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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused when people say "Are you mad?"

31 replies

soapybubbles123 · 13/09/2014 13:44

DH and I have been together since we were sixteen, fast forward ten years and we are married with a baby.

When the question "How did you meet" arises I say that I found DH on the school bus

The thing that hacks me off is when some people, on hearing that DH was my first boyfriend (and first everything else) ask questions such as "Why on earth would you do that?" and "Don't you wonder what its like to sleep with someone else?"

I'm not fussed about their opinions but how exactly am I supposed to respond to that?

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 13/09/2014 13:49

Say something sarcastic. 'Well, he offered to get me a session with a male prostitute for my last birthday but I decided it was a bit pricey.'

Original poster

soapybubbles123 · 13/09/2014 13:50

To clarify I say No (I am not mad/want to sleep with other people) but the invariable response is "Really?"

Actually yes, I long to have sex with other people but as DH wont agree to become a swinger I suppose I'll just have to lump it.

OP posts:

Pico2 · 13/09/2014 13:51

DH and I have been together since we were young (not quite as young as you). I don't think my DH would be very appreciative of me having slept around before meeting him. I don't judge people for having had multiple partners, but I think I would probably say "my DH likes that I hadn't slept around before meeting him". Or something a bit stronger.

WeirdCatLady · 13/09/2014 13:56

My standard response to the question "are you mad?" would always come from the comedy genius that is Dr sheldon cooper on The Big Bang theory "No....my mother had me tested"

ILovePud · 13/09/2014 14:03

That's very rude. You could think of something disparaging to say about their own life choices but personally I just say that I was lucky to have met the right person when I was young and that I've never wanted anyone else -I feel very lucky in that. In some cases the person asking may have had a very complex relationship history which have brought them a great deal of sadness and perhaps it's partly motivated by jealousy. Other people may value the different relationships they have had over the years and just can't imagine having met their life partner so young, even so it's one thing thinking that they would have made a different choice to you and another thing saying you're mad.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 13/09/2014 14:15

pico* - really? How did you get here today, I missed the memo about the 1950's shuttle bus.

vdbfamily · 13/09/2014 14:39

I have just been looking at some research out of interest and The Social Pathologist published a report into the stability of marriage once someone has had more than one sexual partner and one of the shocking results was this :- 'Note, the really disturbing one still holds. A soon as a woman has had more than one partner her long term marital stability risk drops to near 50%.'

I met my husband when I was 33. We were both virgins and have been happily married for 12 years.Why would you want to experiment with sexual partners? Once you have met someone you want to spend your life with you can share that adventure together. Congratulations though for meeting so young and still being together , as meeting young is still a big risk factor for marriage.Wishing you many happy years ahead.

NinjaLeprechaun · 13/09/2014 14:44

The correct response to the question "are you mad?" is always a very cheery, enthusiastic, "Yes!"

It confuses people, and then they leave you alone.

GimmeMySquash · 13/09/2014 14:45

I have started to just look at someone and say nothing when they make comments like that, they get the message.

peachgirl · 13/09/2014 14:50

vdb and on inspection, that website got their info from the Daily Fail... there's nothing wrong with having one sexual partner (as the OP was saying) or many!

NynaevesSister · 13/09/2014 14:52

I can't imagine being so rude as to comment on any one's sex life. These people have serious boundary issues!

MooMaid · 13/09/2014 14:57

Just say something shocking back like "Oh no, I don't wonder what it's like as I cheated on him and slept with other people" or "oh no, we're quite liberal really, we used to go swinging". See the look on their faces then

Bulbasaur · 13/09/2014 14:57

I could tell as a virgin whether my first lover was good or bad in bed. Really, it doesn't matter. If you're happy and have a good sex life, you're set. New partners basically boil down to you telling them how you like it anyway. The difference between a good partner and a bad one is the willingness to listen. If they aren't willing to listen and do what you like, they're crap partners whether you've had others or not.

sleepywombat · 13/09/2014 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 13/09/2014 14:58

Tell them to bog off.DH and I met in 1967.I was 15 he was 19.We were both virgins.Still here after all these years and still very much in love.It obviously doesn't work for everyone but bring on our 40th Wedding Anniversary next year.

eltsihT · 13/09/2014 15:09

Yanbu, I wish I had met my dh first instead of the plonkers I did meet, fall in love with and had my heart broken.

They are all just jealous.

Notso · 13/09/2014 15:31

People are so rude. I was 17 when I started going out with DH who was 20.
I often get the "don't you wonder what it's like to sleep with someone else" comments, I answer honestly and tell them to ask DH because he was a virgin not me which usually stops the nosy buggers in their tracks.

honestpointofview · 13/09/2014 15:32

Good Afternoon All

Weirdcatlady - see Series 6 Episode 02 – The Decoupling Fluctuation -
Sheldon: Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re good people, Leonard. There’s something I need to tell you.

Leonard: Okay.

Sheldon: I can’t tell you.

Leonard: Why?

Sheldon: I can’t tell you why I can’t tell you. So I guess there’s two things I can’t tell you.

Leonard: I wish there were more.

Sheldon: Good night. I’m sorry. This is really important.

Leonard: What is it?

Sheldon: I like The Transformers. Do you like The Transformers?

Leonard: Where exactly did your mother have you tested?

myusernameis · 13/09/2014 15:43

I like the Sheldon response mentioned by a pp so I'd go with that one.

If they really delve into the sex stuff I'd ask them how many sexual partners they've had and if they'd be interested in swinging.

Pico2 · 13/09/2014 15:49

Latte - that's a pathetic response. Why shouldn't my DH and I value that in each other? I'm not saying that everyone should feel like that, but why shouldn't people be able to see sex as something special, to be shared with only one or a few partners in life?

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 13/09/2014 15:54

Pico

^ isn't what you said in your original post, so don't be disingenuous.

You said...

I don't think my DH would be very appreciative of me having slept around before meeting him

squoosh · 13/09/2014 16:00

How rude. Tell them to feck off.

Personally I would hate to have been with the same person since I was 16 but I'm not you and you're not me so I certainly wouldn't see it as any of my business to comment.

Pico2 · 13/09/2014 16:03

And I stand by that. Why would he like me to have slept around? It's the same in both directions, but if people are asking me about me needing to experiment with different partners then that is the direction it makes sense to talk about.

Seeing sex as something intimate and to be shared with few people isn't a 1950s value. It is a value shared by some people, but by no means all today. To identify it as outdated just adds to the current pressures on teenagers to engage in sexual behaviour when they aren't ready or in risky situations.

squoosh · 13/09/2014 16:04

Why would you want to experiment with sexual partners?

Because many people enjoy sex with more than one person over the course of their lifetime. Is that really so hard to understand? Goodness me.

vdbfamily · 13/09/2014 16:10

Peachgirl the research was actually published in the 'Journal of Marriage and Family' vol 62 Issue 2 p444-455 May 2003 and based on results of a national survey involving 6500 women. I am presuming without having done further research that it is American and also slightly dated. It is obviously an individuals choice as to how many sexual partners they have but personally I believe that the more you have the less likely you are to have a long term stable relationship and that the best foundation for a stable relationship is not to have sex with someone until they have made a lifetime commitment to be with you.My opinion I realise but I do have quite a few friends who feel that certain relationships/heartbreaks have messed them up emotionally and made it harder for them to trust men and they wish they hadn't rushed in!

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