groups, or visiting each other's homes) together a few time a week while we 'worked' together (as new first time mums), we naturally drifted apart a few years after leaving the 'job' (and by 'job' I mean maternity leave! All but 1 of us went back to some sort of paid work.). I found I made new mum friends with whom I had more in common through nursery and local playgroups, and have just let the NCT bunch drift away. I was a bit sad about it at first but I think its a natural evolution for many groups.

Yep, the majority of NCT groups fizzle out. All that stuff about making friends for life is one big swizz to make you think the NCT classes are worth the money spent.

You've made a lot of effort. Maybe it's now time to sit back, enjoy the company of other friends.

When it comes down to it, the only thing you have in common with your NCT group is that you all had sex and got pregnant round about the same time.

Some people make friends for life, many don't.

Oh that's re-assuring to read. I genuinely don't know why it bugs me so much - as I said, there's plenty of other outlets and friends, especially now that there's nursery. I was older than most of them by 6-10 years and due to unforeseen circs went back to work at three months when the rest of them were all off for a year and they hung out together all the time anyway. Plus, the others all live closer to each other physically so they've really been hanging out since day one. This year hurts less than the first birthday, christening etc since of course we showed up for everything we were invited to attend. To not have one of them reciprocate was tough then, and now it's just kind of "fuck em".

The one friend I have from the group I was friends with before anyway, and we still hang out. She never had much to do with them anyway.

My friend is pregnant with her first baby and has joined an NCT class. She has now decided to have a home-birth even though she lives somewhere so remote the road to her house is sometimes impassable and she has to travel by rowing boat to the nearest village. It's her choice but I can't help but think they have an agenda and are a bit brainwashy.

OP it's probably just because you're working, no knowing the timetables etc. it happened with people in our group but it wasn't personal, just assumed x couldn't come because she was working.

Focus on people with less time on their hands who do things at weekends. It will all start again when they start school.

I was similar to you OP but then figured that I had made mummy friends at the local children's centre so socialised with them instead.
I've now relocated and gave had number 2 and am making more new friends without the NCT at all (in fact I must cancel my membership!)

I also agree that the classes are too preachy about 'natural birth'.

Just forget them all and enjoy your real friends!

Sounds like you are better off not bothering with the ones who don't care and just focus on your friend who you hang out with instead.

I realised at my first NCT class that I had nothing in common with these women, and absolutely no interest whatsoever in their offspring. You had a lucky escape, OP. Now get on with you life.

I had never heard of NCT when I had my first child, all the things that I have read on Mumsnet about it I feel that I had a lucky escape. To an outsider it seems like there is a lot of clique and fakeness to it.

I decided NCT stood for New Age Cliquey Torture after enduring six sessions of completely useless lecturing. Despite being, I think, an easy going, friendly couple we were inexplicably ignored by the other couples and this worsened during the reunion when it transpired we had rebelled against the NCT lecturing having had a hospital birth with all the drugs they could offer, never touching a wrap around sling and feeding my baby with (shock horror) a bottle!!!

I know it feels like being back at school and being excluded and that's really uncomfortable but honestly just put it down to experience and consider it a lucky escape. Don't waste time beating yourself up about it - true friendship always starts with someone noticing how wonderful you are not with you with you trying to be noticed. At the end of the day the only thing you had in common was having had sex at the same time of year.

Don't put pressure on yourself to fit in. Get on with your life and be yourself always and genuine worthwhile friendships will come along, I promise.

Our group has been going strong for 10 years, but there is one woman whi has fallen by the wayside which we do feel a bit guilty about, but it really wasn't anything personal, just that her work commitments made it impossible to keep up with the meet-ups (we meet weekly in school hours). We do see her occasionally which is lovely, it's just the way things have worked out.

I did NCT classes so that I would have other mums to spend time with during the week when I was on mat leave and everyone else was at work.
The classes themselves weren't very helpful but the other couples were nice and it was lovely to have new mums to go to groups with/chat about new baby stuff.
But now we've all gone back to work I don't meet up with any of them any more. We are still friendly and would chat if I saw any of them out, but definitely would not expect or extend party invitations etc.
I can see why you'd be hurt if some of them are now really close, but I wouldn't take it personally.

My NCT group were awful. All complete snobs going on about how much there husbands earn and how many hours they had their cleaners/housekeepers for. So boring. I had nothing in common with any of them (my husband earns around a quarter of what theirs did and I don't have a cleaner!) I stopped seeing them after about 6 weeks as they were getting me down. I was really sad as I had dreams of long lasting friendships for dd and myself but I wasn't meant to be.

Mine were all dreadful righteous soppy cahs
They were aghast that I had to return to work as all others were taking a full yr off
I didn't get how complicated they made simple things
So much angst

The NHS ante-natal class I went to with dc1 was a dead loss. I didn't keep in touch with anyone - hadn't really got to know them. The promised meet-up after we had given birth (supposed to be organised by the class leader) never materialised.

So expecting dc2, I joined an NCT 'refresher' class for 2nd+ time mums. I did already belong to the NCT, but had never felt quite at home.

We were very lucky with the class, I think. There were 4 of us, who all hit it off from the start. I have lovely, happy memories of many coffee mornings/children's parties/evenings out. Our older dc all got on very well, and the new babies grew up together. We weren't archetypal NCT mums, I suppose, in fact two of the group had never been members of the NCT, but just attended the ante-natal group.

Reader, I can report that 18yrs down the line, the dc are still in touch, and although we all work, the mums meet up regularly. In fact I count all 3 of them as being among my dearest friends!

Just because you concieved a baby in the same year as these people doesn't mean you're going to be best friends with them