Contact visits

[Edenviolet]

DN has been having contact visits with db since he split up with her mum years ago. This was always just the two of them till db met his wife 3 years ago when they decided dn would never be allowed time on her own with him.

DN keeps asking for a day out alone with her dad. He refuses as says she has to be part of his new family and always be with her sisters.
We are not meant to see her without db and his wife but at the weekend she came round with her mum and spoke again about wanting her visits every fortnight to include some time where it was just her and db and would I try and speak to him about it as she said she just feels like a babysitter on her weekends with him.

I asked him about it and he said absolutely no way that its family time or no visit at all. I think he's BU but would it be wrong if I spoke to him again or is that sticking my nose in too far to somebody else's business? I really feel for dn and can see she's upset (she's 12).

Should I talk to him again or keep out of it now?

He sounds like a controlling prick and if his ex has no problem with you seeing the poor wee love then I wouldn't let him stand in the way. She does have TWO parents and since she lives with her mum I would see if she could also spend the odd day with you. Is he afraid she may tell you something if he's not there? I'm sorry but she's a child and if the mum agrees to you seeing her I'd tell him to get stuffed if he doesn't like it as her needs are more important. If you care about your dn you should build a relationship with her as it sounds like she's getting to the stage where she'll refuse to go then you'll lose her too.

It does seem odd that he is being so controlling about just one daughter. She may not spend any time alone with her father, she may not spend any time with her aunt unless her father (and everyone else) is present.

It's ridiculous, he sounds more like her parole officer than her father!

She's a lovely, lovely girl and gets on amazingly well with my dcs , she's extremely caring towards them and really enjoys spending time with my dd1 who is just a year older than her. Dn mum said that whenever she's in the area she could drop dn off to us for a bit, I don't mind at all as its not like she's any trouble at all and dd1 and her just sit together doing loom bands and singing.
I just feel sad for her that she wants some time with her dad and can't get it. Db has put so much emphasis on the whole family treating his stepdaughter as a true relative now that he seems to have forgotten that all of his dcs have needs. He takes his youngest out for walks in her pram alone, he takes his four year old dd to the park etc so she gets time alone but for some reason his dd1 is not allowed.

He really is risking his relationship with his DD.

My ex did this - said to the kids (age 10, 12 and 15) that they came to visit him and if they didn't like his new gf tough - it was her house too and he wasn't going to ask her to leave while they were there. That wasn't what they asked for; they asked for time with him without her or her daughter there. Needless to say, they don't go there at all any more. And my ex is doing exactly the same your DB said he would do, he's stopped paying CM and CSA don't give a shiny one (he's self-employed).

12 year olds are not daft and he's going to end up with no relationship with her at all. Unfortunately, that's up to him.

You sound like a lovely aunt, btw, and I wouldn't let your DB dictate when or where you can see your DN. She's old enough now to make up her own mind.

Your brother is a controlling arse, and he will regret it when your niece is an adult and he cant ever take his behaviour back. All she wants is some one to one time with dad every two weeks, that is not a lot to ask. Good on you for spending time with your niece, keep doing that and work on your brother while your are at it.

Its little things I've noticed for example its a long drive for him to collect his dd1, but he ALWAYS takes his stepdaughter for the journey so I do wonder how much sil is influencing his contact visits.

Could well be hedgehog. Especially tge emphasis on doing everything as a family. His loss and unfortunately his dd loss if he hasen't got the balls to stand up to his wife if it is that.

That is so sad. What is wrong with your db? Has he always been an arsehole?

Of course he should have some time alone with her - even more so considering he does that with his other DCS! Not sure how you can make it happen though. Essentially he is putting his needs above hers.

Have you tried pointing out to him that he has no issue with doing things individually with his other children?

And yep he's being an arse

My father did this. I stopped seeing him as soon as I was old enough too. As a result we didn't have a great relationship for most of my adult life until recently when I had my own DC and we have both tried for their sakes. It makes me sad though that he didn't care enough for me or my sister to want to see us without his new family, but part of me thinks it was because he relied on his new wife to actually do the childcare. I also have no relationship with my fathers siblings as a result.

I would offer your DN space to get to know you and your DC, to know she has family who care for her and want to spend time getting to know her. Leave your DB to his selfishness and new life. He will regret it. I know my father has done, which is some consolation...

glad you and her mum are coming to an arrangement for the benefit of your dn.