I know IABU but I'm a bit fed up of this

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

I can't ever say anything in RL so I need to vent on here.

Whilst I am very grateful to DFil for walking the dog for me if I want to go out for the day, I would also be quite grateful if he didn't continuously let himself in at any other time. And I mean any time.

Popped upstairs for a shower after I dropped the dc's off at school this morning. Came downstairs in my dressing gown - thank god it wasn't just a towel - to make a cup of tea and there's DFil making himself at home with a cup of tea and the paper.

It's now almost every day. I hear the key go in the lock and in he strolls. And then he'll want a cup of tea and the paper and I feel mean if I don't sit and make conversation. DMil died a couple of years ago and whilst DFil does live quite a busy and active life I automatically feel obliged to stay and keep him company.

Sometimes he'll call in at nine o'clock at night if he's passing. You feel like you can't relax.

I can almost hear DMil telling him not to intrude and to bugger off.

I can't ever say anything but I just don't want him turning up all the time unannounced. I think he thinks that his sons house is his house. Well it's my house too and I don't really want guests at all hours. But I can't really say anything so I need to deal with it really, don't I?

Could dh say something to him ?

Did you post this a few weeks ago?

If not you have someone else in an identical situation to 'share' with!

I think it was quite divided between 'Oh he's lonely, be nice' and 'there's always the patio'

I think you have to say something, you can't let him carry on like this.

YANBU really are you, you're entitled to privacy in your own home, but it's a bit of a tricky one if he's feeling lonely, DFIL probably likes having company even if it's just people coming and going at yours. I guess you should speak to DH as it's his father, and maybe set out times that are/are not acceptable, or just ask him to ring first? Sorry I'm not much help, I'd be at a loss with what to do in this situation too.

Please do say something otherwise it will make you crosser and crosser. Such an imposition and impolite too. If he's lonely can DH pop in on him more so you can reclaim your privacy?

In your position I would probably bolt the doors so he couldn't get in with the key and hide when he rings the doorbell in the short term. Then do what hamster more sensibly suggests and get your Dh to talk to him.
Yanbu, anyone would be fed up with it!

Love your username by the way

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is your home, not his. If he is lonely then he should ask if he can come over, not just let himself into your home.

I would ask your DH to have a word with him and ask him to phone if he would like to come over, and you will let him know if it is convenient. Perhaps you could decide on a day that he could come for dinner every week so that he knows he will get to see you, but then you don't feel so bad saying no at other times.

Latte no but I think I commented on that thread. Have you decided on somewhere to relocate to yet?

Bigby thanks!

He does come for tea once a week. He also goes to DBil's and he goes out with friends. He's in our village quite a lot so just drops in.

I could get dh to bring it up but he's not known for his tact.

I wonder if I leave my key in the door whether it would stop his from working? It's a Yale lock.

Oh we have this with FiL. We both work from home (self employed). Annoyingly DH tends to lurk in his office while muggins here endures one of his half hour monologues. And we have told him loads of times to come in the evening or the weekend. He just doesn't get it.

He popped in yesterday while we were having lunch and demanded to know where his "princess" (DD1 aged 18) was. I said she was still in bed having only rolled in about 7 in the morning. He got very cross and said he was in a good mind to go upstairs and drag her out of bed. Evil DS calmly pointed out he'd have to climb over her 6'3" boyfriend to do that. FiL left in a huff. Yay!

YANBU, this would irritate me as well but I'd feel like I couldn't say anything.
Can you have a go at leaving your keys in the lock, or perhaps wandering around in a towel could scare him off?!

Just walk downstairs naked and he'll be too embarrassed to let himself in unannounced again

I can see why you feel as you do. Where I come from it's quite normal for family to just pop in, open the door etc.

Maybe start locking the door so you can hide and he just can't walk in. I would find it really hard to say anything to him. Or start walking in on him stark naked and scream in shock - though he might like that and move in.

Ms - No, not found anywhere yet! Sounds like you didn't get my PM?!

I think you should just say to him that you are grateful that he can walk the the dog etc when you need him to and so it's handy for him to have a key, but that you feel on edge not knowing if you are home alone or not and it's making you unable to relax so could he please phone if he's planning on popping in :)

tinkly your ds is fabulous!

I'd be furious. It's very disrespectful.

I don't think it matters if your DH isn't tactful –let him talk to his father and sort it out between themselves.

Is it possible to just take his key off him, or do you mean he has keys because he walks the dog and has to let himself in when there's no one there? Is there any way of changing this –drop the dog round to him before you go out? Get the key back off him every time? Get someone else to walk the dog?

Very tricky situation as he is helping you out but now seems to feel this entitles him to use your house as an alternative home. Could you not get alternative dog care to balance things out again (and change the locks at the same time ). It would drive me potty tbh!

DH nearly hit FIL over the head with a chair leg once - he had come round to do something in the garden and was sitting with the paper and a cup of team before going out, and DH thought it was a burglar.

I think DH did say something like 'could you let us know when you are coming next time', but I'm not sure he ever actually did come again. Fair enough as I was perfectly capable of doing the garden myself!

Tinkly wow, sounds like you have it worse than me.

I asked him for the key back once on the pretence that we had lost our spare one. He said no problem, I'll get you another one cut when I come through town. Aaargh!

Could he not walk the dog for half an hour say between 10 and 11am or 9am to 10am and if he wants a cup of tea after the walk it's done and dusted by 11am.

He is doing you (and your dog) a favour by taking him out for walks but perhaps you could pur more of a structure around the situation e.g. times that the walks happen (do they have to be every day at the same time or can they be Monday mornings and then Tuesday afternoons and then back to a morning walk on a Wednesday for example?).

Is your DH there when his dad is? You say that your DH isn't very tactful - well he is your FIL's son so your FIL should be well used to his own son's behaviour and comments.

Reading your post again OP, you mention that you would feel mean if you don't sit there while he reads his paper. Well he doesn't feel mean to be sitting there reading his paper so I'd leave him to it and carry on with your normal chores/jobs around the house and if you're going out after your shower, just shout into him "FIL, I'm going out now. Make sure you lock up the house when you leave" and see how long he stays for. If it becomes a situation where he stays all day and only does the other stuff you mentioned later on in the evening, then your DH will have to have a word with his dear old dad. Soon.

Best of luck with it.

Oh yes, know all about that. My exH used to let himself into my son's house any time he wanted, thinking it was his right, just walking in, not ringing the bell first even. My darling DIL was extremely upset by this, especially as she'd just had a baby and was feeling delicate, needing rest and private time with the new baby.

She poured her heart out to me, said her DH (my son) was too 'nice' to tell his dad off. But I was horrified and read the riot act to my son. The visits stopped immediately.

Being petty - I can't see how exH could even think he had a 'right', since he'd never contributed towards my son and DIL buying their home - only I had (polishes halo).

Good advice Whatcha, thanks. I'll just go and leave him to it.

He doesn't walk the dog that much, but over the summer holidays whenever dh was able to have a day off, we did ask him a few times to look in on the dog so we could take the dc's out for the day. He brings us bags of apples and plums and stuff and is generous in general, but just has no boundaries.

He doesn't say hello or goodbye. He'll just come in and start talking. Or leave before you've said goodbye. He doesn't do conversation for the sake of it, he's got no empathy or thought for anyone, he never asks after anyone but talks about himself all the time. He even complained the other day that a friend who'd had an accident with a saw and passed out from loss of blood wouldn't be well enough to come and help him on his farm! He's so self absorbed and oblivious that he simply wouldn't understand why I had a problem with him wandering in and out of my home.

Sorry if that is long winded, but that's how he is.

small steps. definitely be much busier so you stop sitting and chatting. do it on the weekends, but not during the week until you're comfortable with the amount you're having to talk to him.

then when he's got the message that you don't want to talk during the week (may take a while..) then tell him to check first before popping round.

if you don't have the patience for all that, bolt the door or leave your key in the lock. you can always say 'sorry - wasn't expecting you!'. and keep doing it.

I asked him for the key back once on the pretence that we had lost our spare one. He said no problem, I'll get you another one cut when I come through town.

He's a nightmare. Maybe get a chain for the door that he can't open from outside?

Or tell him again 'No, we need the key back. If you don't return it we will consider it a security issue and change the locks.' Then do so if he doesn't comply.

I had this, (though not half as bad) with my MIL. At one point I even took to hiding in my bedroom when I heard her car pull up!

My friend suggested leaving the key in the lock on the inside, but she was still able to unlock the door from the outside.

It has stopped now though; we got a burglar alarm and didn't give her the code. She nearly had a heart attack when the alarm went off and my neighbour tried to tackle her!

Dippy

Brilliant.

I thought I might get a bit of a flaming for being heartless. I'm glad you all think IANBU.

I'd sow the seeds of dodgy people aroubd and someone knocking asking for money. Say you're feelibg uncomfortable and you're going to start bolting the doors shut when you're inside.

There's NO WAY I would tolerate someone wandering around my house.