to not know how to play with my kids

[SoddingCupcakes]

I'm feeling quite emotional (so God knows why I came to AIBU!)

DH send me his usual daily email from work, asking how my day was going. I sent this one back:

"I feel very weepy today.

When you left to take DD1 (4 years) to school, I had four hours in which to entertain DS (2 years). He was very clingy and wanted constant attention. We played with the duplo, then the fuzzy felt, then decorated biscuits, but nothing seemed to entertain him for long and he would just sit on my lap handing me stuff. I ended up feeling guilty, which I think has put me on a downer. I'm running out of ideas to entertain the babies :,( It makes me feel really shit at this role and I'm crying as I type this. I don't want to feel out of my depth when I try to play with them. But it just doesn't come naturally to me. I can do it in small doses and am quite creative, but not for hours on end. My brain just stagnates and I end up feeling depressed."

So, my Q to you lot is: AIBU to feel this way? Did I make a mistake having kids?

I've been a SAHM for 4 years and am finally returning to work in a couple of weeks. I'd love to say I've enjoyed SAHMhood but I have just felt bored, frustrated and disappointed with myself.

Nothing really to say but

I remember being totally stumped when it came to entertaining my baby - I had no idea 3 week old babies were so demanding; I'd fallen for the entertained-by-the-washing-machine nonsense! As time went on I focussed on things that took time - definitely a longish walk every day to the park, plus shopping and so forth.

If I had my time again I'd be MUCH better at it, and much more creative about getting the kids to join in what I needed to do.

Roll on grandparenthood.

"We played with the duplo, then the fuzzy felt, then decorated biscuits"

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK WOMAN! That was a good morning. 2yos have the attention span of a gnat, that is not your fault. THe only way to stay sane is to cultivate borderline unhealthy obsessions that they can play with for ages to give yourself a break, or go out A LOT or CBeebies. Your DS had 1-1 mummy time, of course he wanted constant attention because he LOVES YOU, and LOVES PLAYING WITH YOU.

You're doing great. Honest.

You've done loads!

I think maybe you should do entertainment the other way around. So don't entertain him and fit yourself in, entertain yourself and work out how to fit the children in

What hobbies/ sports / activities do you like?

If you are making dinner for that eve, pop 2 year old on chair and he can smell ingredients/ help chop/ pass things/ mix etc

If you want to go somewhere find out what's on route/ there that 2 year old can enjoy also

Take him swimming, for run ( in pram), to museums or shows you like, to shops, make things at home you like and incorporate him. Can he help you garden? Take a long bubble bath with him, you can read magazine and he can play.

Remember you don't have to 'play' with them 24/7, they just like being with you. So it's fine to just take them with you, let them help do things you like, with just 30 mins here and there of their stuff

I tried to do something out of the house at least once a day - one day was rhyme time in the morning, another day swimming, another day a toddler group, another was a sure start toddler morning and sometimes the sensory play place supplied by sure start and this was interspersed with meeting my friends for coffee or to go out with friends and there children so take them for a big walk at local castles or national trust places (they were all 25 miles away as we lived between my previous place of work/home town and dfiance's work so this usually entailed a whole afternoon) and trips to the park. We also have a zoo membership so some days I took him to the zoo alone or with friends /family.

It is hard to provide endless activities IMO at that age as you say each is for a limited amount of time and 20 mins messy play was a mare to spend 20 mins clearing up.

Not enjoying toddler play does not make you a bad parent at all - and just sitting with them and playing with toys or reading books is as stimulating for them as big activities IMO.

Gosh, I wasn't expecting this response. Thanks everyone.

I feel so inadequate as an entertainer/stimulator. I'm more achievement-orientated and get on much better with adults.

What do 'good' SAHMs do all day, every day?

I second ALess - all that stuff sounds absolutely amazing, your DS is one very lucky little boy.

How about you park him outside this afternoon (do you have some space outside?) Give him a bowl of water with some bubbles in, a few toys and old clothes you don't mind changing.

Get a book and a cuppa and ignore 'watch' him play while you read and have some time just for you. I think you need to try training him to play independently for 20 min stretches on his own. Toddler group in Jan?

Of and a trip to the supermarket is an activity for a 2 year old - they love it and it is part of learning how to live in our society - ds has favourite cashiers at the local shops - he is part of his community too.

Thanks Artandco. Those are some good ideas. I think a big problem for me is that unless I'm actually interacting with him, I feel as though I am ignoring him and that feels sad.

Whenever I am 'doing my own thing' (MN for example), I feel very guilty and shitty that I'm basically ignoring him. KWIM?

I reckon good sahms do the same as you but they don't beat themselves up for it
You are doing fine. It is hard- I felt the same as you and sometimes still do, but not as much now I am working. Not everyone is suited to being a sahm!

You are completely not alone, I feel exactly the same way. My dd is 18m and if she didnt take a nap I would actually lose my mind!!! I've played with blocks, the sand tray and play kitchen this morning and all she wanted was to get things she isnt allowed.
it can be entirely soul destroying, but I think we need to cut ourselves some slack. It can also be fun. Im planning a trip out this afternoon, just a walk to our local shop, but it gets me out the house, she gets some fresh air and I dont have to look at the same four walls
artandco I love those ideas, thank you

Sodding, I know exactly what you mean. I feel crap because I need 5 mins. Thats ok though, you need 5 mins and it doesnt hurt him to have 5 mins learning to be a little independent too. Try not to beat yourself up. And you are a good sahm

I've said this before on here but for a two year old anything is a learning activity.

My ds's favourite pastime at that age was sitting watching the raindrops race down the windowpane. They are learning about the weather, science, patience, all sorts of stuff, as well as having a bit of important daydream time.

Don't feel guilty about not filling their day up with constant entertainment. They have to learn how to make their own.

I still maintain that nothing will hold the attention of a child for longer than several large boxes that they can crawl through/stack/draw all over.

it sounds a bit structured for a 2 year old if I'm honest - nothing wrong with them all individually but all very crafty and creative and a bit full on for that age I think. what about just being silly? dress up? role playing pirates or dinosaurs (or monkeys in my house at the mo). make a mess, make a fort out the furniture or a tent with an old clothes horse and some bedsheets, run about the house or garden like a loony for a bit - tires them out too. play hide and seek, play tig in the garden, have a waterfight if the weathers ok, just be stupid.

it can be entirely soul destroying

That's exactly how it feels for me. Hearing someone else say it is quite comforting.

I still maintain that nothing will hold the attention of a child for longer than several large boxes that they can crawl through/stack/draw all over.

Damn, so true!! Do supermarkets still give them out?

I agree with Artandco - do more of what you want to do and your DC can just join in

Are you me?!

I have DC of the same age, am going back to work in a couple of weeks and have spent the past few years of SAHM-dom feeling like I've not been living up to my own standards of how I 'should' be a Mum.

Tbh, my imminent return to work has made me feel both slightly more energetic and up for activities/playing, and less guilty if we have a lazy afternoon or two. I think working is going to suit me, and maybe it will help get things more in balance for you too?

I think you sound like you're doing a FAB job, but I agree with others you need to cut yourself some slack. The most important thing (as I'm trying to tell myself) is that your DC know they are safe and loved. They also need to learn to entertain themselves! Essential life skill. I'm learning to embrace a bit more 'benign neglect' and it feels good

Ditto what everyone else has said and also I think that playing by themselves sometimes is a really good thing for imagination and independence etc.

I actively beat myself up about this too. DD is 16mo and is very very into independent play. She rarely wants to interact with me other than to bring me a toy and much prefers to do her own think as she skulks around the house finding out what things do and how they work.

Initially I was all 'omg have I made her this way by ignoring her???' but virtually everyone reassured me saying that some kids are just like that and want to do their own thing.

I have noticed though that she's lucky if she plays with something for more than 20 seconds. DP is concerned it's due to her screen time (playing with my phone and having the TV on) but I'm pretty sure it's just what they're like at that age. He gets frustrated when she won't sit until the end of a book whereas I'm more pleased if she even sits though 5 pages or so!

It sounds like you're putting a heap of pressure on yourself, which is fine because we all do it. But I think it's very much a case of 'pick your battles' and this isn't one for you to pick. If he's happy, let him entertain himself however he wants. Even if that means letting him do his own thing. :)

I think working is going to suit me, and maybe it will help get things more in balance for you too?

Gosh, I hope so :) Are you also feeling a little scared about returning to work? How long have you been a SAHM?

I am a SAHM - veer between loving it and hating it! I gym most morning while the DC have an hr in the crèche - that's my time and they love playing with their friends. Then every morning we do an activity, baby gym, music group, play group or swimming. Home for lunch and older one plays or has a rest watching TV while younger one sleeps. When I've done my jobs I'll play something with him that isn't so easy with the little one around (playdoh etc). Then after the lunch nap we have a play date or go for a walk with the dog/do jobs in town before home for tea. I am not good at playing at all so we are out as much as possible!!

Don't feel like you have to play the role of 'entertainer'. Did your mum do it for you? I bet you had plenty of time to yourself to poke at worms with sticks, I know I did. My mum was too busy doing other jobs around the house!

Learning to use one's imagination is a great gift and the more you try and fill the boredom gaps with entertainment, the more they will come to expect it.

Oh OP, I nearly started this exact same thread earlier! I could have written it, inc the bits about feeling like you're ignoring them if you aren't directly playing with them. I have a real guilt complex generally, but feel so, so guilty if I disappear to clean up lunch or whatever. Generally because DD (14 months) screams at me to come back.

I'm also not v creative, and because DD doesn't like me going off and won't nap independently, it's virtually impossible to set up/clean up messy activities. I feel endlessly guilty when I see all the facebook smug posts about amazing sensory play people are doing, carefully constructing mini farms or freezing their kids' toys in coloured ice or whatever...I just don't have the time.

I also feel guilty as I'm back in work 3 days a week now, so feel like I should make the most of those days with her and fill them with good stuff.

Generally my solution is we just go out to groups or her friends' houses tho, as then the kids entertain each other. She definitely gets more out of playing with them than with me, and I don't feel guilty about not thinking up activities and can just drink a cup of tea in peace.

Are you doing ok for sleep? I only ask as mine is an awful sleeper, and I'm averaging maybe 3-4 hrs a night, with about 90 mins in a row. It's been like it for at least 2 months, and I know the sleep deprivation is a lot of what's making me a bit emotional and anxious. Neither of us are actually bad mums - you sound fantastic, and your little boy is very lucky.