12 years on I still think I'm right. wibu?

[NorrisCole]

Back story - I was friends with a girl throughout childhood, she came out aged 12 when we were in first year at high school. Things were difficult for her, she had a very religious family and although her parents were supportive to a certain extent, her wider family disowned her and to this day still don't talk to her.

She started a relationship when she was 12, just turning 13 with a woman she met online. This woman was 29. I was a bit when she turned up at the school Gates with her but I didn't say anything.

I thought it was wrong, not because of the gay relationship, because of the age gap.

I let her know this one day by saying something along the lines of 'what the hell does a 29 year old adult woman want with a 13/13 year old child?

We fell out that day and haven't spoken since.

Until yesterday.

I was out at a restaurant and she was there with her girlfriend (not the 29 year old, they split when she was 15) and she came to speak to me. We were chatting away with small talk etc when she brought up the argument we had and she was making a joke about it. I said I still stood by what I said and thought at the time and surely now she was older she could see how wrong and weird it was?

Turns out no, she didn't think it was strange so she walked away and I think that's pretty much it for us in terms of speaking to each other again.

So what I would like to know is wibu to think it was weird that a 29 year old was with a girl of 12 turning 13 for a period of 2 years on and off?

Her parents never seemed to bother but to be honest I wondered how much they actually knew at the time.

Of course it's weird and unusual but not sure why you needed to say anything about it. Especially if she is okay about it.

many people in abusive situations don't feel like they are being abused. Doesn't mean they are not in an abusive situation.

Of course yanbu.

There might not have been a specific criminal offence that properly covered abuse of a child by a woman but there would be now (and should have been).

Sexual contact with a 13 year old by an adult of either sex has been illegal for goodness knows how long. It was shocking.

It's telling she brought it up, OP. You are obviously supposed to have come to your senses and started colluding in her denial. Good for you that you didn't.

Yanbu

Any child of that age with a much older girlfriend or boyfriend would concern me.

yanbu.

and i think she also knows it because she brought it up. she maybe can't admit it to herself that she was taken advantage of. but i think she knows it deep down. you did the right thing.

YANBU.

Chippednailvarnish
This has really struck a nerve with me, I recently met up with a group of old friends. One of the group got pregnant at 14 / 15 by a 25 year old man, they are still together. I still think he's a creep, but everyone else thinks its fine because they are still together!

Agree with you chipped - maybe they're still together because he targeted her at a young age and then successfully moulded her adult life to suit him?

Aherdofmims - As long ago as the 1960's I know a woman was jailed for precisely this. So there has always been laws that could be used for this.

These are the type of threads that normally end up with my flouncing from mumsnet but here we go...

OP you were not wrong then, you are not wrong now. A 13 year old in a 'relationship' with an adult is always being abused.

In the later teens, not always. I speak from experience. At 15 I was in a 'relationship' with a man aged 22, I believed I was in an equal 'adult relationship' I wasn't I was groomed into losing my virginity to him, he encouraged me to watch porn and copy the things in it. Being a child I knew no better and with him did a lot of degrading things that I bitterly regret. When I was just turned 17 he dumped me for one of my slightly younger friends.

However, at 17 (still technically a child) I entered a relationship with a man aged 26, this relationship has been entirely on my terms from day one. Even at 17, I knew what an abusive relationship looked like and I wasn't getting in to another one. We have been married 14 years next month and things are still on my terms.

??

Why am I beong shown op twice, at both start and end of thread

All the times are screwed up amd I'm only seeing my latest post when I post another

I think youre right, but I think if she doesnt feel she was abused, then maybe thats really important for her to keep that thought,and its a can of worms that you have no business delving into.
You wanted to feel vindicated 12 years on, but obviously youre coming from totally different places.