WIBU to shake DH warmly by the throat?

[Newbeee]

I'm in my 3rd trimester now. Still working full time - planning to do so up to my due date - & doing my best to carry on as normal. Yes I know - I'm a frickin hero.

Recently diagnosed with sciatica, SPD and anaemia, feeling quite run down, difficulty sleeping - nothing unusual I know, but basically I'm really starting to feel it.

DH is being....less than supportive... Told him I needed him to take on food shopping as am having to do two trips into town on a Sat as can't carry it all any more, but feet and SPD mean walking is getting problematic. His response: 'Can't you just do several trips per week?' After midwife appointment today, during which my anaemia was confirmed, he was genuinely put out that I wanted a lift home as he wanted to head back to work & taking me home would leave him in a high traffic area. This is after I was left with swollen painful feet from a short walk around town at the weekend. He doesn't seem to get that when I ask him for help I'm not being lazy, I genuinely need help! Work & my family are being really supportive, encouraging me to rest & making sure I don't lift etc. Meanwhile at home my DH is bargaining with me so that he'll only have to carry half the recycling down two flights of stairs - 'Surely you can manage the paper..?'

Exactly how pregnant do I have to be to get a little support around here?

'Pick up the slack' is not specific enough

Oh please don't start 'praising him' for emptying the dishwasher or cooking dinner ....

Tell him to stop being so bloody selfish and grow up. He needs to listen to you ....

Oh and believe me he 'get's it' alright.

I think he needs to trial the new baby sling for a day, with two sacks of potatoes in it. Padlock the thing on him.

Tesco delivery saver user over here. £6 a month. Unlimited deliveries. £25 minimum spend.

I hope you have a cleaner too.

Your DH is an arse.

No, he's not 5, he's selfish and doesn't listen to his struggling partner because he doesn't want to.

He is an adult male. He doesn't need praise, he needs to grow the fuck up.

Those who have had to "train" their partners and use please and thank you to encourage them to not treat you like a domestic slave - I suppose the end result justifies the means - but this scenario gives me the rage!

We used to live in a house where the house was up a long flight of stairs from the street. I got so big in pregnancy that shopping was exhausting - particularly turning the cart but also all the standing in line, etc. One dark raining night after a big shop I got home and trudged up with two bags and asked my husband to please go bring up the rest of it. He huffed about having to put on his shoes and acted really put out. I had a big go at him and chewed him out something fierce. And, I told him that from now on I expected him to be expecting me to come back with a car load of groceries and have his damn shoes on and go get it. He was shamed and he complied and it was OK after that. But, boy! Was I ever mad!

I'm so sorry, he does 'get it', hes not a child, or an animal, but a grown up human whos filly capable.

He is showing you that he doesn't feel that your short term pain and exhaustion, or long term health are as important as his needs.

It's inexcusable. I would point this out to him. Is this the kind of person he wants to be? Or something he should be ashamed of, and never ever be this again?

I don't have the most 'perceptive' of DHs, and if I was in your position, I'd have to spell it all out to him too - that alone would irritate the life out of me. Why should I have to explain the bloody obvious? However, he would at least willingly 'pick up the slack' after being asked, rather than huff and puff. Is your DH normally this obtuse?

Jesus Christ- it's as if feminism never happened.

the end result justifies the means

^^
Yes it does. Unfortunately. I agree it's totally outrageous these guys are so inconsiderate, ignorant, sexist etc.
It is absolutely as if feminism never happened. It is an on going struggle.

I don't think anyone can assume to know if another person 'gets' anything. Maybe it needs to be spelled out sometimes.

OP was asking for practical advice, not asking what ideal world looks like. I've shared what worked for me and since 'picking up the slack' and owning it he has kept on doing it.

I've read the riot act many times and positive reinforcement works better. It's nice to feel appreciated and it works both ways in a partnership.

Well I hope you find another way before your children are old enough to start learning about how relationships work.....

that's from birth, in case you were wondering

Hi all. A quick update for you. A rather traumatic talk was had, during which some crying may have happened (thanks for the tip redexpat). I ended up showing him your responses, which went down as you might expect (he thinks you're a bunch of evil harpies - sorry!) However, I think it did help him to see that it's not just me who thinks he's being off. He's admitted that his behaviour has been poor, and apologised for it. Since then....bloody hell... I have yet to wash up or make the lunches, he's vacuumed, he's done the food shopping, all without being asked. He's even rubbed my feet with barely any complaining. I realise this initial flurry of enthusiasm will have to wane eventually, but he seems to be doing his best to make up for the way he's been so far.

He said that he's so used to me being independent and capable that he's found it hard to adjust to the idea that I'm not, even with the visual reminder of the bump. His models for blokish behaviour are pretty poor - the men of his family are hands off parents with very little input into the running of the household. His brother can barely make toast without supervision. He outdoes them all by a long way (although I'm forbidden from telling them that he bakes), but I think we may need some more involved/evolved husbands/dads in our lives to act as positive examples.

I do feel kind of bad for posting now. On the one hand I obviously wanted you all to agree with me that the things he'd done were bad, so that was gratifying. But I guess I wasn't prepared for how bad seeing him get ripped into would make me feel - lesson learned. Despite the isolated incidents I described in my OP, DH is a good guy, and we do work well as a team. I have high hopes for him as a dad - he's great with kids, and really excited about our new arrival. I think we'll be ok.

Cheers all for your help and support.

Hope he keeps it up.

If not we'll see you in about six months...

Yep. See you in 6 months.

My husband was exactly the same throughout both my pregnancies. Acted as though I was horribly attention seeking. We're divorced now (sorry, probably not terribly helpful.......)

Delurking to congratulate you both.

Also I have massive envy for the baking. I can make cheap meat sit up and beg, but patisserie is beyond me.

Well now he has shown he CAN do it and now he needs to keep it up - your physical and mental well being in pregnancy and beyond needs him to do so.

I am, by the way, not a harpie but happily married with a baby and believe me my husband has had to step up BIG TIME ( hyperemesis, emergency csection, baby not into sleeping)... As long as your DH manages to then that is good. Otherwise it will destroy you.