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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed over lie in

57 replies

morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:06

My Dh sometimes says he will look after DD in the mornings so I can have a lie in, but doesn't put in the effort to make it work. DD gets bored within minutes and asks for me. He doesn't really play with her, often on his laptop, and waits too late before taking her out (and then forgets coat, drink, etc).

He's not a stupid man but it's like he can't be bothered to put the effort in to make things work. He would need to properly turn his attention 100% to her to make it good, but I think he thinks she will just tick along like other things in the house. He won't tempt her to do things or make it sound good, so she just asks for me instead. I do explain to him and he sees me do it, but it's like he just can't be bothered in the morning. But I think it's unrealistic for a two year old to play on their own for a couple of hours while you're on laptop/radio/doing chores. Needless to say I get her dressed, do hair, teeth, breakfast etc. on these days.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 09:31

I'm sure he is a good man and you love him. I'm also sure that if you didn't feed and dress your dd he would. Atm he doesn't have to because you do.
Please go out and let him get on with it next time. Its the best way for him to get his own routine with dd.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 13/09/2014 09:32

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Viviennemary · 13/09/2014 09:33

I think you are entitled to peace and quiet on the morning of your lie ins. YANBU. He's got to find a way so you get peace and quiet and he doesn't feel nagged or horror of horrors his parenting skills called into question. Grin

BigfootFiles · 13/09/2014 09:33

"If she's up at 7, he needs to pull on his clothes, breakfast, play and out by 8ish if I'm to have any sort of lie in, and he needs to be full of energy while doing it."

How it works in our house - we have a clock which tells DC when to get up. So, if they're awake before the clock is, they play quietly in their room. They wake up around 7-7.30 and can entertain themselves til 8 easily - books, toys etc. Worked for our 2yo. "Non-lie-in parent" gets up and chucks on a dressing gown at 8, gets child downstairs, dressed and fed, then it's 9am.

rainbowinmyroom · 13/09/2014 09:34

Buy a pair of earplugs, put a fan on full pelt and leave him to it. Why does he need to go out?

Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:34

It sounds like you have a very civilised, enlightened household Bigfoot. Will try to copy.

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Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:36

I don't think DD realises her dad is looking after her. She thinks he's the one off doing his own thing and that I am still the one to call for etc. She'll still be calling 'mummy mummy' while he merrily ignores and listens to the radio.

But I agree I should back off a bit. I probably am being a bit PFB about it all and annoying alpha-mum ish.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 13/09/2014 09:39

Yabu to expect anyone to be out the house before 9. That rarely happens in our house. Especially as a weekend.

YANBU about him though, it's lazy for him to rely on you because he can't entertain his own child. Why can't he just read done books or do some colouring.

PlushSuppie · 13/09/2014 09:39

Not sure why he has to go out either for you to get a lie in?
He just needs to engage with your 2 year old.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 13/09/2014 09:40

I would be really annoyed by the laptop antics, everything else he can go his own way, he can have the radio on, but if he's playing on the laptop he's not playing etc with her so of course she will come to you

When you have her you don't get the laptop out and start working etc do you, no because children of that age need attention and you can do that justice while emailing etc

Plus if he works all week and hardly sees her it's not a lot to ask for some educated daddy time is it, it's a poor show that he can't see that

Fairylea · 13/09/2014 09:41

Hmmm I think it's a bit much expecting him to be up and out of the house by 9! I have a 2 year old and a 11 year old and we are all still in our pj's and both children have more or less done their own thing / played with toys / pc etc since we all woke up - we don't plan to go out till about 11.

I guess it depends what kind of family you have! I don't think it does children any harm to be left (in the same room as you) to play on their own while we mumsnet or whatever sometimes!

Having said that he is being unreasonable not to allow you a proper lie in. If your little one is asking for you he needs to try and distract them.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 13/09/2014 09:41

Which in turn is probably why you think they are better off going out, if they're not in they can't disturb you can they!

Minisoksmakehardwork · 13/09/2014 09:42

Yabu I'm afraid. You two just have different ideas about how things should be done. Dh and I are the same. I don't necessarily get dressed, but I'm up and breakfast the dc before they do anything else. I'll hunt clothes out for them and dress them, put tv on, get colouring out etc. dh's idea of giving me a lie in is to get up, put tv on and feed them biscuits.

It works for both of us. I don't necessarily think them stuffing on biscuits all morning is a good thing. But it's their treat with daddy. He thinks I'm mad for wanting them dressed. But it means we are out of the house earlier if we are going out.

Dh will often be playing on his iPad and put a film on for the dc. They may or may not use him as a climbing frame or even just cuddle up to him. The point is I still get my lie in. I've given up fretting that dh isn't doing things as they should be done. As that's just how I do them.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 13/09/2014 09:44

Yanbu about dd calling for you though. That is the only thing which needs drumming into him - you are not to be called until X time. It's not rocket science to pour a drink, change a nappy or give something to eat. I'm evil though and if I'm busy when called I tell the dc to go and find daddy.

Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:44

Minisoks I would be downstairs protesting about the biscuits and making them Weetabix etc!

I need to learn how to detach I guess.

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Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:46

I should emphasise that our house is TINY. So there isn't really an 'other end of the house'.

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Honeezreturn · 13/09/2014 09:49

When my DC's were tiny DH (who hated lie ins) used to take them out at 7 on a sun morn to the skate park as it would be empty and the would take their little rollerblades.
ah those were the days Grin
Mind you,most of the time he took them in their PJ's and gave them no breakfast but they loved it and still remember it now 20 years on.

Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 09:52

Yup, step away and let him cope. He will. ( Mine did with a 5 yo and a 2 yo for 5 days while I was in hospital)

didiimaginethis · 13/09/2014 09:53

YANBU to want a peaceful lie in without interruptions, however you need to let your DH do it his way a bit more.

When my DH does the morning so that I can have a lie in I let him do it his way - they play, watch a bit of telly, have breakfast but very rarely leave the house before 9am!!
Don't give your DD breakfast or wash/dress her - leave that to your husband, it's not the end of the world if they're still in pjs at 9.

Dragonfly71 · 13/09/2014 09:53

Just a thought, but who gets up with her mon-fri? If it's you, but he goes to work mon-fri he might be resentful that he is expected to take over Saturday. I now work full time and Saturday mornings I take a bit longer to get going! I'm not saying this is right but when I was in this position I always had the Sunday lie in and dh the Saturday because I think he found it hard to switch from work to weekend. I wouldn't tell him what to do but clearly explain the difference when he has a lie in compared to yours. Say you would like the kind of lie in he gets, ie undisturbed until 9 or later. And ask how he thinks he could achieve that? We always had one lie in each at weekend when children were little and they were told mummy/ daddy is asleep and will be up later. Didn't always work though!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 13/09/2014 09:54

YANBU in that he should be 'in control' of what is going on so that she doesn't disturb you. How he achieves that is up to him.

YABU in insisting he goes out.

YABNU - obviously, to tear bits off him if he isn't getting her breakfast.

YABU to think she has to be dressed by a certain time. As long as he puts a clean nappy on her, leave them to it.

YAB irritating with your 'he should be full of energy doing that'... if you are a full on childrens entertainer while you have your DD then it's no wonder she can't play by herself (in the same room as him) for a bit. They don't need to be amused/played with every waking moment. Also, with your I care about DD so I will make sure she is dressed and has had breakfast before I go out. Get a hold of yourself. It doesn't matter if she is dressed or not and if your DH is unable to think about her enough to get her breakfast if you aren't there then you have bigger fish to fry than a lie in.

You need to decide what it is you are trying to achieve here. It is not unreasonable to want to get a lie in, it is very unreasonable to dictate how that happens.

Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:55

He does a hobby on Sundays so forfeits his lie in but I still get up with her. We do a mixture on the weekdays, and often all three get up together. I should say that today's lie in is because I am pregnant again, and sick as a dog.

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WinifredTheLostDenver · 13/09/2014 09:55

The key is that you shouldn't be disturbed, however he achieved that.

If he likes coffee and chilling, I would take her out to breakfast with colouring and things if I were him, but whatever works!

Original poster
morerogermore · 13/09/2014 09:56

I take your point LatteLover.
Ok I will try to be different next time.

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Humansatnav · 13/09/2014 10:00

Flowers for you op. Pregnancy sickness is a bitch.