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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to go to uncle grave ( trigger warning and sensitive)

32 replies

PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:28

16 years on and i am still very angry with him.

My dad wants me to take him, and I really can not go. I did not go to the funeral and have been angry ever since the time of the phonecall.

he was 10x over the legal limit. He was drunk and 'lucky' only he was killed. Nobody apart from family/friends was effected.

My dad is hurt that i still cant forgive him, but I cant.

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 10/09/2014 23:29

Is your dad elderly? If so YABU. Stop being so self obsessed. That's his brother...of course he was wrong to drink and drive but he's dead. Your Dad has memories of him as a child!

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:30

My dad is in his 50 and still working,

OP posts:
steff13 · 10/09/2014 23:31

Can't you drive your dad to the cemetery, without visiting the actual grave yourself?

thereturnofshoesy · 10/09/2014 23:32

ffs you are angry
imagine how your dad feels
grow up and take him

londonrach · 10/09/2014 23:33

Yabu. Support your dad. He forgiven his brother.

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:34

Due to distance it will be go and drive back.

OP posts:
thereturnofshoesy · 10/09/2014 23:36

so
go
and
drive back

????

musicmaiden · 10/09/2014 23:37

Take your dad to support him as he grieves. You can stand back silently as you wish.

But your uncle is long gone, your anger needs to be let go too.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/09/2014 23:38

You can't help how you feel O.P and it's sad really that other posters have not been more sympathetic. You obviously have your reasons for feeling what you feel and you can't just turn them on and off like a tap. Like Steff suggested can you not just drive you dad there and pick him up later though or would that be too painful.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/09/2014 23:39

I understand why you would be angry.

But you are only punishing your father by refusing.

The utterly idiotic mistake your uncle made doesn't make your dad love him less.

picnicbasketcase · 10/09/2014 23:41

I see what you mean, and if you're still so angry you're not grieving, but think about your poor father, who is asking you to take him somewhere. Can you think of it like that, rather than the symbolic issue of paying your respects?

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:41

The problem is I don't know how.

OP posts:
Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:43

I think the only reason I have asked here is because of guilt.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 10/09/2014 23:48

Your dad isn't just grieving the man who made that final appalling misjudgement. He's grieving the whole person who no doubt did plenty of good things in his life too.

Would you feel the same if you'd known he had driven in that state not had the accident and lived for many more years?

You need to think of other times you shared with your uncle and make one of those his identity in your mind when you take your dad to visit. You don't have to forgive him that one dreadful mistake but you also don't have to allow it to define him totally.

You also don't have to forgive him in order to support your father. The person who needs your support isn't the one lying in the grave.

Staywithme · 10/09/2014 23:54

Would you refuse to go out of anger if it was your father, brother or sister that killed themselves in a drunken accident OP? Sorry but you need to support your father or live with the fact that your attitude is hurting him and possibly making him feel a bit resentful towards you. YOU don't have to forgive him but you should help your father.

I think your anger may become a terrible burden and honestly think you should get some grief counselling to help deal with your feeling if if affects you this much. Hope you and you dad sort if out.

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 10/09/2014 23:54

Thank you all for bluntness, I will take my dad

OP posts:
Redglitter · 10/09/2014 23:56

Surely by taking your dad it doesn't mean you have to go to the grave. Can't you drop him somewhere nearby let him go while you sit in the car and then run him back?

Goldmandra · 11/09/2014 00:04

I will take my dad

That's good to hear. I'm sure your presence will help him at a very difficult time.

Maybe you should write a letter to your uncle telling him how you feel about his actions then burn it. You might benefit from expressing it outwardly.

FWIW I would be angry with him too. I feel similarly towards someone I cared for very much and lost recently through them not being able to control their alcohol intake. I'm trying not to let it define my view of them, although it is perhaps easier for me because this person did not put anyone else's life at risk. It's just the pain and grief I see in their wake (literally) that is so hard to accept.

helenenemo · 11/09/2014 00:08

YANBU. It's your dad's choice to be ok with it. He can get a taxi.

Original poster
PiperIsOrange · 11/09/2014 00:13

well I'm going to try and get some sleep. Thanks to you all for replying.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 11/09/2014 00:20

as someone who's best friend was killed by a drunk driver I can completely understand where you are coming from and why you cannot forgive him.

yanbu at all in spite of what some people seem to think.

why does your dad need you to go? can he not go alone or can you drop him at the gates

Bulbasaur · 11/09/2014 02:05

In my experience, people don't hold onto anger unless there was problems with them while they were alive. Otherwise you'd see it as a tragic and confusing end. If your uncle was an alcoholic, I can see why you'd be upset.

Dying doesn't suddenly make someone a saint and erase all the bad things they've done. It just means they're in a hole in the ground.

You don't have to take your father if you don't want to be there. Being resentful while he's grieving isn't going to help him either.

Why not take him out to tea or something after he's done instead?

hotfuzzra · 11/09/2014 04:14

10x over the limit? That's 350 micrograms of alcohol in 100ml of breath?!
180 is the most I've ever heard of!!! In fact a quick google and the highest in UK was 192...

Sorry for your loss.

externalwallinsulation · 11/09/2014 08:55

I think you're getting an extremely harsh set of responses here, OP, and I am very sorry for that.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process, and when someone dies in an accident as a result of a bad error of judgement, it's easy for those feelings of rage that EVERYONE has when they experience loss to get tied to the person on a permanent basis.

You experienced a dreadful shock, not only in the loss of your uncle, but in finding out that he'd done such a stupid thing. I would suggest that your anger means that you still aren't 'over' that shock - and that's OK.

But maybe it's time to start to ask yourself why, after all this time, you still feel such visceral and negative emotion. What is it about drunk driving that scares you so much? Or is it that you found out something about your uncle that you didn't like or expect, and were so desperately disappointed in him? I notice that you've flagged your post with a trigger warning, even though it doesn't really contain any triggers for the majority of people. That's quite suggestive - what about this is a trigger for you?

Recognising that he was just a human, and remembering your uncle as rounded and flawed (as we all are), with good and bad sides, might be helpful.

I wonder if you could use this visit with your Dad as a way of starting to explore these emotions? Because your uncle has been gone for some time, and this anger will only be hurting you.

Andro · 11/09/2014 10:47

The obvious triggers points are:

  1. For OP personally if she had ever been in a car with her uncle driving, given a very real risk that he has driven under the influence before - the fear reaction of 'what if' and the anger of 'how dare he endanger live that way'.
  1. On a wider scale for people like me who have had family and friend killed by thoughtless, unforgivable idiots who got behind the wheel drunk (except the man who killed a chunk of my and DH's family is still alive...and regularly drives after drinking!).

OP, you are entitled to your feelings, you are entitled to make your own choices and as an adult you shouldn't be guilt tripped into a situation that feels so wrong. You may find some professional help beneficial to start processing why you feel the way you do; what you feel is in any way wrong, but you don't seem to be coming to terms with how you feel either.