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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit miffed at my friend

47 replies

cavkc · 09/09/2014 16:07

My best friend and I met through taking our kids to school about 15 years ago. We had a similar standard of living and enjoyed eating out together, paying 50/50.

Around 6 years ago df had a very acrimonious split with her DH and subsequently moved to a smaller home with a reduced income. Although her DH paid all of her rent, private school fees and enough maintenance so that df wouldn't have to work.

She always complained about how hard she was finding it financially and when I could I paid for our lunches out (she always waited for me to get my purse out). I also made sure that her and her ds had nice birthday and Christmas presents (I never even got a card)

About 2 years ago she met a lovely man who she has now married and we now have roughly the same lifestyle.

However when we go out for lunch she still lets me pay, again not even offering.

What's really made me a bit miffed is that it was my 40th birthday recently and she came to the party but didn't even get me a card! It's not the money that hurts more the lack of thought. She also didn't get my son a 18th birthday card when I'd given her ds a Â£50 iTunes voucher for his.

DH thinks she is taking the piss .... Thoughts?

OP posts:

sillystring · 09/09/2014 17:02

Agree with rollonthesummer. I wouldn't go without having sorted out beforehand either, chances are she'll say she has no money/card on her and you'll end up paying anyway.

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 17:05

Don't say you have a cash flow problem. It's not true and all you need to say is that you would like her to pay. Don't apologise either. I bet she never has.

If you are nervous just send her a text beforehand saying something like
Looking forward to meeting up. BTW, can you pay this time, I think it's your turn

Then order champagne and lobster

iK8 · 09/09/2014 17:20

I don't think you can rock up and then expect her to pay the whole lot. Half, yes. All of it without a conversation first? No, that would make you as unreasonable as her.

The point is normal, respectful people know you don't assume someone else will bank roll you or put someone in an uncomfortable position where they feel they have to pay for you - so don't do it to her please.

Original poster

cavkc · 09/09/2014 17:29

I know she has been taking the mickey but in all other aspects she is a very good friend. She's very generous with her time, last year I had a phone call when I was with her telling me that my ds had died suddenly. Df insisted on driving me the 100 miles (in her car)as she was concerned me driving that distance when I was upset.

Also 8 years ago I had a horrendous accident leaving me in wheelchair for over a year. She never missed a week coming to see me, taking me out whenever I felt up to it.

I'm not trying to justify her behaviour it's just that it actually seems out if character.

OP posts:

miceinthemouseorgan · 09/09/2014 17:32

I don't understand people like this. This has just reminded me, I have a friend who earns about the same amount as me and whose boyfriend is absolutely rolling in it, they've just bought a £1m flat. For her 40th I took her to a nice restaurant (just the two of us as she was away for her actual birthday) and bought her a bracelet, cost me about £150 altogether. My 40th six months later, and she turned up to my birthday lunch with a cheap nasty card that she'd clearly bought from a garage, didn't even buy me a drink. We went out for dinner a few weeks later just the two of us and I thought 'oh perhaps she'll offer to pay'. Nope, 50/50.

And just remembered for her 39th I bought her a bloody cake and a Diptyque candle and never got anything in return for mine!

You need to make a stand! And perhaps I do too.....grr I'm annoyed now.

Some people are just takers :(

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 17:43

If she has been doing this for such a long time it's not out of character is it?

Letting someone else pay all the time and coming to birthday parties without cards or presents are not things which happen by accident. She knows what she is doing.

stargirl04 · 09/09/2014 17:51

I would be deeply suspicious of this "friend".

If you and your OH are well off, she may think it's to her advantage to remain friends with you, not least because there's a free dinner in it for her every so often ... Dinners, nice presents for her and her kids... what else is in it for her? Maybe more? I may be wrong, but who knows?

I'm also with sillystring and rollonthesummer - don't just show up without having sorted out who is going to pay beforehand, as she will have "forgotten" her purse/cards and, as the PPs say, you will end up paying anyway.

BackInTheGame · 09/09/2014 18:04

If this really is out of character and she's lovely in other ways, then maybe the best way to deal with it would be to have a chat with her?

If you decide to keep an open mind when you speak to her about it and just state the facts (ie 'I always seem to pay and that doesn't seem fair to me, could you perhaps get the next one and then we can split the bill from then on?') rather than being accusatory (ie 'you're clearly a user and taking me for a ride so you better pay next time) then surely if she's a good friend she will either explain what's been going on in her life to have made this happen, or be mortified, apologise and pay from now on?

If she's a really good friend you should be able to have the conversation without it getting acrimonious, as long as you just point out the facts rather than assuming and accusing her of things.

DoJo · 09/09/2014 18:11

I agree with BackInTheGame - could you approach it from the perspective of concern over her that she seems to still be struggling financially when you had assumed that everything was ok? That way you aren't going to feel like a meanie if she says that, actually, she has a gambling addiction/husband has bad debts/simply isn't able to manage her finances and you will also be in a position to offer some more practical help if appropriate.

iK8 · 09/09/2014 18:13

She may have persuaded herself you like doing it!

Oh cavkc is so kind, she's always taking me out for lunch and treating me.

Never occurs to her that actually the reasons why you do it don't exist any more...

You should nicely say when you arrive for lunch "we are going halves for this aren't we? Riiiight, I fancy the salmon". Job done. There's nothing she can say without looking like a cheeky cow.

FranksWife · 09/09/2014 19:30

......hold on a minute, if her DH paid all of her rent, private school fees and enough maintenance so that she wouldn't have to work surely she had enough money to pay for a meal? Or get a job?

Toecheese · 09/09/2014 20:09

I think she's got used to being looked after all the time - be it by you, her ex, her new DH or others. I have a friend who is the same

Original poster

cavkc · 09/09/2014 20:14

I know she wasn't exactly on the breadline but she was going through one of most acrimonious divorces I have ever seen, so I think I started it more to cheer her up than anything

Her ex is absolutely vile, he said to their 10 year old son 'your mothers a vile cunt and I hope she fucking dies tomorrow' .. Excuse the language!

OP posts:

Cheeky76890 · 09/09/2014 20:17

She's a taker (financially) and just expects everyone to pay her way. You could be anyone - DH, ex, other randoms

Hassled · 09/09/2014 20:21

I don't know - I don't think she's necessarily a piss-taking cow (the generosity with her time and obviously caring side discount that), I think she's just very, very tight with money. Some people just are - it's almost an obsession with them, even where it's not financially necessary.

But you need to call her on it - just say next time "your turn to pay, surely?" and see what happens.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/09/2014 20:25

Deffo taking the piss. She's got used to you paying and expects it. It's a bit freeloading.

WeirdCatLady · 09/09/2014 20:26

I'd be more upset about the lack of bday card. Have you said to her that you were upset that she didn't bother?

Original poster

cavkc · 09/09/2014 20:28

I know it's a silly bit of cardboard that I'm more bothered about!

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 09/09/2014 20:32

Do you feel able to talk to her about it? Explain that you didn't mind helping out for by paying for things when she was struggling but now you both have a similar lifestyle you would like to go back to the equal 50-50 arrangement. Or when you make plans to meet up you could say casually 'can you pay this time?' Give her advanced notice or she probably won't bother bringing money with her! If she then doesn't want to meet up that tells you all you need to know.

Topaz25 · 09/09/2014 20:32

Also I wouldn't buy her son such expensive presents if it's not reciprocated. £50 is a lot.

Azquilith · 09/09/2014 20:37

Watching with interest. I have a similar friend. Don't see her any more as bored of paying for everything.

RedRoom · 09/09/2014 21:23

I would t even ask her about going halves. Just take plenty of change so you can put down exactly half and not a penny more. She'll have to work out how to pay the other half without the use of your magical never ending purse.

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