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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher invading pupil's personal space - how should pupil tell teacher to back off?

61 replies

Aargh1 · 11/09/2014 22:00

D is 12. One of her female teachers always comes too close when leaning over to help with some work. Invades her personal space. Not only to my D. What should I tell her to say that will not offend or blow it out of proportion? If a colleague did this to me I'd just tell them to back off (in a jokey way) but it's different with a pupil as the teacher is in a position of power. AIBU to be worrying?

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 11/09/2014 22:09

does your daughter like garlic?

mindthegap79 · 11/09/2014 22:33

I'm a teacher and am aware of the flatulent ones.

mindthegap79 · 11/09/2014 22:35

I think that at 12, it would be ok for your dd to speak politely to her teacher about it. Not in the middle of the lesson, obviously.

maddy68 · 11/09/2014 22:38

Some people are just like that. I would tell your child to suck it up tbh. She will meet people like that in ever walk of life.

MaidOfStars · 11/09/2014 22:48

What does 'invades her personal space' mean? I don't think I even know what 'personal space' is and I'm sure its limits might vary depending on who is doing the invading. Is the teacher touching her? Leaning onto her?

Charitybelle · 11/09/2014 22:48

Urgh, this is awful. Space invaders are a real bugbear of mine, and as a grown woman I find it difficult to know how to handle, your 12 yr old shouldn't be put in a position of having to address it with an adult! Always a possibility that if she says anything too directly the teacher will get embarrassed and take it out in your dd, it's a tricky one. Maybe she should just keep subtly moving away from the teacher whenever it happens? I've done this with colleagues and unless they have the skin of a rhino they usually get the message.
Those saying suck it up are wrong, your personal space and comfort are yours and shouldn't be sacrificed to avoid hurting someone's feelings. You should try never to be rude, but I feel physically sick at some peoples breath/bodily smells right next to me and people should be more aware of their personal impact on others.

NeverFinishWhatYouStarted · 11/09/2014 22:52

I can't imagine how a teacher would correct your DD's work without being in close physical proximity, TBH. However, if it is making DD unbearably uncomfortable, she should ask for a quiet word with the teacher after class and politely ask if the teacher didn't stand so close as it feels uncomfortable. Any reasonable teacher should not be offended by this.

I wonder is it just a teacher that DD just doesn't like and wants to complain about? Does she normally have issues with personal space?

noblegiraffe · 11/09/2014 23:14

I can't quite picture what is going on here. If you're helping a kid you have to get quite close. Is she actually touching her? Squashing her boobs up against her or something?

If she was so close as to be touching, advise your dd to shuffle out of the way?

Surfsup1 · 11/09/2014 23:35

An anonymous email might help?

Brightbutchilly · 11/09/2014 23:37

With respect an anonymous email is a terrible idea.

goldopals · 12/09/2014 00:02

How close is the teacher?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/09/2014 00:02

"Some people are just like that. I would tell your child to suck it up tbh. She will meet people like that in ever walk of life."
Bollocks - what kind of message is that to give a 12 year old? That she has no right to a little space, and that if someone "just happens to be like that" then its ok for them to get right up close and personal and make her uncomfortable.
Tell her that is is ok for her to move back, or, say, bend her arm, elbow outwards towards the teacher, or move her exercise book across the desk or whatever will fit their exact desk/chair/classroom configuration and basically make it so the teacher has to move back a bit, but without being obvious about it.
And reassure her that if she is really uncomfortable, then it is ok to say "could you move back a bit miss please" - that should be all it would ever take really.

Annarose2014 · 12/09/2014 00:06

I had a female teacher like that. She didn't know she was doing it, it wasn't an intimidation tactic. So I decided not to say anything - she wasn't the worst. I just used to dread her looming over me and breathing in my face. I would veer as far away in the seat as I could.

However if it had gone on longer I would have said "Sorry miss, I'm a bit crowded" and hoped that would do.

Surfsup1 · 12/09/2014 01:56

Why so terrible Brightbutchilly?
I would find it a very difficult issue to address face to face even as an adult (speaking from personal experience) and I'm pretty assertive in general.
If it's an issue that needs to be addressed then a gentle email, kindly worded gets the message across without an uncomfortable confrontation.
I've seen it work very well in a professional environment where the power balance was similarly skewed in favour of the person causing the discomfort.

Bulbasaur · 12/09/2014 02:08

Had a teacher like that in college. Drove me nuts. One day I growled ("Ugggh") in exasperation and leaned back as she leaned in. Last time she did it. Or talked to me. I felt bad, but couldn't apologize because I didn't want her to think it was ok. She was a nice lady, but she was annoying.

I hate space invaders.

Obviously my adult self would just make a light hearted joke. Or politely ask for room.

Proudmary67 · 12/09/2014 03:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadaBingBang · 12/09/2014 05:24

I am aware that my idea of personal space is much bigger than most other people's idea, however I agree with Maddy, it is better to just get used to it. I have gotten used to it, and have to tell myself that other people do have a different idea of personal space, and that's ok, its only for a brief space. You can move your chair away a little. If that is done subtly enough, people gte the message without beong offended, but it is difficult to say something without offending.

Surfsup1 · 12/09/2014 05:26

"It is unacceptable for a teacher to make a child feel uncomfortable like this."
An individual's sense of personal space is very culturally specific (generally relates to the population density of the community they grew up in) so it's quite likely that the teacher is totally unaware that she is causing anyone discomfort. One person's comfortable conversational distance is another person's in-you-face and another person's distant-and standoffish.

mindthegap79 · 12/09/2014 06:00

"Teachers are taught guidelines with regard to these matters."

Really ProudMary67 ? News to me and I am a teacher. As a pp said, personal space perception varies and is very culture specific.

Please don't go complaining to the head and making this into a far bigger deal tyan it needs to be. Similarly, please don't send an anonymous email. That poor woman.

Get your dd to communicate with her like the reasonable people I'm sure they both are, albeit with differing perceptions of personal space.

IF she reacts badly (which I doubt), then maybe consider having a word yourself, or speaking to the head.

Or if all else fails, call 101

FamiliesShareGerms · 12/09/2014 06:45

Can you explain a bit more clearly how the actual space invading is happening?

somewhereoverthewaterfall · 12/09/2014 06:57

My dd had a very similar thing at school. She solved it by talking to the student mentor type person ( sorry forgotten exact title!) and asking for advice on how to ask the teacher to give more space without sounding rude. Mentor said to leave it with her and within half an hour dd was pulled out of class to talk to head teacher/ deputy and reassured it was not her problem and they would deal with it! They offered to change classes around if she felt uncomfortable with this teacher.

I was ready to go and talk to school but dd was happy with this way of dealing it with, problem was solved and dd felt she had complete control of situation and learnt she could deal with deal with people making her feel uncomfortable.

Iggi999 · 12/09/2014 07:03

To speak to someone individually in an office, you just walk up next to them. In a class of 30, more likely you bend down and lean over, to create some sense of privacy and also to see and hear them! It is certainly possible the teacher gets too close, it's also possible your dd needs extra space (I am aware to stand further away from students I know to have ASD for example).
Unless you think the teacher is being inappropriate, please do be careful how you word your complaint. You can ruin lives with something like this.

Springheeled · 12/09/2014 07:10

Agreed that this must be dealt with very, very carefully- this teacher's career could be stuffed by a poorly worded or OTT complaint.
How on earth is a teacher meant to mark work and have a private conversation without sitting alongside or leaning over?

WitchWay · 12/09/2014 07:17

It would be less crowding if the teacher bobbed down next to the desk rather than looming over (I would hate this too) - perhaps she has bad knees

lordnoobson · 12/09/2014 07:29

i think your d is being a bit of a wimp.

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