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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: no bday party?

31 replies

startrek90 · 09/09/2014 18:48

Its my birthday on Thursday and my MiL today and both SiL tomorrow (a ig week) as a result we will be going to my IL for a massive party tomorrow to celebrate both SiL and MiL bdays (MiL is working today). I don'T mind going and in fact am looking forward to seeing everyone and am making food for the party to ease the strain of hosting on my MiL (she asked).

Yesterday we got a phone call asking when the party for me is/what the arrangements were. I don't want a party or dinner. I am 8 months pregnant and simply cannot deal with the faff of gutting my flat and preparing snacks and hosting the whole of my DH family (including cousins and 2nd cousins) and then having to entertain lots of small children in a tiny little flat. My DH bday we had 2 bday parties (one for family and one for friends) and I ended up doing everything. I am tired and tbh can't be bothered doing it. Also I am on restricted duties anyway because of health problems...

Cue FiL and MiL getting upset that I don't want to spend the day with family. Just been told by DH (who in fairness tried to explain that I was too exhausted etc...) that they have organised ANOTHER IL family get together as 'I don't do my birthdays properly'. Its really sweet and I know I should be grateful but tbh I feel awkward and beholden enough already (long story). I just feel that they have overstepped and should have respected my wish not to make a fuss. My DH thinks I am odd not to do a big celebration every year but its just not my thing.

AIBU? should I just let them do what they want? I just wanted to have a cheeky curry and watch films :(

I should mention that on Sunday we are having ANOTHER big celebration of my youngest SiL as she is 8 and its a rite of passage in my DH culture. I feel awkward as I feel the attention should be on her this weekend. I am just too tired to do loads of parties. Just need someone to give me a kick up the bum.

OP posts:
Original poster
startrek90 · 09/09/2014 18:49

woops long post sorry!

OP posts:
ThursdayLast · 09/09/2014 18:54

Of course YANBU
in your position I would go and enjoy tomorrow's party, then order a curry and watch films on my own birthday.
As for the weekend? Well you're 8mo pg. So see how you feel.

Yama · 09/09/2014 18:54

YANBU

I haven't had a birthday party since I was 21 (am 38).

If you have health issues and are 8 months pregnant then why on earth are you doing food for MIL's party?

You need to learn how to say no. Your dh needs to learn to respect your wishes.

Start as you mean to go on.

pilates · 09/09/2014 19:06

YANBU
That is how they like to enjoy their birthdays and you should be allowed the same luxury to spend it how you wish. No-one is right or wrong, just personal preference.
Happy birthday for Thursday.

FranksWife · 09/09/2014 19:07

Why can't you have your birthday at the same time as MIL and SIL? We always group our birthdays which can be weeks apart. We just relight the candles on the same cake, sometimes 2 or 3 times.

Or you can enjoy your bday the way you want with a curry and a film - which is what I would prefer.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/09/2014 19:10

They are so overbearing! Why can't the family do be for all occasions that fortnight?

Original poster
startrek90 · 09/09/2014 19:19

Frankswife I think because they want to make it special. Having two daughters bdays on the same day (albeit yrs apart) means they try to make each person valued as it all close together? I don't really understand as my mum and I have bdays within 5 days (she is just b4 MiL) and we just get on with it. Though admittedly she spent this year on her own watching her new dvds and eating chinese and she LOVED it. (my idea of heaven too!)

Yama I got asked months ago as I make certain dishes my MiL and SiL really like and each opf them asked me sperately if instead of a present I could make a particular thing. I would rather do something they like7 appreciate than get something they don'T want. After all it is their bday.

I just don't want to have to do another load of cooking fot this new party on Saturday, especially as me and DH as supposed to be sorting out Sunday for SiL. (My DH is playing a big rold as SiL request)

I feel really ungrateful and it just makes me feel even more beholden to them. I hate it. They are so lovely all the time but its just these sorts of things that make me feel really awkward.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 09/09/2014 19:20

I would do your celebration with theirs.

I don't think YABU for not wanting a separate celebration, but I think I would feel duty bound to attend if they had organised it. But, who are they inviting? Just members of the in laws' family, or your family and your friends?

Original poster
startrek90 · 09/09/2014 19:21

any ideas what I should do in the future? or any excuses to get out of Saturday?

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 09/09/2014 19:24

Tell them it's very sweet and kind of them but all you really want to do is put your feet up and have a curry so you won't be hosting a bday or attending any that hey plan to hold for you. Repeat as many times as you need to.

Spadequeen · 09/09/2014 19:25

Also seeing as your 8 months pregnant you can legitimately go all hormonal on them, big tears and tantrums Grin

Original poster
startrek90 · 09/09/2014 19:37

Spadequeen hahahaha good idea I don'T know if it would wash with DH though.... he ignores and carries on when I get hormonal.

Leeds2 I live abroad so I have no family iot all DH family and friends (some I don't even know!) My langu8age skills are still not great yet so chances are I will be in the kizchen and serving food for everyone as usual. TBH if I were in the UK I probably would have a nice quiet day with myself and DH and not see my family ( we are not ones for bday parties)

My DH just said I am extremly odd to not want a party and that its not normal. :(

OP posts:
frazmum · 09/09/2014 19:39

It's lovely they want to spoil you - but I agree and think your idea of putting your feet up for a quiet days sounds fab.

Could DH perhaps suggest a compromise, maybe one of them could organise a birthday cake for you?

diddl · 09/09/2014 19:48

You don't want to spend a day with family?

WTF do they think that tomorrow is then?

Of course you are normal.

I like a meal out with my family-that's me, husband & 2 kids.

I haven't had a bday party since I was a kid!

Your husband doesn't sound very nice.
Does he not understand that not everyone does things the same?

How about the bday person does what they want for their own bday?

Or is that a bit too radical for him??!!

diddl · 09/09/2014 19:50

It's not spoiling OP though.

It's trying to force her to do what they want.

Don't be bullied into it!

FranksWife · 09/09/2014 20:09

Well if you 'don't do birthdays properly', great - let them organise it.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 09/09/2014 20:18

And next year there will be another birthday to celebrate :)

OP You're tired, hormonal and need to put your feet up. You could make the point by NOT going and spending the day in bed. Think I would.

Then your absence would be questioned and maybe, they would take on board how tired you're feeling.

To say you're exhausted and then bring food for every celebration makes you look silly. Like you don't know your own mind.

diddl · 09/09/2014 20:44

"Well if you 'don't do birthdays properly', great - let them organise it."

How does that work though when OP doesn't want a party for her bday?

Original poster
startrek90 · 09/09/2014 20:56

Squirrel I feel v.guilty if I don't- my MiL and SiL asked for specific cakes/treats instead of presents so I would be v.mean to agree then just buy something.

I already feel beholden to them as they do so much for me ( a lot more of which DH doesn't tell me about as last time I was very upset). I don't like it when they buy things for us and I even feel guilty if my MiL cooks for me. I come froma dysfunctional family and so am not very used to positive attention.

If I object to anything because I am uncomfortable I am told I am just being silly and unreasonable. I feel it too. I just hate feeling beholden to people- especially family members.

DH is really really close to his family and just tells me to get over myself. Right now he just laughed and told me to get over my annoyance over Saturday. grrr :(

I think I just need to vent.

OP posts:
kormasutra · 09/09/2014 21:02

Have you had/are you having a baby shower?
If not then you could combine the two and it will feel less like a birthday party:)

PersonOfInterest · 09/09/2014 21:07

I'd like the party! But I'm not you and YANBU to not want it. Can't stand people forcing what they want onto other people. Don't they see it defeats the whole object?!

ftmsoon · 09/09/2014 21:07

I haven't had a party since my 12th birthday. My last birthday, when I was 3 months pregnant, we had a take away pizza and cuddled on the sofa. If you don't want hoopla, put your foot down now or you will be having this fight for ever more, times several over the kid's birthdays.

SquirrelWearingATrilby · 09/09/2014 21:15

startrek90

They want to include you. You don't like (your birthday) parties. They celebrate them. They like your foodie treats; you like cooking them?

Can you talk to your SIL and/or MIL to explain how you feel? That THIS year you're over-tired and need to rest, and will happily let your birthday slide? Next year you'll have baby's First Birthday to plan too, so you can let it slide then, too if you feel like!

So many people don't get on with their inlaws. I loved my MIL, she's not with us any more but she understood me. Worth a try so they understand where you're coming from.

diddl · 09/09/2014 21:29

But if the ILs want to celebrate their own bdays & include OP, why isn't that enough for them?

They celebrate their bdays their way & OP joins in & contributes.

Chances are her own child's bday will be celebrated the ILs way.

Why can't she have her own bday her own way?

Spadequeen · 10/09/2014 08:18

You need to explain to your husband again (without going hormonal then!) that you understand that he and his family enjoy parties but you do not want one for your birthday this year, especially as there are other parties close to your birthday and your heavily pregnant. This make you different to him and his family, not odd.

If you let this carry on, it will get worse as you will then become very resentful, maybe really blow up one year and say things that aren't really meant, as you said, in general you get on very well with your il.

Please say something now or don't go.