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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU or did DH overreact?

41 replies

cargate · 10/09/2014 08:48

To set the scene, DH is a bit of a perfectionist. He is very meticulous and also takes very good care of his things.

Yesterday I drove our car into a pillar Blush. I was really cross with myself and immediately worried about telling DH because I knew he'd be angry. I decided to call a garage and book an appointment for this morning to get a quote for the repair. I also decided that I wouldn't tell DH about the damage until I'd got the quote.

So this morning, I rush out and get the quote. It was about 4 times how much I was hoping for so I came back home and told DH everything.

He's gone mad! He told me that I am dishonest for not telling him yesterday. I tried to explain that I was hoping that the quote would be much lower so I could at least say 'OK I scratched the car and this is how much it will cost to repair, it's not too bad'. He is still furious. He said my behaviour is totally unreasonable, illogical and that I'm a liar. He also said that he doesn't care about the car (which I can't believe) and he is only angry about the fact that I didn't tell him the truth.

I feel really upset. I thought I was doing the right thing. I suppose I should have just told him last night when he got him but was I really being so unreasonable to wait until this morning when I had the quote?

OP posts:
MrsDavidBowie · 10/09/2014 08:49

H is like this too.

JoandMax · 10/09/2014 08:51

You weren't being unreasonable to get the quote first, to be honest I'd be far more concerned about how your relationships got to the stage where you can't tell you husband about an accident without fear of him being angry.....

Guiltypleasures001 · 10/09/2014 08:52

Maybe op you should tell him why you didn't tell him that he scares you and you were too frightened to come clean then see how he feels about that? Thanks

SlicedAndDiced · 10/09/2014 08:52

I would have told dp, but that's because I wouldn't have been scared of his reaction?

Does he always throw a tantrum op? You sound more like a worried teenager about to tell her strict dad something than a woman talking about her partnership.

Hope you are ok

whycantifindaname · 10/09/2014 08:52

It looks like you were trying to hide it. He may suspect you intended to get it fixed straight away and not tell him at all, if the price wasn't so high.

It just seems deceptive to have sat on something like that.

BUT, it sounds like he has massively overreacted. So you are both being unreasonable. Also, you need to have a think about why you were too scared to tell him. In a normal relationship your behavior is odd.

WooWooOwl · 10/09/2014 08:53

The fact that you didn't tell him is an easy excuse for him to show his anger.

You should have told him, but it can see why you didn't if you knew he was going to be angry with you. It's not like you did it on purpose FFS, and I think it's silly to get so angry about things like this. Shit happens in life, your DH needs to chill out.

shushpenfold · 10/09/2014 08:54

FFS. It's a car, a dent on a car. No, it's not great; yes, it's a pain but no you didn't do it on purpose and NO ONE WAS HURT! He is BU and I would be concerned if it was me that he has this reaction to a car. Ask him if he would prefer that someone was hurt and when he gets all huffy about that, then ask him would the reaction to it be that much bigger than to a dent then? Twit.YANBU.

cailindana · 10/09/2014 08:54

He isn't your parent. The most you have to do in a relationship, IMO, is say "I'm such an eejit, pranged the car, got it sorted though," discussion over.

His opinion or input is irrelevant. Everyone has accidents, you are not accountable to him, he is a dick.

HumphreyCobbler · 10/09/2014 08:56

He is using the fact that you didn't tell him to indulge his anger.
You should not have to be scared of telling your husband something like this.
Accidents happen.

MissMillament · 10/09/2014 08:56

No you are not being unreasonable. He is your partner not your father. Put it like this, if a colleague made an error of judgement like this at work, would you shout and scream and call them a liar? No? Then you don't get to do that to your partner either.
Yes, you should have told him straight away, and the fact that you were worried enough about his reaction not to, is revealing in itself, but his reaction is totally disproportionate. Does he often get angry at you like this?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 10/09/2014 08:56

It seems fair enough to me and a shame the quote's so much higher than you hoped.

Is he just shocked? Is he the type to sound off and then calm down?

I think I'd just have said last night, but my DH would have been much less upset than me sorry.

Frontier · 10/09/2014 08:57

Hmm. I'd be upset if something had happened that DH knew I'd have a big issue with and he avoided telling me.

I wouldn't get this upset over a car and in your DH's position I'd be glad you'd taken steps to get it sorted without it causing me any work/hassle.

Something is very wrong that you were too scared to tell him in the first place. But, I can see a situation where I would be very upset that DH hadn't been completely straight with me or had tried to hide something from me. I get irrationally upset about being lied to, even little lies. So I am sitting comfortably on the fence Grin

HolgerDanske · 10/09/2014 08:59

No you are not being unreasonable. You shouldn't have had to do it that way round (I think it's clear that you wanted the quote ready as an appeasement strategy. That shouldn't have been necessary) but that's what made you feel more comfortable so that's what you did. He's angry with you for a mistake and he's not man enough to just say that, he's using the delay as a convenient excuse.

I'm not sure I like him very much.

Original poster
cargate · 10/09/2014 09:01

I think that's why he's angry actually. He can't understand why I didn't tell him the truth straight away.
I wasn't scared about his reaction but I don't have a very good record with cars and scrapes and I knew he'd be cross. I was so annoyed with myself that I probably thought he would have been crosser than he actually would have been.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/09/2014 09:02

Actually I dont think the OP was deceiving him by keeping it from him, she presented the problem and the solution in one go, something I was taught you should always try to do when you fuck up.

I would have told my H as soon as I got home but then I wouldnt be frightened of him going into orbit. Its worrying that you are so scared of his reaction that you couldnt tell him about something so minor.

Perhaps now is the time for YOU to get angry OP. Tell him in no uncertain terms that a) it was an accident b) you took steps to make sure it could be rectified and c) the reason you didnt tell him was because you were frightened of him and his reaction and that if he doesnt change his attitude pronto he wont have a whipping boy to yell at much longer.

I would not be standing for that kind of treatment. Does he go OTT if a plate or mug gets broken? Does he react like this if he breaks or damages something?

myroomisatip · 10/09/2014 09:03

Massive over reaction. Where is his concern for you? Is he not worried that you could have hurt yourself?

Do you walk on eggshells around him?

Only1scoop · 10/09/2014 09:03

Being uncomfortable or worried about telling him is the issue really.

CiderwithBuda · 10/09/2014 09:04

You both need to talk about why you avoided telling him. THAT is the issue.

If he was the type that would say "oh bugger" and not make a sing and dance you would have told hm.

You were trying to manage his anger. You probably should have told him but you didn't for good reason I think. I know my mum would have not told my dad as he would have exploded. I can tell DH as he will say "oh bugger" and move on. Even when I took his Volvo flying once. They take off well. Landing not so great!

iwantgin · 10/09/2014 09:04

Hmmmm..

You weren't BU - but as others have said - you shouldn't have had to fear telling him.

Coincidentally I pranged my DH's car at the weekend - reversing into a pillar. I told him straightaway when I got home - and apologised a lot. I have since then made the arrangement for it repainting.

He was a little upset - but certainly not ranting. If he had damaged my car I possibly would have been angry, but I wouldn't have gone off on one.

Accidents happen.

Hakluyt · 10/09/2014 09:05

You didn't tell him because you were afraid he would be angry with you.

That is the key point of this whole scenario.

People in secure and equal relationships do not get angry with each other about things like this.

123Jump · 10/09/2014 09:05

Outing myself massively here, OP.
I was giving DH a lift and in our drive I reversed straight into his brand new BMW. He had had it for about 3 days. Blush
DH shrieked "What are you doing?" And rushed to survey the damage ( which totalled £4000, as it turned out)!
He got back in the car and sad nothing. I attempted to restart my heart and drove off. It took about 10 mins to get to where he was going. For 5 mins he seethed. Obviously he was ripping my head off and screaming at me in his mind...but he said nothing.
Until we were nearly there and he apologised and said "I know you didn't mean it". I mean, I could tell he was so upset with me, but he knew it was an accident, and that I felt shit about it!
It did take him a few days to look at me without him seeing a big £4000sign over my head though....
Accidents happen. And I can see why you tried to do some damage limitation.
He has made your point beautifully.

MissMillament · 10/09/2014 09:05

What Bogeyface said.
Your most recent post sounds like you are excusing his behaviour. His anger is not justified and it is worrying that you think it is ok for him to be verbally berate you either about the damage to the car OR the fact that you didn't tell him straight away. That's not how adults interact.

Only1scoop · 10/09/2014 09:06

But seeing you've had a 'few bumps and scrapes' I can kind of see why you wanted to cushion the blow.

At least you wasted no time on the quotes!!

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2014 09:07

I think people have jumped on the anger issues of the dh slightly unfairly.
Many people, for example those short of money working all hours, would be angry at an unnecessary expense, for I'm guessing the pillar didn't jump out.
I think on this incident alone it's a little harsh to start questioning the findamentals of ops relationship.
Of course you might be right, but we don't know that from details given in op.

maddening · 10/09/2014 09:08

he wnbu to say he wished you had just told him but being angry as if you were a child ibu.

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