To be angry at the TV/film/adverts portrayal of cancer.

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The whole 'fuck you cancer' 'let's fight together' and pictures of attractive women with hair loss who are ballsy and glamourous with loads of friends around them taking part in fun-runs and coffee mornings.

Cancer isn't like that for everyone. My mum has lung cancer. On paper she's been very lucky, she flew through the first 2 loads of chemo and radiotherapy shrinking the tumour incredibly. Doctors have told her she should be dead by now but the chemo keeps on working.

She should have been one of the glamourous advert ladies, she still looked amazing, she fought cancer and was doing great.

So why was it that after a stomach bug in April she was too scared to leave the house? Stopped eating properly and lost 4 stone?

Cancer scared her. She thought this time it was going to be the end.

The chemo this time has really knocked her back. The weight loss and muscle wasting from not leaving the house has meant she's too weak to take the chemo well. She's lost her hair this time, she's exhausted, crying constantly and pushing her family away. She pretends her grandchildren don't exist because it makes it easier for her to deal with.

She's a shell of the woman she once was.

She's not the lady on the advert shouting in the camera, she's not one of the happy people wearing pink fairy wings. She's another person fighting cancer quietly, not wanting to be a nuisance, getting on with her own fight.

These adverts undoubtedly work in raising funds for incredible charities but please don't forget that cancer is a sickening, soul destroying disease. It's not all fun runs and feather boas.

Yes, I think there's some truth in what you're saying. Nobody seems to acknowledge the darker side of cancer, and how it can affect a person psychologically. My mum lost her 'fight' with cancer 15 years ago. It wasn't an outwardly brave 'I'm-gonna-beat-this' attitude. However I do know that she was brave. She did the best she could but was beaten in the end by a cruel disease.

I'm really sorry that you are going through all this.

Your post really stuck a cord with me and is so very well written. I find the adverts both insensitive and upsetting. Also the idea that if you fight hard enough you will overcome it --- if only.

So sorry that your Mum is having such a tough time, as you explain cancer is far from glamorous and can have totally life shattering effects even if you do win!

So sorry if this seems such a negative post but I lost my husband to cancer when he was just 26. He couldn't have "fought" harder or wanted to live more.

I had breast cancer two years ago, and actually coped during the whole process re markedly well. Literally, I took the attitude that all they have to do is cut it put and it'll be gone.

Two years on, I'm fine, but get down from the medication- induced weight gain, and also from the knowledge that it could reoccur anytime - previously there was no breast cancer in the family. It's like a shadow hanging over me.

Funnily enough, I'm one of those people who always will put money in a charity box, buy school raffle tickets etc. But I can't get excited about these big events.a

People say to me that 'you are doing so well considering what you have been through... ' - I'd rather have not joined the cancer club in the first place!

Sorry, didn't mean to have a mini-rant. I guess what I'm saying is that I agree with you. It's great money is being raised to fight the disease, but the ads do gloss over the suffering felt by many.

Ps sorry to hear about your mum

I agree, my DF recently came through cancer, of course he was brave, he tried to keep a happy face on but at the end of the treatment he was just not dad. The radiotherapy had 'burnt' him to a crisp, he lost weight, stopped eating and eventually drinking, was wandering around the house aimlessly begging us to take him to hospital. We did And he was admitted for a few days, put on drips, etc
He is now thankfully getting somewhere back to his normal self, but it was horrendous for the whole family, at no time was in in the mood for fairy wings or feather boas!!

The MacMillan ones tend to be less ebullient ebullient and move me far more. Trying to be quirky with "cancer, you prat" just has the effect of making me want to switch over. So sorry about your mum, OP x

Indeed. YANBU. It is all a load of bollocks. I hate all the adverts about fighting and being brave and whatever. The flipside is that people who die haven't fought hard enough, which is completely untrue, unfair and disrespectful. It's just down to luck. Whether your cancer is found in time, whether the treatments work for you. It's not because some people are stronger or tougher than anyone else. No one ever says that anyone with cancer is a wimp or a coward, they are always brave. Except they're just getting on with treatment, the same as anyone else would. It's not like anyone has a choice. You have cancer, you have the treatment, if you're lucky you will be OK. (Obviously you can choose not to have the treatment, what I mean is you don't get to choose not to have cancer). The real battle is "fought" by scientists and doctors, our bodies are just the battleground, and we are just collateral damage. Cancer is shit, so is the treatment.

Having said all of that, I've not been hugely affected by my cancer. The surgery has left some undesired side effects but otherwise my life is good

But what hurts me is that some of my friends have not been that lucky. Some of them won't ever get the all clear. No amount of prancing around in a feather boa or taking a photo without make up on is going to change that for them. I wish it could.

I'm sorry about your mum. Is she getting any support from Macmillan or similar? Or from her team? I'm glad to hear that the treatments are working but they aren't a magic bullet by any stretch, they are really unpleasant.

You're right, but I do like the Stand Up To Cancer advert that's been on the past few days - it isn't suggesting that people who died didn't 'fight' hard enough, it's showing that the scientists are fighting to cure it.

OP you're right that the adverts portray a cancer experience that many don't have. I have cancer at the moment and I've had three lots of surgery in four months, and have pretty much been on bed rest ever since. For three of those months I didn't leave the house except to go to hospital appointments. I have an eight month old baby boy whom I wasn't able to hold or cuddle for a full three months I've lost 8kg in weight. I spent two weeks in hospital vomiting every 20 mins because the doctors couldn't get it under control. I hardly leave the house because of sunshine - my chemo drugs make me extremely susceptible to sun burn - or when I do I'm rushing from building-car-building just to avoid getting burned, even when I've got sun cream on.

However, I do think chunderella makes a good point about the adverts being designed to galvanise the general public.

My Dad told me this morning that the Cancer that nearly killed him 12 years ago has come back.

None of us feel glamorous or ballsy, we just feel shit and deflated, and scared.

I hate those adverts, particularly today.

Thanks everyone. I'm so sorry that you have all had awful experiences.

I suppose I feel like I'm supposed to watch these adverts and feel grateful or proud or brave, I don't know. Instead they make me angry.

Don't get me wrong I wholeheartedly support the charities, Macmillan have been great to my mum and I will definitely be going to my local coffee morning.

I just wish that this 'friendly' view of cancer wasn't the one that most people see on TV.

I get annoyed by the stories in local newspapers too, as if one (usually pretty and young) cancer survivors story is more sad than anyone elses. But then I suppose no one wants to read about the 70 yo batchelor who soils himself and has to fight alone. hmm]

Anyway I'm rambling. I'm just having a shit week with this fucking disease pissing me off.

(Autocorrect tried to put pudding instead of pissing. Mmm pudding)

and beccajoh

OP I'm so sorry about your mum

Toolong - how awful for you and your dad

I find the language around cancer is very much focused on "winning" "fighting" and "beating it" and that must be hard for those who didn't win, didn't have the strength or opportunity to fight and didn't beat it.

These campaigns sometimes treat cancer as though it was a living, evil being as opposed to a disease.

I know the coffee mornings raise money and that is fantastic - a really good idea, but the campaign for breast cancer seems to focus on the colour pink (associated with females) when, in fact, men get breast cancer too.

Oh OP it's so shit isn't it? I hate the adverts, and I particularly hate the expectation that cancer patients (or anyone else with a crappy disease for that matter) have to be upbeat and plucky and determined.

I feel like this desire for a feel-good story robs people of their voice and their ability to say "no, actually, I'm not upbeat about this, I'm not savouring every day and living life to its fullest - I feel like absolute crap, I'm constantly worried and stressed and I'm taking it out on the people who love me by pushing them away and actually it's turning me into a bit of a monster because I am PISSED OFF that life is so unfair" - but that doesn't follow the script and, besides, no-one wants to listen to that.

I hate the adverts and think the best one I've seen was the lady with pancreatic cancer being honest saying 'I wish it was breast cancer' or something similar

It's about time people were honest about the disease, the horrendous mental impact it has on individuals and their families and also what the after effects of surviving cancer can mean - stomas, lymphodema, compromised immunity, erectile and sexual dysfunction etc etc. we never get that side of the message!

Excellent post.

I come from the other side, I was a scientist developing new cancer drugs.

These adverts grate on me too. We had to grub for every penny, a big part of the job was paperwork for new grants. We only had new staff (from scientists to washer uppers), if we could get a grant to fund it.

None of this fun running, feather boa waving "fight" brought more money, staff or equipment into the lab.

I lost my mum to cancer nearly 11 years ago.
The only thing on tv that has ever come close to the reality of what we went through was, of all the ridiculous things in the world, the loss of Chummy's mother in Call the Midwife. I wasn't expecting it but suddenly found myself sobbing at the rawness of it. There was nothing noble about it, just suffering and the terrible toll on the family.

My FIL has lymphoma. He's currently in remission but it will return - it's incurable.

Hate it.

YABU.

I completely agree. I hate those adverts and turn the TV over whenever one comes on. Yes, it's great money is raised but I hate the implication that cancer is a battle that can always be won if you just fight hard enough.

My mum died from leukaemia at 45 after 3 years of 'fighting' and I would never want anyone I know to go through the reality of what that was like for our family. It certainly wasn't pink fluffy wings and fairy wands.

Agree OP. My favourite uncle has just received a terminal diagnosis. A youngish man, felt ill having been fine and healthy, went to the doctor, was sent for tests and week later had twelve months to live. So where is the fighting?

The ads are patronising and unhelpful. My DB is also in research, some of which is pertinent to cancer diagnosis and treatment, and I echo what micah says. He has to fight for every penny and spends so much of his time travelling round presenting his results, (instead of doing the science!), just to get the money for the next bit of kit or another assistant for a year.

I loathe these adverts. And I loathe the gung-ho language of cancer and the tyranny of positivity that accompanies it.

I have had breast cancer twice and watched many friends and relatives die of BC and various other cancers.
There is nothing pink and pretty about any of it.
I am not a "survivor" or a "warrior" and my only "battle" is with the medication I have to take and the disabilities treatment has left me with.

Given that cancer affects 50% of the population, you'd be hard pushed to find anyone who wasn't affected directly or indirectly by cancer. So I do wonder who the hell these advertising execs are talking to.

A big un-Mumsnetty hug to all who are dealing/have dealt with with cancer.

Ironically I've worked in research too and the lab leaders (the people with a wealth of knowledge and experience) spent most of their time in their offices buried in paperwork, applying for funding.

Like some of the other posters, I am a cancer "survivor" - that is if you call losing a leg (technically half a leg as it was amputated just under the knee) before going through the hideousness that is chemo - losing hair, throwing up etc and generally feeling like I don't care if I live or die. Then there are the follow up appointments and scans and the constant fear that the next time would be the time they tell me that it's back, or it hadn't gone in the first place. Living with cancer means living with the fear that you may not be so lucky next time - and it is luck, luck and biology. I was lucky that my tumour was discovered fairly quickly before it had the chance to metastasise. I was lucky that the chemo worked, that "just"losing my leg was enough.

I now work in research - not lab based, but trying to improve the health service. We have a couple of cancer studies going on in the department and, believe me, these studies are not glamorous or high profile or involve silly, insulting slogans about beating it - they are looking at how to deal with the shit hand that fate has handed you and improving things a little bit for the patients.

A friend of mine dealt with her cancer literally by thinking if it as a battle. She used to visualise her body battling the cancer cells and defeating them. She had young children at the time, including one with severe SN and this was how she coped with it and made herself feel in control.
I think the problem with the adverts is that it assumes you can take some people's individual, personal way of coping with a horrendous illness and turn it into a marketing campaign. I work for a charity and it is of course about engaging the general public on an emotional level, and getting them to take part in fundraising, but I think the clever marketing messages are getting too far away from the reality of the cause. And I say this as a fundraiser / marketing person for a charity.