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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my son see his father this weekend

38 replies

FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 19:21

I am a long time MNer but have changed my name in case I am identified.

Anyhow, my son was due to go and see my ex-husband this weekend. Today, after two ignored texts, I text to see if it was still on and got a positive reply. All good I thought. He then went on to say, could I send him down in some jeans as they were going out for a nice meal. I said that was I possible as my DS hates jeans and lives in track is bottoms and shorts. I said he was welcome to buy some and try himself thought. But no, he was insistent that I buy and supply them. A bit rich from the man who has given me £70 in maintenance over the last two years.

Anyway, he then went on to say that our son looked like a chav reject and had turned up last time in too small clothes that were dirty (funny that seeing as they were straight out of the tumble drier). He hasn't even called our son to ask how secondary school has gone. He lives with several school age children (his partner's) so no excuse that he has forgotten.

So what do you recon MNers, AIBU? I just don't think he likes his son very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 19:22

Sorry about the spelling mistakes, hope it makes sense. Didn't check it before posting!!

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 09/09/2014 19:25

Tell him you are saving up the 67p a week he has been giving you toward your son's upkeep and will rush straight out and buy him new jeans when you hit £30.

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 09/09/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

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DoJo · 09/09/2014 19:27

Does your son want to see his dad? Does your ex voice these thoughts in front of him or to him? All these issues are surmountable if you want them to be, but none of them are really worth putting your son through the mill if he won't have a good time with his dad.
I totally get that his demands are unreasonable by the way, and failing to pay maintenance is shitty of him, but your son's feelings should be the only ones you are considering as a priority, not your ex's or yours (unfortunately as you sound like a lovely mum and he sounds like a twat!).

PenisesAreNotPink · 09/09/2014 19:27

I would just text back 'son chooses his own clothes. And when can I expect the thousands in maintenance you owe me deadbeat?'

Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 19:33

There were just so many things wrong with the texts that I was flabbergasted. This is the lowest he has ever sunk, he can call me what he wants but calling my son names is just dreadful. I have been though the CSA but even they can't get it right. They are supposed to get £5 per week from his benefit and I should get £10 per fortnight. Since this started 8 weeks ago, I have had under £15 as it has been done wrong. Before that, nothing, so I don't know what he was living on.

Luckily, my son has never heard him calling him those names. He reserves name calling of any type for me and my mum. My son says he wants to go down but he never seems to have a good time.

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 09/09/2014 19:36

Penises has covered it. He sounds like an utter cock.

Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 19:53

Lol at Penises, would probably start WWW3 though Grin

OP posts:
MrsWinnibago · 09/09/2014 19:57

Send him in a pair of pantaloons. Your ex is a cock. I would not blame you if you decided not to send him at all....but if he wants to go just send him in what's available.x

poolomoomon · 09/09/2014 20:11

Grin at pantaloons, can't stop giggling.

Gathering your DS is a teen? Sorry if you mentioned age, just going on the fact he's secondary school age so he's definitely of an age regardless where he decides what the hell he wears. Any pushing from you will only push him more and more towards what he wants to wear. My mother wasn't exactly thrilled when I dyed my hair bright green and wore stripy tights and Christ knows what other fashion mistakes BUT that's kind of the fun with adolescents.

Your exh is a dick. That's really all there is to it. Doesn't provide you with the money you need and damn right deserve then expects you to buy things that suit HIM and also expects you to force your DS into something he absolutely doesn't want to do and I gather YOU will be dealing with the fall out from that, not him. He's just a nob jockey. As others have quite rightly said, tell him if you got the money you were owed maybe you could afford the jeans but seen as you don't he can buy the damn jeans and try and get DS to wear them otherwise it's a no.

Personally I'd tell DS what has happened (not the RUDE comments about dirtyness and not fitting correctly). Just say "DS, your dad wants you to go to x place but only if you'll wear jeans." See what he says.

Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 20:37

DS is 11.5 and is definitely of the age where he can pick his own stuff. Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing him in a pair of jeans from time to time but he doesn't like them and I respect that. I expect in a few years when he wants to impress the girls he will be wanting me to buy nice stuff so I may as well save my money now Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 09/09/2014 20:37

Oh and yes GrinGrinGrin at pantaloons!! Velvet ones would be fab!!

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 09/09/2014 22:36

Your exh may be a prat and a tightwad, but your son should have at least one outfit that is tidy enough for a trip out somewhere nice, surely, and is old enough to understand that if he's going out for a meal with his dad and stepsiblings the trackies and shorts are not an option?

'Could you please send him in something tidy because we're going to a restaurant' seems like a reasonable request to me, although obviously the way he expressed it is crappy.

Original poster
FumingNeedToVent · 10/09/2014 05:32

I get what you are saying MissMayhem and believe me, I would like to see him in some smart jeans. What ex-h doesn't realise is that trying to get DS into jeans is near impossible. He isn't a toddler and I can't put him in whatever I like unfortunately.

OP posts:
musicalendorphins2 · 10/09/2014 06:34

Sounds like you do the best you can, with little help from him. I do agree children (school age) ideally do need trousers as well as play clothes. Jeans are not the only choices out there, there are khaki's and other choices, like rugby and cargo pants, but whatever the fabric, he ought to have at least one pair of trousers that are not trackies. Not that I can blame your son, they are very comfy! Would he have school uniform trousers that he could wear? Or is there a second hand shop in the area you could shop at? Since you don't want to spend money on clothing you know he probably won't get much use out of.
Meanwhile, back to your dilemma, you can't get trousers out of thin air, so if his dad wants him in something else, he knows where the shops are.

Charley50 · 10/09/2014 06:38

Suggest to ex to take him shopping. Tight cunt (been through this with my ex!) My son loves tracksuit bottoms too. He's been shorts all summer so it's been fine but I bought him some jeans for autumn (elasticated waist for comfort!!) He
doesn't like them. I can't bear the thought of him wearing tracksuit bottoms all winter though. Apparently Zara do trousers in sweatshirt fabric. Sorry I'm rambling gotta get up for work.

NynaevesSister · 10/09/2014 06:51

My step son would never wear jeans either and my son is the same. Neither of them liked the material. Both mostly wore trackies but also chinos and similar. The eldest preferred cargo trousers. The youngest prefers skater style trousers. They are a lighter material without so many bulky pockets and they have seams at the knees that mean they're not as restrictive. Take him out or sit him down with the stire's web pages already open, and get him to point out the trousers he likes. I found that as long as they chose them I had a fairly good chance of them putting them on.

diddl · 10/09/2014 06:58

I agree that having nothing other than trackies seems unusual.

But I don't see why it's up to OP to buy them on this occasion.

I'm sure the time will come soon enough when she has to!

JulietBravoJuliet · 10/09/2014 08:02

I have had an almost identical conversation with my ex recently, the man who gave me £20 towards ds's entire new school uniform, shoes, trainers etc. I said no because he had no jeans that fit, to which I got "why don't u buy him some then?" I just replied with "Please refer to your own response" and sent ds with jogging bottoms as usual.

I have since bought him more jeans, but hell will freeze over before I send him in them at weekend!

Mrsjayy · 10/09/2014 08:49

He basically called his son a dirty chav tell him to stick his jeans suggestion up his arse . Send your son in his usual clothes I feel for you and your boy op what a horrible man his father is. Does your son want to go

Preciousbane · 10/09/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HavanaSlife · 10/09/2014 09:00

Ds1 had a couple of years wearning nothing but jogging bottoms, then it was £80 jeans!

Like you say you cant force him into a pair and if you are happy with him wearing joggers fine. If his dad isnt thats his problem and he should buy something else!

Littlef00t · 10/09/2014 09:17

Could you send him in joggers but pack school trousers? Then if XH insists he can be the bad guy who forces son into posh clothes?

Only risk you won't get them back?

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 10/09/2014 09:29

I think that everyone is commenting on the wrong issue here. The OP doesn't really care that her son will only wear trackies, it's that the ex thinks he can dictate to her about it. I agree with you OP, it's completely not your problem. Send him in what he usually goes with, it is not your place to force your DS into something he doesn't want to wear for exes benefit- save that argument for when you want him to wear them!If DS wants to go, let him, tell him his dad wants him to wear something smart for this meal and if he wants to pick something to take out of his wardrobe, that's his choice.

As an aside, Zara do do softer trousers, as others have mentioned above. Not for this occasion, but if you want to try! The ones I'm thinking of aren't on the website at the minute, but they are normal cotton jogger material, but look like smart trousers, in a dark grey colour.

Flexibilityisquay · 10/09/2014 09:34

I think you would be unreasonable not to send him, as it sounds like the issue is between you and your exH, rather than your DS and his Dad. The ex sounds like a complete arse though! I would definitely not be going out buying any jeans, I think I would just ignore that and send DS in whatever he would go in normally.

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