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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum is being odd about this? Wedding related, sorry!

27 replies

collectorofcookbooks · 11/09/2014 12:39

We have a family wedding at the end of the month. We're staying in the same place as the venue, although not at the venue itself.

My DB, SIL and DN will be there as will my parents and our DTs.

My mother is intending to ask my cousin (the bride) if she can pay for the photographer to take a group shot of just our part of the family all glammed up as a 70th birthday present to herself. Her idea is that the photographer can just 'pop down' before the wedding ceremony itself.

I think she's bang out of order. My SIL thinks it's hilarious, DB thinks it's a bit 'meh'. DH just says it's typical of her to make it all about her, and he'll go along with it.

I have a good camera and can't see why another relative can't take a few shots with that before the wedding, thus not bothering the wedding party.

I can see why she'd like a group shot but come on...is it me? AIBU to think this is really cheeky?

And if it's relevant, she had a huge fuss over her birthday, it's not like we didn't celebrate it with her and give her gifts.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 11/09/2014 12:40

That would wind me up a bit if I were the bride. You are right, she should just take a photo with someone else's camera. Wedding logistics are complicated enough without adding in extras.

Vitalstatistix · 11/09/2014 12:45

Is it that she can't bear for any occasion to not have her at the centre of it

You know your cousin, is she the easy going type who will just find it funny, or would she be pissed off?

Is your mother proposing that the photographer comes to where you are staying, or that you all go to the ceremony and have a picture taken there?

If it is come to us beforehand, where we are staying, not the wedding venue, as a separate job and it isn't made a big deal of, and it's because it is not often you all get together and it would be really convenient then that's not as bad as if she wants you all to go to the venue and have your photos taken with the rest of the guests watching, because that's more about getting focus and attention on her.

I'd say the first is ok, but the second is not.

sparechange · 11/09/2014 12:48

She is barking!

Just before the ceremony, the photographer will be with the bride, probably accompanying her to the venue, or with the bridesmaids. Their priority will be capturing her getting out of the car and walking into the venue.
Can you imagine if they were late for that because your mum wanted 'one more shot'?!

No photographer in their right mind would risk it!

PetulaGordino · 11/09/2014 12:48

my family has done this in the past, but never as a separate thing - it's always been during the celebrations, after the formal stuff is over and the B&G have had all the groups shots done. so while the photographer is taking "candid" shots of people enjoying themselves, we've grabbed them and asked for a group shot

then later when the photos are ready, buy the group shot directly from the photographer. they have never minded - it's extra income for them, and the B&G don't have to keep that one

Original poster

collectorofcookbooks · 11/09/2014 12:49

AFAIK she was wanting the photographer to come down when we were all ready to where we're staying (on an estate, it's ten minutes to the venue!)

But my SIL thinks she's wanting it when the main photos go on.

OP posts:

PetulaGordino · 11/09/2014 12:49

i hasten to add - this has always been at close family weddings where we know the B&G don't mind

CromerSutra · 11/09/2014 12:53

I don't think it's outrageous to ask depending on your mum's relationship with the bride /cousin. We have a similar family wedding coming up and as a very close family I think my cousin would think this a lovely idea. However, I would never assume that and in your mum's case I might ask very nicely well in advance.

CromerSutra · 11/09/2014 12:56

My cousin has already asked if any of us would like our hair/make up done by the people doing hers. Obviously those taking her up on it are paying for the service but it's a nice gesture on her part.

ChessieFL · 11/09/2014 12:57

Not on to expect photographer to travel to where you are before the ceremony - they need to be at venue/with bride. However, I don't see a problem with doing what Petula said - ask photographer to take your group shot after all other formals have been done.

CromerSutra · 11/09/2014 12:58

I think asking him/her to come down to where you are staying is too much of an ask. As a family group during the hundreds of other photos maybe not.

DoJo · 11/09/2014 12:59

I don't think it's outrageous, but it's up to the bride and groom as to whether they accommodate it as they might want 'preparation' shots done of themselves getting ready, the venue, the guests arriving etc which will mean the photographer is busy pretty much the whole time!

AliceLidl · 11/09/2014 13:06

Wedding photo's now often start with those candid shots of the bride getting ready, wedding party travelling, arriving guests etc, so it's likely that the photographer will be with the bride and not available for your mother.

I know you say she has offered to pay, but the photographer will already be working and weddings are hectic.

Why can't your mother just organise a professional photo shoot somewhere else for you all on a different day, if it has to be a professional shot, or just ask someone else on the guest list to take some shots of you all together and choose the best of those?

sparechange · 11/09/2014 13:06

At the end of the group shots is not so bad, because all the important shots will have been done.
But if it is before the ceremony starts, it is a very unreasonable ask of both the bride and the photographer

PetulaGordino · 11/09/2014 13:09

wait - is she concerned that if she waits until the "milling around" time everyone will be completely trashed on champagne and won't look as good in their finery any more?

if that's the risk then i think booking a separate session is the only thing you can do. no way could you ask for the photographer to come over to where you're staying earlier in the day

Original poster

collectorofcookbooks · 11/09/2014 13:43

I'll have to speak to her about it won't I?

I was hoping it might just go away!

I'll see if I can steer her towards having one after the formal shots.

Yes, she does love being the centre of attention...can you tell?

OP posts:

middlings · 11/09/2014 13:49

I think this is cheeky - especially as it won't involve the bride and groom.

That said, I know someone else who did it, but after the formal shots, and I don't think the bride and groom ever knew and there was no harm done. In her defence, it was a lovely picture as the photographer set them all properly (this was in the States where I think they're more used to formal photos).

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 11/09/2014 13:54

I think it would be 'ok' if she asked your cousin if it could be one of the shots on the day. 2 mins, not 20 mins! Definitely not prior to the event. How would she have felt if your Aunt had asked the same thing on your wedding day

Original poster

collectorofcookbooks · 11/09/2014 13:54

My SIL has always hated having her photo done so wouldn't have a family photo session, we've suggested it in the past.

I don't know what my cousin will make of it...she's fairly laid back. The rest of my family will think it's typical of my mother and roll their eyes.

They live abroad but we so see them fairly regularly, in fact we've had group shots taken by random passers by for the past three years and they're all up on the wall! (The photos, not the strangers )

OP posts:

WD41 · 11/09/2014 13:59

The only unreasonable bit of this is wanting the shot before the ceremony. As others have said the photographer will be busy doing the preparation & guest arriving etc photos. They simply won't be available.

Nothing wrong with asking whether it could be one of the formal group shots afterwards though. Presumably the bride will be providing the photographer with a list of groups they want, the photographer will be experienced at rattling through these quickly and it would probably take 1 minute. I wouldn't have minded such a request from an aunt on my wedding day.

monsterfaery · 11/09/2014 16:03

I don't think they are being unreasonable, we had some family do this at my DB's wedding at the venue after the photographer had finished doing the wedding shots. It was all booked in before hand. They were really grateful as they don't all get together often. Nobody minded

museumum · 11/09/2014 16:06

I think it's fine after the main photos. I also think it'd be fine to pre-arrange another family member who is a half-decent photographer to do it instead.

But def. not when the photographer is trying to do 'reportage' pre-ceremony photos - these are all the rage these days and seem to be more valued than the formal shots.

WooWooOwl · 11/09/2014 16:09

I think your Mum is rude and self centred. If she wants this to happen, then there's nothing stopping her from booking another photographer to come to the place where you are staying before the ceremony, she doesn't have to use the one that's already been booked by another family member for their wedding.

Or if the wedding isn't too early in the day, she could take you all to a local photographers studio for some family shots. Or she could have got a photographer for her birthday party. She has plenty of other options if she wants a group picture of you all glammed up without trying to take over someone else's wedding day as well as their paid professional.

AliceLidl · 11/09/2014 16:52

At my wedding I gave the photographer a list of family groups, so they could all have a copy of their particular immediate family.

So it's possible your cousin has already arranged this at that time.

I'd already asked my parents and PILs if they had any particular photo's they would like to have taken, and those were on the list too, so it was just a matter of the photographer calling out "can I have Auntie X and Uncle Y and their children, partners and grandchildren for this photo please" and everyone standing where he wanted them to be.

It made everything easier and quicker. But PILs still took that moment to decide they wanted additional photo's we hadn't planned for and didn't have time for, which caused a problem until I told the photographer to stick to the list until the end and fit them in only if there was time.

If your mother is going to ask for extra photo's following the official ones, she's better to do it in advance. I was really annoyed at PILs and it caused a lot of confusion and stress we could have avoided because they waited and asked on the day, rather than ahead of time when I was putting the list together.

PicaK · 11/09/2014 19:16

Thing is that your cousin is paying for the photographers time - and his focus to be on her and her new dh. I think your mum is bang out of order. Try to get her to see that it's not just about paying for 1 print.

Also make sure that she knows she has to be very gracious if she does ask and your cousin says no.

KneeQuestion · 11/09/2014 19:20

You have to stop her speaking to the bride about this!

Really not on IMO.

How can she not see how wrong it would be to even suggest it?

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