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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit miffed at my friend

47 replies

cavkc · 09/09/2014 16:07

My best friend and I met through taking our kids to school about 15 years ago. We had a similar standard of living and enjoyed eating out together, paying 50/50.

Around 6 years ago df had a very acrimonious split with her DH and subsequently moved to a smaller home with a reduced income. Although her DH paid all of her rent, private school fees and enough maintenance so that df wouldn't have to work.

She always complained about how hard she was finding it financially and when I could I paid for our lunches out (she always waited for me to get my purse out). I also made sure that her and her ds had nice birthday and Christmas presents (I never even got a card)

About 2 years ago she met a lovely man who she has now married and we now have roughly the same lifestyle.

However when we go out for lunch she still lets me pay, again not even offering.

What's really made me a bit miffed is that it was my 40th birthday recently and she came to the party but didn't even get me a card! It's not the money that hurts more the lack of thought. She also didn't get my son a 18th birthday card when I'd given her ds a £50 iTunes voucher for his.

DH thinks she is taking the piss .... Thoughts?

OP posts:
HowLongTillBedtime · 09/09/2014 16:09

Sounds like your Dh is right .

I hope she has other qualities?

YouTheCat · 09/09/2014 16:10

She is taking the piss.

Fudgeface123 · 09/09/2014 16:10

I agree - she sounds like a user

EatShitDerek · 09/09/2014 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper · 09/09/2014 16:11

Cheeky cow

sillystring · 09/09/2014 16:13

If you're daft enough to let her treat you like this, it's difficult to be sympathetic. Just stop, it's as simple as that.

WorraLiberty · 09/09/2014 16:16

I don't get friends who are close enough to do this, yet not close enough to speak to each other about it.

Next time you go for lunch, tell her beforehand it's her turn to pay or at least go halves.

picnicbasketcase · 09/09/2014 16:18

Yep, let her suggest going for lunch and say 'I'd love to, it's your turn to pay.' Her reaction should be a clue to how much she's bothered about remaining friends.

Original poster
cavkc · 09/09/2014 16:19

She is actually very good company and we always have a laugh but that said she can be extremely volatile, although never with me, which is probably why I haven't said anything.

I'm not looking for sympathy and I know I should have nipped it in the bud ages ago (it's around a year since she moved in with her now DH) but to be honest I didn't really notice at first.

Really silly but it's the not getting a card for my birthday which has mad me cross and has made me reevaluate the last 12 months

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 09/09/2014 16:26

Stop giving her gifts and next time she suggests going anywhere, tell her you are going halves.

poolomoomon · 09/09/2014 16:28

Your DH is right. Next time you meet up and it's time to pay wait until she gets her purse out as she does to you. She'll inevitably sit there expecting you to pay up and you just say "oh, I thought it was your turn because I paid the past few times." See what happens.

It's fair enough helping a friend in genuine need out but it doesn't sound like she ever has been in need, she's just taken you for a ride.

iK8 · 09/09/2014 16:32

Don't get your purse out and don't give her or her children gifts.

She is taking the mick but you're letting her. Stop letting her and just enjoy her company. She'll either cough up or not and then you know where you stand.

OnlyLovers · 09/09/2014 16:33

I totally understand how not getting a 40th card could tip you over the edge!

She's been using you. Make it clear next time you go out that you're paying your own share, or going halves. How she responds will tell you all you need to know.

HowLongTillBedtime · 09/09/2014 16:34

I would be really hurt as well . But if you are best friends can you not just speak to her ?
I know it can be easier said than done but I do think if you cant speak to her honestly about this then she isn't your best friend .

amyhamster · 09/09/2014 16:34

I think she sounds thoughtless & selfish not to give you a 40th present
She just doesn't sound very nice really

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2014 16:35

Why do you always pay now though?

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 09/09/2014 16:41

I think it is time you spoke to her.
Say if she no longer wishes to exchange gifts then you are happy to agree to do the same. No more presents for her child either. Not even getting you a card for your 40th is mean and thoughtless on her part, and YANBU to be hurt by that.
Make it clear it is her turn to pay the bill when you next meet up, say you can choose where we go as its your turn to pay this time.
You need to stand up for yourself, she is taking advantage of your good nature.

whois · 09/09/2014 16:41

How do people get into these situations?

Just say "are you ok to pay today since I've got the last few?"

If she makes a fuss you know she is a user and you're well rid.

Zucker · 09/09/2014 16:43

Little princess on your hands there OP. You've fallen into the role as one of her providers. Your DH is right she's taking the piss.

MrsRuffdiamond · 09/09/2014 16:43

Next time you go for a meal, get your purse out, put the money for your meal on the table and just say, disingenuously "Are you happy to go halves?" I doubt she'll have the nerve to do anything other than stump up for her meal surely?

russiandwarf · 09/09/2014 16:48

I agree with everyone else. She's totally taking the piss. Personally I am crap at confronting people - if you ever decide to go for lunch with her again(!) take enough cash just for yourself and put it on the table then tell her you're off to the loo, there's your half if the waitress comes over Smile

Original poster
cavkc · 09/09/2014 16:52

I'm certainly not going to let it continue

We are due to have lunch next week and I won't be paying (not even my half) !

It's not even about the money it's the principal!

Might suggest we go to her favourite restaurant, which isn't exactly cheap.

I just thought she was so used to me paying she just didn't think anything of it ... But it won't be continuing

I could suggest that we have a bit of a cash flow problem and see what she does but I guess that seems a bit childish

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 09/09/2014 16:55

I wouldn't go to the meal next week without having sorted it out beforehand.

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 16:56

Yes she is taking the piss. I am amazed that you let it continue for so long. Confused. It's like you are paying her for her 'good' company. Why don't you see how good a friend she really is and ask her to pay next time. When she next asks you for lunch simply say 'that would be great, could you pay this time' It will be interesting for you to see how she reacts.

Let me guess - does she order the cheapest thing on the menu or is she happy to spend your money freely?

I would not be able to be friends with someone like her. Even my friends who are really skint don't behave like that.

Do you have other relationships like this or is she the only one that takes advantage of you?

OnlyLovers · 09/09/2014 16:57

I wouldn't make up anything about cash flow problems. You don't need to. It's her turn to pay, and then some.

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