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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to shake DH warmly by the throat?

67 replies

Newbeee · 08/09/2014 19:21

I'm in my 3rd trimester now. Still working full time - planning to do so up to my due date - & doing my best to carry on as normal. Yes I know - I'm a frickin hero.Wink

Recently diagnosed with sciatica, SPD and anaemia, feeling quite run down, difficulty sleeping - nothing unusual I know, but basically I'm really starting to feel it.

DH is being....less than supportive... Told him I needed him to take on food shopping as am having to do two trips into town on a Sat as can't carry it all any more, but feet and SPD mean walking is getting problematic. His response: 'Can't you just do several trips per week?' After midwife appointment today, during which my anaemia was confirmed, he was genuinely put out that I wanted a lift home as he wanted to head back to work & taking me home would leave him in a high traffic area. This is after I was left with swollen painful feet from a short walk around town at the weekend. He doesn't seem to get that when I ask him for help I'm not being lazy, I genuinely need help! Work & my family are being really supportive, encouraging me to rest & making sure I don't lift etc. Meanwhile at home my DH is bargaining with me so that he'll only have to carry half the recycling down two flights of stairs - 'Surely you can manage the paper..?'

Exactly how pregnant do I have to be to get a little support around here?

OP posts:
TeWiSavesTheDay · 08/09/2014 22:01

By the way, if you haven't seen anyone about your SPD yet, carrying anything heavy is on the banned for the good of your health list. So is pushing supermarket trollies!

missymayhemsmum · 08/09/2014 22:40

He is being a lazy selfish arse. Has he been lulled into a false sense of security by you heroically carrying as normal up till now?
If asking for the support you need is going to result in a row (bad for the blood pressure) do you have a helpful friend or relative (big bro?) who can explain to him the father's proper role in pregnancy and early parenting? Which is to fetch and carry anything that needs fetching and carrying and generally look after you, and make sure you rest and take it easy.

meg70 · 08/09/2014 22:50

Good lord! this man is selfish, mean, lazy or all 3! Do u have someone else that could be there at the actual birth because (my) experience tells me he is is not going to be much help to you! I so hope that family and friends can rally round for you...and btw, no - you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable! Good luck and take care. X

Original poster
Newbeee · 09/09/2014 00:06

While I work full time, he is self employed so works far longer hours. As a result I usually do more round the house as I have more free time. Have had to have a few convos on this subject recently, trying to get him to understand that 50:50 should be the standard, & that I deviate from that, not because I'm the woman, but because I know his job is hard, therefore I'm happy to pick up the slack. The distinction is important to me. He has just about grudgingly come round to this point of view, & we are now 50:50 on food prep, which is quite a leap forward. I have explained that sometime soon it will fall to him to pick up the slack for me, a convo we had recently & prior to getting pregnant. I suspect the message has still not quite sunk in.

He is not a bad person, & tbh I feel a bit bad for having posted - he is a loving husband. He just doesn't get it.

Tips on how to get him to understand would be appreciated. I have spoken to him about this at length, even shown him my OP before posting (still debating whether to show him your replies!), & while he has agreed to improve there has been no light bulb moment, which is what I want more than anything - some fucking acknowledgement.

redexpat - love it Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbeee · 09/09/2014 00:19

To clarify - I walk to town in order to buy f&v from the market which works out loads cheaper (+ locally grown decent quality produce sold by nice ppl). I do have a car, so I could drive to do supermarket shop. Altho would still have to lug it up two flights of stairs. Soz, was not trying to garner extra sympathy thru ommission. Getting food delivered is a good suggestion - I looked into it but market guys don't do veg boxes, so will have to be supermarket all the way I guess.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/09/2014 00:37

He still sounds a little arsehole-adjacent. Watch for baby avoidance work after the birth. You will find out what I mean in time...

LumpySpacedPrincess · 09/09/2014 06:53

If you have clearly explained then there is nothing you can do to "help" him understand. He is not a child, if he is intelligent enough to run a business then he understands what you are saying.

Trapper · 09/09/2014 07:00

I was going to moan about the fact that man would be (righty) condemned for talking about strangling his wife for poor behaviour, so why is the reverse acceptable.

Then I read it.

Strangle the bastard Grin

LindyHemming · 09/09/2014 07:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goshhhhhh · 09/09/2014 07:38

Maybe he doesn't get the amount of effort & energy it takes to grow a human being (we make it look easy). Get him to watch an episode of grand designs....
Seriously - the status quo has changed so he needs to change too. The first year of a baby really tests a relationship (we nearly split up) so you need to get this sorted now.

MrsMook · 09/09/2014 07:49

How to make a man understand SPD: drop him out of a top floor window, groin first onto a conveniently placed anvil. Then get him to do the week's shop.

I'm not a great fan of online shopping, but it is very useful when you have SPD. Especially as it gets carried in for you.

Things like cooking were done by sitting at the kitchen table for prep.

Don't let him off the hook though!

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 07:51

He "gets it" alright

diddl · 09/09/2014 07:54

He doesn't "get" it??!!

Course he does, he just doesn't want to!

Preciousbane · 09/09/2014 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hakluyt · 09/09/2014 07:58

Oh of course he "gets it".

Why do women always do this "how can I get him to understand" "you need to show him" routine,

Men are human beings. Anything a woman "gets" or "understands" they do to.

ThatBloodyWoman · 09/09/2014 08:00

Don't be fooled, op.
This is not how a loving husband behaves.

Humansatnav · 09/09/2014 08:02

Take him into a midwife appointment with you. Tell midwife in front of him . Watch as Midwife royally bollocks him. If that doesn't get through nothing will. ( My dh used to have zilch sympathy for migraine, as he has never had one. Gp called out by my dm to me as I was unrouseable when dh was at work. Dh returned when Gp was leaving. Gp gave him a detailed account of migraine , how it affects vision, stomach, pain levels. Dh then got it )

rollonthesummer · 09/09/2014 08:03

You're not working up to your due date with sciatica and anaemia because he wants you to, are you? Why not stop a bit earlier?

OwlCapone · 09/09/2014 08:04

Say to him "Imagine I have just kicked you in the balls. Now imagine that, whilst you are in pain, I try to get you to take the recycling out or do the shopping at that moment."

If he still doesn't get it, actually kick him in the balls and insist he goes to do the shopping.

magpiegin · 09/09/2014 08:10

I agree with the others, he gets it but he just doesn't want to do anything about it.

Before the baby comes you will have to give him specific instructions on what is expected of him after the baby is here. I recently had an emergency c section and had some complications. My husband has been amazing and I couldn't have coped without him. It would have been a very lonely time without the constant support he has given me.

Ihatefootball · 09/09/2014 09:30

I get what you are saying, but maybe you need to make some changes too.

You could drive to shop, but you choose to walk. You could get food delivered, and the delivery guy would carry it up the stairs, but you want to get farm veg. You want to get farm veg, but you could get a Riverford or similar delivery if you don't want supermarket veg.

I am not saying he shouldn't do more to help you, he should, but you can also change the way you do things. You will have to when the baby arrives, so you might as well think of different ways of doing things now, even if it is just for the next few months.

Corabell · 09/09/2014 10:06

When you - oh so patiently- describe your ailments all he hears is "blah blah blah". Even if you didn't have spd or anaemia he should be taking up the slack because pregnancy is exhausting!

Do less and bring your mat leave forward, otherwise you are going to be a physical wreck and have to deal with a newborn.

PausingFlatly · 09/09/2014 10:13

"Could you do X, please?", "I'm doing Y, so I need you to do Z."

Nooooooo!

"I'm doing Y, so you need to do Z."

He has to do the shopping/laundry/bins because he needs it done, the whole household needs it done. Not because you need it done.

Hakluyt · 09/09/2014 10:16

"When you - oh so patiently- describe your ailments all he hears is "blah blah blah"."

How old is he? 5?

bananaleaf · 09/09/2014 10:34

I agree with magpie about the specific instructions and clear expectations before the baby comes eg I told DH
'I will need you to cook dinner and clear up afterwards when I come home from hospital with the baby'
'Can you please unstack the dishwasher every morning before you leave' etc
I know it's a bit patronising but I made sure I 'praised' him and told him how much difference the effort made to me etc etc (works with my DH anyway Hmm )
I also agree with football that you need to make things easier for yourself for a while and maybe cut a few corners. When the baby comes you'll have plenty of time to walk into town again to get your veg etc