WIBU or did DH overreact?

[cargate]

To set the scene, DH is a bit of a perfectionist. He is very meticulous and also takes very good care of his things.

Yesterday I drove our car into a pillar . I was really cross with myself and immediately worried about telling DH because I knew he'd be angry. I decided to call a garage and book an appointment for this morning to get a quote for the repair. I also decided that I wouldn't tell DH about the damage until I'd got the quote.

So this morning, I rush out and get the quote. It was about 4 times how much I was hoping for so I came back home and told DH everything.

He's gone mad! He told me that I am dishonest for not telling him yesterday. I tried to explain that I was hoping that the quote would be much lower so I could at least say 'OK I scratched the car and this is how much it will cost to repair, it's not too bad'. He is still furious. He said my behaviour is totally unreasonable, illogical and that I'm a liar. He also said that he doesn't care about the car (which I can't believe) and he is only angry about the fact that I didn't tell him the truth.

I feel really upset. I thought I was doing the right thing. I suppose I should have just told him last night when he got him but was I really being so unreasonable to wait until this morning when I had the quote?

I've just spoken to him. He told me he was especially in a bad mood this morning because we didn't sleep well (baby) and he is not a morning person. I do know all this so in hindsight I should have told him last night.

As bogey says, I did fuck up so I wanted to present the solution. He is a bit of a control freak so I didn't want him stressing out this morning of which garage to take it too and how much it would cost etc. I really thought it was better to say 'ok, I have a problem and this is how we can fix it'.

I think DH has reacted badly because he thought I was afraid of telling him. He just texted me 'it's a bumper FFS, that's what it's there for'.

I admit that I do tiptoe around him a bit, but I do it with everyone. I'm a worrier and I'm always stressing about people's reactions to things (I normally totally over think things).

He's treating you like a child.

You were worried you would be told off about damaging the car (not "his" car, you call it "our" car) and his the damage, so you could present it in a better light. So, you are buying into his attitude of superiority to you within the relationship.

I once drove down the road and clipped the wing mirror of our car. I was mortified and worried about what DH would say, and was somewhat nervous when I "owned up".

Once I had told him, he said breezily, "oh yes, I've done that a few times".

So, I realised that I felt I had to "own up", but when he had done something similar, he didn't even feel he needed to mention it to me.

This really made me think about our dynamic, and I realised that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt, said that, I think.)

You don't have to feel like a guilty child, and you don't have to hide accidents from your DH. Accidents happen to everyone. If you have a regular pattern of accidents like this, maybe you need to take more care, but you don't mention it.

Your husband sounds very controlling (you say perfectionist - I think that's a euphemism for "controlling arse").

Call him on it. "Why are you treating me like a child? Accidents happen. I'm sorry I hit the pillar and it's going to cost us money, but it didn't mean to, and everyone makes mistakes at times."

Unless you think you will be "punished" in some way for calling him on it. In which case, reevaluate your relationship.

These things happen. You did totally the right thing. Is it possible you could get a couple more quotes? Could be cheaper elsewhere?

Stop making excuses for him. He's playing up to that nicely

I was really cross with myself and immediately worried about telling DH because I knew he'd be angry

^^ tell him that. The fact that you felt it necessary to hide it until you could minimise it, is about his reaction, not about you being 'dishonest' or a 'liar' it's about self preservation and if he wasn't such a wanker, that wouldn't be necessary.

He is treating you badly and you need to wake up to that, quickly. He has anger issues and each time he's 'allowed' to ramp it up, he will... it's not good.

Sorry, x-posted.

He was angry with you for being afraid to tell him? Perhaps he should try for some introspection. Why were you afraid to tell him? Is it because past experience shows you that he will be angry in a situation like this? Perhaps there's something he can do about that to enable you to trust him not to be angry in future.

Oh, and get another quote or two. The garage may have sensed your desperation to get this fixed quickly and without fuss, and may have played on that. I am in SE London, and all the body shop people I have ever come across are "well dodgy". (Apologies to any MNers who work in car repairs, or whose family members do. I'm sure there are honest ones out there. Somewhere.)

I am not a morning person either, and I dont do well on lack of sleep. Would that excuse me ranting at someone for something that was an accident? No. Would that mean that my rant was in fact their fault for telling me at the wrong time? No.

It still seems like he is blaming you for his reaction tbh. He has calmed down about the damage (as he should) so now needs to excuse his behaviour and he has done that nicely because now you are blaming yourself for the timing!

He just texted me 'it's a bumper FFS, that's what it's there for'.

What a bitch. He's having an unnecessary go.

Seriously, OP, I can't imagine anyone I know acting like this, no sleep and not a morning person or not.

I agree with the comment that you presented the problem and the solution together. I don't think you were wrong to tell him when and how you did. I think he's behaving really badly.

He isn't angry about the damage at all. Sorry, I don't know if I was clear about that. He was angry that I didn't tell him yesterday. He can't understand that. He has just texted again and says he thinks we can repair 90% of the scratch ourselves.

I guess that with my track record of bumps and scratches I knew DH would be exasperated with me. 123Jump, I have also had a similar accident!

But I think, that I was over worried about telling him but that's because I am a worrier. I worry about everyone's reaction. From my boss, to my family, to DH to my friends. That is my issue. I'm not excusing DH's tantrum here, he shouldn't have been angry this morning but it really isn't as bad as you're all thinking.

Only he meant that it doesn't matter that it's scratched. That a bumper is there to get scratched. He's not angry about the damage to the car.

OK - well, if you are happy with your lot in life, the rest of us should just leave you to it...

However, I really can't.

I get that you are 'over worried' about telling people things (you need to start looking into that and getting it sorted instead of just accepting it), but your DH has a part to play here. You have been together a while now, he should have been able to make you feel like you can tell HIM anything, that he wont give you cause to worry about his reaction. He hasn't, he's used that.

His response is very telling. He knows what you are like and he got cross, he was tired - we all get cross at times, but he didn't say 'Oh FFS how many times have I told you that you can tell me anything and together we can sort it out, it's not a big deal, I wish you weren't so worried about telling me stuff, I love you, what more can I do??' No, he accused you of being dishonest and a liar

I would have told him straight away, but that's just me. Why are you scared of his reaction? Is it because you are embrassed/annoyed with yourself for not being perfect or is it because he has form for overreacting.

My husband is a perfectionist too, and I'm clumsy/forgetful (not a great combo lol). However I'm not scared to tell him stuff - and I've done way worse that bumping a car! He does get pissy but I just ignore him and apologise and we move on. I don't let it get to me, I know I am clumsy.

Although he is never threatening or angry just more in a whiny voice 'catzz why can't you think before you do stuff'

Don't worry about it, it was just a mistake and as long as he isn't threatening you/being overly angry/violent then don't overthink it, he probably would have been just as annoyed at himself if he dented the car if he's a perfectionist

OP, oops sorry, I did misunderstand.

I still think he was overreacting and being horrid to kick up such a fuss about when and how you told him, though.

.....and immediately worried about telling DH because I knew he'd be angry. A red flag for me here.

On what other occasions are you frightened to tell him anything because of his probable reaction (you said that you knew he's be angry).

I bet he controls you and you don't realise it.

I'm inclined to agree with latte on this one.
On the face of it, it seems straightforward, but there are small things in what you say OP, that make me think all may not be well in Eden.

I don't want to jump in with my size sevens, splashing grot everywhere, but my dingers are ringing.
You were afraid he'd go loopy about the prang, so you must have some experience of his anger to assume this in the first place.
I think he's being quite clever in telling you it's not the prang, but the lies that have upset him. This makes a mockery of your fear and puts you in the wrong, but realises it in another fashion nevertheless iyswim?
A decent man would have told you not to be so silly, and given you a cuddle, not turned it into an opportunity to have a go at you.

I'd be willing to bet that if you'd confessed straight off the bat, he'd have gone loopy just as you predicted. This way he gets to make himself look good, while making you feel like shite anyway.

Just my opinion...might be wrong.

I think he is overreacting and you've all given me reassurance that that is the case. Thanks.

He was angry yes and he did say some things he shouldn't have. But he knows that and he has calmed down now.

I suppose I need to stop worrying (I am working on this). I was overly worried about his reaction and in hindsight I know that. But he needs to remember I'm a worrier and I didn't not tell him about the car to be deceitful but because I am overly worried.

Cargate - sounds like a much better reaction from him, now that calmed a little. Hopefully you can both move on from this and both react rather differently if it happens again (sorry, couldn't resist!!)