AIBU to wonder why there are so many AIBU posts are against in-laws?

[DorisIsALittleBitPartial]

Every night there seems to be a couple of new AIBU posts against in-laws.

Surely when you marry you take on board your DH's family too, in the same way your DH takes on board yours?

I love my FIL to bits, but he can be a royal pain in the butt. I know without asking that my DF could be difficult but DH always took it with good grace and patience.

Maybe I'm being a bit sentimental, because DFIL is the only IL left on both sides and is in poor health but even before his health was bad I always tolerated him when he was being annoying. Maybe having lost DM when we met I knew that he wouldn't be around forever and wanted to make the most of happy times.

They are from a different generation to us, have lived to a different set of rules and all too often have more time on their hands then they know what to do with, and that can create mountains out of molehills. Shouldn't you just accept their ways because you respect DH and therefore his family? They formed the person he is, after all.

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for asking this... .

You can choose your friends, but not your family. By extension, this means in laws, too. Especially if you have kids - they become an integral part of your family and this is going to result in clashes sometimes as different personalities try and find a way of exerting themselves. Add a 'strong character' into the mix and it can be difficult.

Mine are really sound, although we had a few blips when the grandkids arrived and they realised we were going to do our own thing and didn't want to spend every family holiday with them.

I think it can be quite a strange relationship. You are thrown into a very close family situation with people whose eccentricities you haven't grown up with. They can often be quite a lot of possessiveness and jealousy on both sides. I think it's important to step back a bit from the daily annoyances and see that actually you both the same people (DH/W and then DCs) and that a bit of give and take on both sides can go a long way. I think I understood my MIL a lot better after having children myself and could cut her more slack. I taken her baby boy away after all and her life was never going to be quite the same again.

you both love the same people

Yes you are right in a way, but you do not have to put up with abusive and toxic behaviour either from either your parents or your IL. Some of the threads I have seen are where the op describes her IL as being really nasty and toxic.

Because it can be a very tricky relationship requiring humour, tolerance, tongue biting and empathy.

Qualities sadly lacking I. Lots of people.

Mine were ace.

In some ways I agree with you OP, I do think the assumption should be 'I'm going to get on with these people no matter what' but ultimately I'm with aeroflot - I often initially have a cats bum mouth when opening the thread but frequently I'm by the time I've read the original post.

I think I'm overall a fairly good DIL and I'm incredibly lucky in my PILs but it's not always easy. Apart from anything else DH uses me as a sounding board for all his frustrations about his family, which is partly because he is so close to them and needs them so much. Then it's not just the PILs, it's the extended family... the PIL's cousins, siblings, the partners of their nieces... it can get pretty overwhelming, and there's not even that many of them.

I must also say that my own DF is always liked initially by people who marry into the family, and they inform us that they don't know why we struggle so much with him, but give it five years and now none of them will have him in their houses. Some people are just genuinely appallingly difficult to be around and saying 'it's all about faaaaaaamily' doesn't always help.

Nasty and toxic is different to what I am asking about Aeroflot and I quite agree that there are situations that are immensely difficult and need airing. I'm thinking more of the posts where the behaviour is irritating and annoying where really you could just "suck it up" and accept that parents are still parents even though their DS is grown up. My parents were still my parents and DH accepted their role in my life, even after we married.
But Ghoul you have said what I was thinking actually - you are thrown into a whole new life with people that you haven't grown up with and behaviour traits that you are not used to. But so is DH surely?

My assumption was "I'm going to get along with these people no matter what".

My gran openly hated my mum (her dil) for marrying my dad. I was determined that I would not have the same relationship with my ils.

Roll on 14 years and having bent over backwards for ils, inviting them over, cooking for them (ie putting meals together that could just be re-heated to save them the hassle of shopping/cooking when they went through a particularly stressful time), doing their housework, trying to include them in planning our wedding (2009- they weren't interested), calling mil in addition to DH speaking to her on the phone just to try to get some sort of bond (she made it very clear that she only ever wanted to speak to DH), collecting and delivering shopping: frankly now I've had enough. They have been utterly vile to both DH and I, openly favour BIL and have no interest in us or our lives. Time to give up.

You can go into a relationship assuming the best, knowing how you would love that relationship to be, but it doesn't mean you'll get it. But that's the same with anyone - it isn't a situation that can only apply to ils.

There are often threads on here when someone says 'enough IL bashing, mine are lovely because...' But I think you only ask for advice when it's bad, so we tend to hear the bad stories more. It all makes me grateful for my ILs and how my DH gets on with my parents.

The only thread I've started that got more than a handful of replies was one about my MiL - even though I was clear that I actually get on fine with her, I just had a specific issue I didn't know how to handle.

The dynamic is just different with IL than pretty much any other one, isn't it?

This is a subject very close to my heart right now and I am saying my bit as I am genuinely interested to know how best to move forward and not to be attacked or shot down.

When I met DH I adored his mother, however since we got engaged it became evident she is incredibly controlling and demands everything her own way or she freezes you out. I have tried to tolerate many hurtful & insensitive things but I found her instance of talking about about DH's X all night at our prewedding dinner & there not being space for my sister & I to join the dinner table where her family sat almost too much. Their refusal to acknowledge my father's death was the last straw and now I want nothing to do with them.

This is obviously very hard on DH who has a right to see his family but we also have a baby on the way and I have no desire to see them.

My DH doesn't want to say anything to his mother and rock the boat. I suspect it's because she has frozen him out before and he doesn't want this to happen again, and yet he expects me to pretend as if everything's ok.

How do I move past this for my husband & baby's sake?

I thinkthe number of posts results from it being hard to avoid your in laws if there's an issue - friends can be dropped if you fall out, if there's a disagreement within your own family then your spouse is likely to follow your lead on how to deal with it ; if it's a problem with your in laws then your spouse will probably have a much stronger opinion about it, so that's another possible source of conflict.

Dh's MIL has potential to be problematic but my side of the family is used to dealing with her and DH is not afraid to set things straight. Had the roles been switched, it could be more of an issue, especially if he's a mummy's boy, and I felt obliged to be nice and tip toe around her, the conditions which breed the toxic elements of her behaviour to their optimum.

I could worry about her role as a grandmother, but she's reaping what she has sown with regards to my childhood and more importantly the way she has behaved in recent years.

The MIL /DIL relationship has the extra pressure because of the expected role of the DIL as a mother and a wife. Add in stereotypical emotionally underdeveloped men, and it's no wonder it's a common theme forcing AIBU. Then because there's a lot of experience in that field, those threads get a lot of response.

My MIL is great!

You wouldn't leave someone you loved dearly because their parents were arseholes though would you? They didn't get a choice in their family so it isn't their fault. Sometimes ILs turn into arseholes when DC are born too for whatever messed up reason so you got along until you 'sealed the deal' with DP/DH and had a baby and then suddenly they turn into the devils incarnate.

Mil does my head in. She's an extremely negative person. Every time she phones DH pretty much all she talks about is the five people she knows who have died lately, this person got beaten up, this thing got stolen, work is so shit because this has happened, BIL is being a little shit... she's like ten Jeremy Kyle shows in one with her tales. She's incredibly over dramatic. Thankfully for me his family live half way across the world so I've only physically met her once and that was more than enough . I feel really sorry for people who have to deal with ILs often. Clash of personalities.

I was always getting annoyed with friends who bashed their inlaws but when I met and married my husband,his parents (who felt he wasn't mature enough to marry...aged 34 !) refused to attend the wedding, said lots of hideous things about me and my family, and ex communicated my husband. We did everything we could to remain in contact.We rang each time a new grandchild was born.(they put phone down) We sent Christmas cards and gifts. Occasionally,with alot of persuasion from me,DH would think of an excuse to go home and collect stuff he had stored there....his mum would hide and leave his dad to let him in. We never said negative stuff about them to the kids and we prayed daily that we would be reconciled with them, as did the kids. Fast forward 12 years, we are suddenly invited to their house Christmas week and have seen them monthly since then.It turns out,my 11 year old daughter had written to her grandma, introduced herself and said what her interests were etc and at a similar time, DH's dad who had got dementia,started to forget about the separation and was asking to see his son. The relationship is not perfect obviously and my husband is quite wary as he has been so hurt in the past but we really believe it is important for our kids to know where they come from. They have been delighted to get to meet their other grandparents and really enjoy our visits to them. MIL is an awesome cook so that helps.I had to keep telling myself when it was really stressing me out that I loved my DH very much and they had 'made' him between them, therefore there must be some things to love about them! I also tried really hard to understand why they had been so anxious about him getting married and their subsequent behaviour.Sometimes, for the sake of peace and harmony you have to be the bigger person. To ask your DH to choose between you and his parents would put him in an impossible situation and I cannot understand anyone who would expect that. Forgiveness and not holding grudges are also very important.

I think a lot of the posters who post about the Mil or Inlaws will be the nightmare Mil of the future.

I'm thinking more of the posts where the behaviour is irritating and annoying where really you could just "suck it up" and accept that parents are still parents even though their DS is grown up.

My Mother did this and my GP behaviour got worse and worse over the years to all of us. She got incredibly bitter - and still is when conversation strays to them - that was decades of tongue biting and petty put downs.

Not sure my MIL ever wanted DH married - he was supposed to be like his uncle and wait on his mother in old age. She came round eventually.

The behaviour from both IL deteriorated when we had DC - they thought they had finally say one off things like bf, how many DC we had and where they went to school - things they'd be outraged if there parents had any comments about. In fact my MIL had a MIL from hell - who she spent most of the time avoiding and ignoring and rare occasions she is mentioned again it's all very bitter.

Getting them to accept us as their DGC parents, putting in boundaries and getting them to relate to us as adults hasn't been an easy road - but after a few difficult years during which time we've all ranted and vented at times - we have a good relationship - one of mutual respect.

Sometime venting on here is a way of coping with difficult or in most case just very different people and values other times it dealing with toxic people though in most cases it's not an IL issue but a DH/DP issue with them needing to back up their DP/DW and cut the apron strings.

Or perhaps we have a little more insight as to what not to do in the future

That was to Bam btw

DH gets on well with my mum, but his is a nightmare. Even he doesn't like her and avoids her as much as he can.

This means hat if I'm doing an AIBU about the ILs it's never going to be good. If they were nice people, it'd be different.

I have never needed to vent on here about IL's but the relationship is not smooth. Lots of horrible things were said about me previously - including me being shouted at 2 weeks prior to our wedding in a restuarant to the point I walked out - completely out of character for me, the reason I walked out was to stop my saying things I would later regret out of respect for my DH.

It's been a tough couple of years and I am still on edge around them as SIL made it perfectly clear what her opinion of me is but I am civilised and make the effort but am dreading the imminent arrival of first DGC. Part of me is hoping the declaration we had when we told them when I was 12 weeks will come true of 'we won't be normal grandparents don't expect us to be involved much'.

I think my presence rocked the boat a little more than anticipated. The only real change I made is DH doesn't say yes to attending things as he used to as he likes to check if I would like to go to!

I find it really sad as DH feels much more relaxed with my family now than his own.

My in laws are great but the fact they live far away probably helps!

The can be annoying, but so can my mum. And brother. And if I'm being really honest, so can I

I don't take offence at much and I never take advice or suggestions as criticism so long as they are meant with the best of intentions.

I suppose with MIL, I look at my husband and he is a really good man, as is his brother. Supportive, loyal, does his fair share around the house and I think well she shaped him so I'm thankful to her for raising the boy who became the man. I think it also helps that they are nice people and they want the best for their sons so I think they appreciate that we're good together.

One of my friends though, I can guarantee will be the MIL from hell. She is One Of Those People who is always in comeptetion, whether it's weight loss, tidy house, children's parties... Her eldest son is coming up to 16 so you might want to lock away your daughters.

I think in many cases the ILs can create problems and do sound nasty.

BUT I have friends who complain about their in-laws a lot, and I still have no clue what the in-laws have actually done wrong. In fact, it seems like the inlaws can't do anything right - for example the MIL is either trying to see the DCs too often, or not enough (never the right amount), or they cooked the wrong food, or they didn't somehow guess via the power of mind reading whether they were welcome or not at an event (and weren't actually told), or they paid for extensions to be done to their house instead of paying for everyone in the family to go on holiday abroad (yes, this was a real complaint), and so on.

In these cases when I know the people well in RL it does seem to me that the most common factor among those who complain is highly-strung drama queens who, deep down, don't like having to share their husband or space with another woman.

Not saying that's all cases of course, but does seem to be the case among friends of mine who complain a lot.