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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider getting married

35 replies

Mummabubbles · 13/09/2014 15:41

When I don't actually want to get married?

DP and I have been in a relationship for about 6 years. He has been married once before and has a child from this marriage. I have 2 children from a previous relationship but have never been married. We have 1 child together and another on the way.

We are in a loving, solid, happy relationship that I hope is forever.
I have never liked the idea of getting married. I think its a lot of fuss and expense for a piece of paper and believe our children are a bigger commitment and statement of our relationship anyway.
DP has strong views and ideas and believes that we should be and very much wants us to be married.
I don't think being married would change anything. He thinks it would be nice for me to have the same surname as our children (although I would then have a different surname to my older children). He also thinks it would be a good idea for the more formal, legal side of things if anything were to happen to him.
He knows how I feel and that if we do get married I will be doing so for practical reasons.

(I feel I should add we are very much in love and my feelings for him have nothing to do with my uncertainty)

OP posts:

TortoiseshellSpecs · 13/09/2014 15:46

There is nothing wrong with getting married for practical reasons, or indeed romantic reasons, but I think YABU to get married when you state that you don't actually want to.

Also, being married doesn't automatically mean you would change your name, it is optional, so your partner is BU to assume you would do that.

AuntieStella · 13/09/2014 15:52

Have you actually looked at the legal differences?

This isn't 'just a piece of paper' and the different legal staus can make a big difference. You need to go through all the practicalities, work out what you want/need. For example, IHT and bereavement benefits are simply unavailable if unmarried. Beneficiaries of wills and pensions can be altered very easily. These aspects may not be important to you, but if they are then a purely legal marriage (no need to hold a 'wedding' at all, or even tell people) might be worth consideration.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 15:55

If you are committed forever then why not? Marriage is about commitment, you are clearly committed to this man so it will just cement that, in public, and hopefully you can set a good example to others about what a good relationship looks like. Don't change your name if you don't want to.

And you can have a big party, and another one every year after that, with nice presents from him. In theory...

MrsPiggie · 13/09/2014 15:59

Are you actually against marriage or just not see the point in it? Legally it is better to be married, should anything happen, and there's really not much fuss or expense involved. So if your DP wants to get married and you are not dead against the idea, why not? Of course, many people are against marriage, especially if they went through a nasty divorce or witnessed someone close going through one, but otherwise it will not make any difference to you and will keep him happy, so why not?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/09/2014 16:03

From a legal perspective marriage isn't just a piece of paper. If you really don't want to get married at least go to a solicitor and get the legal side sorted so that if anything happens to your DH or you split up you're not left struggling or with nothing.

If your DH wants to get married why not just go to the registry office and just do it? You don't have to have a ceremony or anything. Or even guests, apart from two witnesses.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/09/2014 16:04

Oh and you don't have to change your name.

Sapat · 13/09/2014 16:09

I got married to my partner of 18 years this year, when pregnant with our 3rd child. He never wanted to get married, I was not too bothered either way and baulked at the expense. I work full time in a senior position, I have my salary, I can look after myself, I don't need to be married to cement my standing in society. In the end, we got married for purely practical reasons, so that we were next of kin to each other, so that the kids could be his heirs, so that we did not have to write wills, so that we are entitled to each other's pensions and to each other's share of the house should something happen...

We organised a winter wedding in 3 months flat, which was simple, cheap, and a lovely day. You can have the wedding you want. To my mind big lavish weddings are daft, we agreed on budget, cut the crap and stuck to the basics. Has it changed anything? Nope, we still have the house & mortgage, the kids, the cars... It has changed nothing to our day to day existence, we had made a commitment to each other long before that piece of paper. But. Saying the vows in front of our friends and family, in front of our children was special. It added depth to our relationship, gave it a bit of a firmer footing. The only thing I am asking myself is why on earth did we not do this before?

Original poster

Mummabubbles · 13/09/2014 16:09

I'm not against marriage I have just never imagined myself being married..Never really thought it would be for me.
DP would like a big wedding as would my parents (I am the only girl of 6 children) where everyone we know and probably some we don't know would be invited. I can already imagine that it would be quite stressy. Also, sorry if I sound immature, I hate being centre of attention and would find it all a bit embarrassing
My older children and his older child (ours is still a baby) also really want us to get married.

OP posts:

mausmaus · 13/09/2014 16:16

yes have a look at the legal implications.
you can just get married, no need for a big party if you don't want to. just 2 witnesses and both of you needed.
tbh dh and I didn't feel different, we still have the same relationship, but the bit of peace of mind this 'piece of paper' gives us was def worth it.

Sassyb0703 · 13/09/2014 16:55

if you don't know the difference then you rest need to look it up !!! marriage makes a HUGE difference. All in YOUR favour. it's the man who goes out of his way to avoid it. Doesn't need to be a big deal just you and two. witnesses and pop down to the registry office. Go for it, you'd be a fool not to.

Andrewofgg · 13/09/2014 17:57

If you have enough to pay inheritance tax remember that gifts to each other are tax-free if you are married; not if you aren't. A survivor of even the best and strongest LTR may be forced to sell up the home if the other suddenly dies. If you are married the liability is deferred until you are both dead.

Sassyb0703 who says it's the man who goes out of his way to avoid it did you read the original post? OP's DP wants to be married; it is she who is ambivalent. What you say is often true but not here.

Totally agree with those who say that the wedding does not need to be a big deal. Registrar's fees, two friends as witnesses, and perhaps all four go for a meal afterwards.

aprilanne · 13/09/2014 18:08

personally i think people try harder to make a relationship work if they are married .because if not you can just walk away with no implications .my wedding was small and not expensive .but then i hated when we just lived .together .we did until first son born i hated the thought he was technically illegitamite .only my personal view .

LadyLuck10 · 13/09/2014 18:17

As you believe that it's just a piece of paper and all a fuss and expense then it's probably not for you.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2014 18:21

You don't need a lot of fuss and expense to get married. Just local registry office with two witnesses. You don't need to be married to change your surname. I am in favour of marriage. And even if I wasn't that keen I think it's still better to be married because of the legal protections as the law stands at present.

Floop · 13/09/2014 18:32

No practical advice - but if you do marry, I'd double barrel my name so that I had the same name as both of my children's names.

I couldn't bear the idea that my older children were thinking the marriage would distance us.

GarlicSeptimus · 13/09/2014 18:42

You do need to look up the actual legal benefits of marriage. Given that your partner's keen on it, it seems unlikely he'd agree to sort out the many pieces of paper needed to replicate the material parts of the marriage contract, so you probably ought to go along with it (sorry!)

As everyone else wants this bloody wedding () let them sort it all out and you just turn up on the day.

GarlicSeptimus · 13/09/2014 18:44

You don't have to change your name, obvs! What do your elder two feel about surnames?

MomOfABeast · 13/09/2014 18:45

If marriage is "just a piece of paper" to you (I.e. you have no strong feelings for or against it) but its important to your husband then why not? I had no strong desire to be married but did because it has many practical advantages and offers you various legal advantages, particularly because I live abroad.

If you actually have an objection to being married or ont want to change your name then it's more tricky and something you'll need to compromise on with your husband (e.g. Double barreled names).

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 13/09/2014 18:45

So your DP wants to get married and wants a big wedding. You don't see the point and don't like being centre of attention so presumably wouldn't want a big wedding. Marriage does give legal rights that living together doesn't so how about a compromise. You agree to get married if he agrees to a small wedding. That's assuming you don't have moral objections to getting married.

Btw you don't have to change your name just because you're married. You would be your (then) DH's wife not his possession.

MomOfABeast · 13/09/2014 18:48

Also a wedding only has to be as much of a fuss as you choose to make it. We had a weekend away in Edinburgh with parents and siblings and two friends. Lovely registry office ceremony in historic building then out to a restaurant. It was cheap and informal and although initially I wasn't bothered about the wedding at all I now look back really fondly on it.

DieselSpillages · 13/09/2014 18:53

I never wanted to get married but eventually did marry DH after 20 years together and 3 dc. We did it purely for practical reasons as we realised that if one of us died the other would be left in a much safer place finacially. Apart from that I felt we were already essentialy married and the bit of paper has made no difference.

Andrewofgg · 13/09/2014 19:19

Slightly o/t: a female colleague of mine once told me (after some office party hooch had loosened her tongue) that when she got married she had taken her husband's name because it was the usual thing; now wished she hadn't; but couldn't be bothered with the hassle of changing her name on NI, passport, professional qualifications and so on. Anyone here feel the same?

Purplepoodle · 13/09/2014 19:25

Well if you don't want a big wedding then compromise. Say you will get married but it will be a registry office affair, kept very small. Book it for a month give everyone you want there two weeks notice.

sweetkitty · 13/09/2014 19:31

Were getting married on our 20 year anniversary next year, neither of us want a big do, we have 4 DC, were taking them on holiday the next day and having another holiday later in the year, it will be their first time on a plane and abroad, we would rather go that than spend money on a wedding but that's our choice.

LouiseBourgeois · 13/09/2014 19:50

You sound exactly like me, OP. I never liked the idea of marriage, despite a very longterm happy cohabitation with a wonderful man who would have liked to marry. We ended up marrying with two witnesses, in street clothes, a week before I was due to give birth to our son purely for practical reasons (because something appalling I won't go into because it's too identifying happened to friends, where the fact that they weren't married almost made a near-tragedy worse). No fuss, no rings, no party, not a single photo, and it was months before we even got round to telling people because of dealing with a newborn. Neither of us is too sure of our anniversary, and I frequently genuinely forget I am married. It hasn't altered our relationship at all, and I certainly didn't dream of changing my name, which I find baffling and anachronistic. Our son has both names.

You don't owe anyone a huge party/white frock/big day out - we both have huge families, and my ILs are fiends for parties, which made the decision to do it alone and casually the obvious solution. I didn't have time, money, or inclination to wedding plan on any scale, and I remain fully convinced we made the right decision. You don't actually have to have guests. If your husband is keener on marriage than you are, do what I did - say you'll have a witnesses-only registry office affair.

It's only a piece of paper, but an important one.

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