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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact visits

37 replies

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 20:54

DN has been having contact visits with db since he split up with her mum years ago. This was always just the two of them till db met his wife 3 years ago when they decided dn would never be allowed time on her own with him.

DN keeps asking for a day out alone with her dad. He refuses as says she has to be part of his new family and always be with her sisters.
We are not meant to see her without db and his wife but at the weekend she came round with her mum and spoke again about wanting her visits every fortnight to include some time where it was just her and db and would I try and speak to him about it as she said she just feels like a babysitter on her weekends with him.

I asked him about it and he said absolutely no way that its family time or no visit at all. I think he's BU but would it be wrong if I spoke to him again or is that sticking my nose in too far to somebody else's business? I really feel for dn and can see she's upset (she's 12).

Should I talk to him again or keep out of it now?

OP posts:

Yangsun · 10/09/2014 21:03

Yanbu of course she should be able to spend some time with him alone, probably not all the time but a bit of time for her to feel important and valued by hi is hugely important. I would talk to him again and ask him if he really wants to push her away? Tell him how she feels and point out that it's one thing to make idle threats about it being everyone or no contact but how will he feel if she chooses the no contact option.

WooWooOwl · 10/09/2014 21:06

Poor child. Your brother sounds like a proper selfish bastard. Parents that do this are horrible.

You might end up falling out with him if you talk to him about it again, but on the other hand, he might see sense and give his first child the attention she deserves. If not, then it's worth falling out over, because at least then your niece will see that someone on her Dads side of the family thinks she is worth speaking up for.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 21:14

He was quite annoyed when I suggested he perhaps took her somewhere for an hour or so to maybe get a drink and cake and have a chat about her new school etc. his view is that she's either part of his new family or not but he takes his other two dds out separately so don't understand why he can't allow his dd1 to have some quality time with him.

I don't want to overstep the mark but the fact she came to see me and mentioned it makes me feel like I owe it to her to at least try.

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 10/09/2014 21:18

He needs to understand that the other DC get time on their own with him without her and that she's got nothing against them but would just love some "grown up" time just her and him.

Poor girl. They are right to treat her as they do the others, but they should consider her wishes too.

I would try and broach it again explaining the above and see what he says. Just an hour here and there wouldn't kill him.

Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2014 21:25

Is she really treated as a babysitter?

lunar1 · 10/09/2014 21:32

I would point out that she is getting to an age where she could chose not to see him. he is treating his DD horribly.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/09/2014 21:34

He is being a right wanker, it is nit on that his other children get time Alone with him and she doesent! I would tell him it's not on. Your poor niece, having a horrid dad like that!

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 21:36

She doesn't have to look after her sisters alone but is given the baby to hold a lot, has to play with other sisters etc and help out so not babysitting but I can see why she describes it as that as she s 12 and doesn't want to do that she wants to see her dad

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 10/09/2014 21:36

whilst I agree with your db to a point, ALL kids deserve 121 time with their parents!! dd (1) adores her big brother and sister (11 & 8.5), she get so excited when they are here but she gets her dad 75% of the time without them about so I make sure they get the chance to dp stuff with him where she isn't about if they want to.

Dss (11) adores dd and will happily spend hours playing with her and giggling but he also enjoys sitting in the garden with his dad tinkering with his bike.

your db needs to listen to his daughter, every contact needn't have alone time but every so often there should be if she is asking for it. are the other kids his or not?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 21:39

No, older dd is not his but the baby is.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 10/09/2014 21:42

Her visits are only once a fortnight, how could anyone begrudge a child a couple of hours every 2 weeks with her dad?

wheresthelight · 10/09/2014 21:43

then the older one realistically is nothing to do with your db and ot as mad that this is going on!

that poor girl! if db won't listen has dp's mum considered mediation solicitors?

wheresthelight · 10/09/2014 21:45

sorry older kid is nothing to do with dn

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 21:49

I think dn mum was hoping that I maybe able to get db to agree to some time alone with his dd1. Some weekends DBS stepdaughter is at her dads so there are opportunities where it would be easier for him to get some Time with his dd1 but he said no she has to be part of his new family.

I think his dd1 is getting quite upset, she mentioned a karate presentation she wanted db to go to but wasn't going to ask as knew it'd be a no. I tried to speak to db and explain how I take my dd1 occasionally for a hot chocolate and a chat, ds1 likes to go to the bookshop/park sometimes and dd2 likes time with me playing games and that all dcs need a bit of time alone sometimes it doesn't mean they are not part of the family but he won't budge.

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2014 22:05

What would he do if she refused to visit him?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 22:07

Honestly, he would probably say "fine, no more maintenance payments then"

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 10/09/2014 22:09

He can't refuse to pay maintenance and your dn's mum needs to go through csa urgently to get attachment to earnings done before she has to pay for it to be done! the money is about providing for his child not a bribe to visit and be neglected

is there anyone who your db would listen to?

whois · 10/09/2014 22:11

Could you speak to his new wife? Would she be supportive of your DN having some 1-on-1 time with her dad?

Surely all rational adults know everyone needs a bit of 1 on 1 time?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 22:15

Db new wife in complete agreement with him. I can see why they are doing it and trying to be a family unit at all times dn is with them but it wouldn't hurt for dn to have an hour or two just with her dad. Db has a new baby as does dn mum and she keeps saying she feels like a babysitter in both houses

OP posts:

KissMyFatArse · 10/09/2014 22:23

Your brother is a knob.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/09/2014 22:27

I know you are not her dad, but could you offer some one to one alone time with her? for an hour or so a month.

SingingSilver · 10/09/2014 22:34

Why are you not meant to see her without your db and his wife? Is that on his say so? If so, I would break that rule. He sounds incredibly controlling, and the more that is chipped away, the better. Make arrangements for her to have some quality one to one time with her aunty at least. You don't need his permission.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2014 22:41

Do you think it might be the wife who is insisting everything is done as a 'family'?

Original poster

Edenviolet · 10/09/2014 23:02

Db has said many times that we can only see his dd when he says. For a while this was I think due to DM not accepting his stepdaughter as 'real' family. He said treat them all the same or don't see any

OP posts:

SingingSilver · 10/09/2014 23:17

He can't stop you seeing his oldest daughter, and to stop you seeing the others would only be spiting them. In fact, it's unlikely he would stop you seeing them because then your oldest DN would have something the others didn't, iyswim?

In your shoes I think I would be as diplomatic as possible. I'd tell him that yes, it was a good idea of his to focus on the family unit, you understand that, but they are all a proper family now, and in real families you don't have rules about who is allowed to socialize with who.

Really, if he only sees her once a fortnight he's not in a position to be calling the shots about who she sees the other 26 days in the month!

Has he ever given you cause to be wary of him? Do you think he could get aggressive if challenged?

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