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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 years on I still think I'm right. wibu?

38 replies

NorrisCole · 10/09/2014 08:43

Back story - I was friends with a girl throughout childhood, she came out aged 12 when we were in first year at high school. Things were difficult for her, she had a very religious family and although her parents were supportive to a certain extent, her wider family disowned her and to this day still don't talk to her.

She started a relationship when she was 12, just turning 13 with a woman she met online. This woman was 29. I was a bit Shock when she turned up at the school Gates with her but I didn't say anything.

I thought it was wrong, not because of the gay relationship, because of the age gap.

I let her know this one day by saying something along the lines of 'what the hell does a 29 year old adult woman want with a 13/13 year old child?

We fell out that day and haven't spoken since.

Until yesterday.

I was out at a restaurant and she was there with her girlfriend (not the 29 year old, they split when she was 15) and she came to speak to me. We were chatting away with small talk etc when she brought up the argument we had and she was making a joke about it. I said I still stood by what I said and thought at the time and surely now she was older she could see how wrong and weird it was?

Turns out no, she didn't think it was strange so she walked away and I think that's pretty much it for us in terms of speaking to each other again.

So what I would like to know is wibu to think it was weird that a 29 year old was with a girl of 12 turning 13 for a period of 2 years on and off?

Her parents never seemed to bother but to be honest I wondered how much they actually knew at the time.

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 10/09/2014 08:44

You were/are not being unreasonable. Of course you weren't/aren't.

Original poster
NorrisCole · 10/09/2014 08:45

I didn't think I was and I know others agreed with me at the time but never said anything.

OP posts:
Homebirthquestion · 10/09/2014 08:46

YANBU!

Frontier · 10/09/2014 08:47

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I don't think there's an age of consent for lesbians?

IMO this is exactly why there should be. A child was abused. Like many child victims (e.g. ones who have run off with a teacher entirely by their own free will Hmm ) she obviously doesn't see herself as such but she was IMO.

basgetti · 10/09/2014 08:47

A 29 year old with a 13 year old is abuse. So yes of course you were right, but she was likely groomed and additionally vulnerable without family support so her minimisation of it is also understandable IMO.

XmasMenace · 10/09/2014 08:47

Definitely very wrong, if it had been a 29yr old man it would have been all kinds of wrong, so why should a same sex relationship be treated differently. YWNBU but she sounds like she has 'ishoos' around the subject so wouldn't spend much energy thinking about it or trying to engage with her.

CromerSutra · 10/09/2014 08:48

Of course Yanbu. That is a totally unacceptable situation be the people gay or straight. One is an adult, the other is still a child. I think if your former friend goes on to have a child she may view this differently. My dd is nearly 12, the thought of a 29 year old man or woman pursuing her is abhorrent.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 10/09/2014 08:54

YANBU, what sex people are is irrelevant. There's a world of difference between adults being friends with a child and sharing an interest. DH spent hours learning the electronics with his DSIS friends Dad. I used to chat to the only GS girl on our train, sometimes as she got very bored (she'd have loved mobile internet).

But a relationship, or even going out the way to make friends is weird. In retrospect one of my male teachers behaviour was way out of order. Nothing happened, but I suspect he might have liked it to.

Preciousbane · 10/09/2014 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seasavage · 10/09/2014 09:29

YANBU. You had a genuine concern and you're right to question what motivated a 29 year old to have a romantic relationship with a 13 year old. Her reaction is telling. Why stop talking to someone who is showing support and care? (Obviously at 13 difficult to reflect. But you'd think an adult would get it).

Stealthpolarbear · 10/09/2014 09:31

No, she was abused. But I thibk she deserves sympathy. Maybe one day she will report

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 10/09/2014 09:36

I had similar. A friend who I was very close with at the time got with her mid twenties boyfriend when she was 14. She asked me my opinion, I told her, we fell out. They're still together now, she's 29, so he was genuine, but I still stand by my original argument- an adult and a teenager should not have relationships.

We speak if we see each other, but only a few words.

UncleT · 10/09/2014 09:38

Of course you were right, it was illegal for a start.

femin · 10/09/2014 09:51

This was illegal and women have been jailed for having sex with girls. If this had been reported to the police, the woman would probably have been jailed. It is a shame everyone turned a blind eye.

Chippednailvarnish · 10/09/2014 10:00

This has really struck a nerve with me, I recently met up with a group of old friends. One of the group got pregnant at 14 / 15 by a 25 year old man, they are still together. I still think he's a creep, but everyone else thinks its fine because they are still together!

I would be devastated if at 25 my DS slept with an underage girl, but I appear to be in the minority...

pictish · 10/09/2014 10:01

Well of course you weren't being unreasonable. She was a fully fledged adult, while your friend was a child. The woman was a paedophile.
Seems shocking that your ex friend still doesn't see that.

DollyMixture99 · 10/09/2014 10:05

YANBU but I really don't see why you needed to raise it with her Confused

Frontier · 10/09/2014 10:06

I know someone whose mother had her when she was 13. Her father was 20 years older. The mother still doesn't see that she was abused, he loved her and the authorities ruined her (and her daughter's) life by forcing them to be apart. Sad

Catzeyess · 10/09/2014 10:07

That's really sad that an adult she still can't recognise how inappropriate it was. I hope she isn't planning on dating a 13 year old as an adult if things don't work out with her current g/f Shock

I feel sorry for her parents, I bet they did have a problem with it, but felt like they couldn't say anything for fear of pushing her away.

GoringBit · 10/09/2014 10:08

Dolly, I read it that the friend brought the subject back up, not the OP.

LittleBearPad · 10/09/2014 10:10

29!! And 13!! You were right at the time. You're right now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 10/09/2014 10:11

OP didn't raise it, 'friend' did.

I would be concerned about the mental state of this woman. I can understand at 12/13 not questioning it, but surely as you grow up and find out that this is in fact illegal, you would know there was something untoward about it?

RocksRCool · 10/09/2014 10:11

She was the victim of a pedaphile but it's probably more palatable for her to think it was a proper relationship. I have seen threads on here where female posters have talked fondly of their much, much older teen romances with older partners. Usually they are a bit older than 13 though.

I sometimes think the most common group to be guilty of 'victim blaming' are the victims themselves Sad. It's clearly not their fault but it's sometimes understandable

SpaceStation · 10/09/2014 10:13

Maybe she can't see it, or maybe she knows it deep down but it would be horribly upsetting for her to face it. Sometimes with these things you can only really see them for what they were when you are at a safe/strong enough point in your life IYSWIM.

She was being groomed, abused and taken advantage of, but she was compliant and therefore may feel guilty and that it's her fault. (It's not, but that's how grooming works - to make the child comply voluntarily and think they are special.) I'd guess she couldn't bear to be confronted with it and still can't.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 10/09/2014 10:21

You were right. 29yo and a 13yo is not acceptable. Age of consent or not engaging in sex with a minor is a criminal offence for a reason.