to want exp to pay the maintenance he owes before next seeing dc

[Baabaapinksheep]

To get a bit of background exp lives a couple of hours away from dc, 6 and 4, and me, entirely his choice, and sees dc about once a month for an afternoon, again his choice.

Everytime he comes to see them I end up having to go without maintenance because he says he can't afford to pay that and the cost of travel to get here. They went to stay with him last month, and one of the condtions was that all maintenance be paid because he owed me for a few weeks in July. He agreed to this and said it would not be a problem, however when the time came he didn't pay anything, his excuse being that it cost more in travel than he thougth it would, even though this is a cost that he can work out beforehand.

I have had nothing since then. He is due to come and see dc in a couple of weeks, would IBU to tell him that he needs to pay everything he owes or the visit will be postponed? I can't afford to keep going without maitnenance every time he sees them, and I really think he needs to be able to budget for both maintenance and seeing thd dc. No doubt I will lose another week of maintenance if he does come and see them in a couple of weeks.

I'm not sure how I feel about it, so happy to be told IABU.

As an aside, dc aren't asking to see him and don't know he is due to come in a couple of weeks.

Why don't you go through the CMS?

you cannot withhold contact imo that makes you as bad as him.

go to csa and get them to do an attachment to earnings

Have tried CSA but he is self employed so there isn't much they can do until he has submitted a tax return.

I agree with you, although plenty won't.

I don't personally think good parents who are an asset to their child's life would happily see them go without food/clothing or expect others to pay for it.

Children deserve than fair weather deadbeat parents.

*deserve better

This happened to me. Unfortunately the advice I had was not to block contact. Yes exh is now very reliable for the DC but. I am still owed 2 years worth (he is now paying weekly).

If you truly can't manage without him making deductions to the maintenance then in your position I wouldn't be willing to make any arrangements with him for visiting the children, and I'd tell him so. In writing.

I'm just so fed up with having to pay everything, I've struggled for years because he's never paid anything reliably and things are tight.

Part of it is that he assured me he would be paid up to date before the dc went to visit, so I budgeted to have this money, and now I don't. I've had to buy school uniform etc. so its been an expensive month and I just can't afford to keep having to do this every time he sees them.

I have successfuly sued him in the past for unpaid maintenance, so maybe I should do this again.

The father doesn't pay maintenance in return for spending time with their child, it is to contribute to clothes, food, anything else that child needs to live. I don't think that blocking contact is the best way to deal with this, though I can totally see why you are fed up and it definitely needs dealing with. You both created these lives therefore both have to contribute, he needs to learn to budget for travel expenses as well as his monthly outgoings, child maintenance included!
Go down the proper route, sue him if needs be, but don't let it affect your children having a relationship with their father. Good luck!

His choice to live away. You only need to have them available for contact unless there is a court order for you to take them to him/pay for it - his budget is his problem - don't make it yours. Does he smoke/drink/eat out/takeaways? I bet he doesn't cut back to the bone to find the money.

I don't pay for him to see them, he comes here and the costs are all his. But obviously he can't afford to pay maintenance as well as coming to see them.

Yes he does smoke and drink, his income isn't much different to mine so I don't see how if I can afford to pay out aprprox £200 per week in expenses for the dc he can't afford a measly £50 per week.

I think he does have the money to be able to pay maintenance and see them, he just doesn't save/budget properly so that he can do it. Then the thing that has to go is the maintenance, otherwise the dc don't get to see their dad.

Yabvu to make your children's relationship with their father dependent on money.

Their right to see their dad, whether they want to or not at their age, is far more important than your right to maintenance money, because they a re children and you are an adult who chose to bring them into this world.

Obviously your ex should pay the money he owes, but if he doesn't you will still get enough in benefits to pay for your children's needs.

Would you think it's right that non working parents with no private income or partner to support them be barred from seeing their children as well?

YABU

I don't agree with punishing the children.

I'd withhold it.

It's the ex who is turning seeing his children into pay-per-view. The OP isn't given any choice in the matter. He needs to budget properly, not make deductions from child-maintenance after the fact. Any suggestions on how the OP can ensure she get the CM she's entitled to other than not facilitating contact? He's got her over a bloody barrel.

Children aren't pay per view.
Continue to let him see the children and go down the proper routes In regards to chasing maintenance.

YABU. Kids aren't pay-per-view.

I'm sorry, I can see why you are frustrated.

But Yabu I'm afraid, contact with children is not on a pay as you go basis.

Contact and maintenance should be two completely separate issues.

It is shit, he is a tool but please don't stop the children from seeing their father because of money
YABU

Contact and child support are two different things. Do the bear minimum contact.

Get the CSA to sort out the money.

Thank goodness you children have you op. He sounds like a feckless dick.

I was going to say YABU, as contact and maintenance shouldn't be connected, but he's being a total twat.

He's the one that's making the connection between the two, and basically saying 'I can either see them or I can pay maintanence, but not both'.

In this specific case, I don't think it wouldn't be unreasonable to say ' well I'm sorry, but I can't affairs to look after them without you're contribution, so I'd rather you paid the maintenance thanks'.

The reality is though, that you probably just have to roll over and accept what he dishes out, because there's nothing you can do to stop him being an arsehole, and you want to put your children first.

Children are not pay per view. Your children have the right to a relationship with their father. You should not block contact just because he isn't paying maintenance. If there is a contact order in place you will be in breach of the order. If there is no order he could use any attempt to block contact as evidence if he goes to court for contact. The courts would view blocking contact due to non-payment of maintenance as unreasonable. That won't decide the outcome on its own but it certainly won't help your case.

I've always found this view that contact and maintenance are completely separate to be a bit unfair. I appreciate that you wouldn't want to stop a nrp who was unemployed or completely brassic to be stopped from seeing their DC......however, if the OP just decided she couldn't afford to pay for the DC's food, clothing etc and just stopped doing so, she would be stopped from seeing them - by social services!
I feel for you OP, I don't think you should cut contact this time, get some advice, sue him again if necessary. He sounds like a waster, but hopefully your dc won't realise this til they're older and more able to understand it all.

Do you honestly think delaying his visit will make him pay up? I'm doubtful.

Contact should never be used as a weapon, but he needs to sort his shit out pronto.