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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not a favour?

52 replies

winkywinkola · 08/09/2014 10:06

I've been a SAHM for ten years. 4 dcs. Three are at school and ds3 at home with me.

I've started doing a bit of freelancing in my old job. It's okay.

But I want to go back to college. I've found a course on Saturdays. It means dh had the dcs from 9-5pm on that day for an academic year.

He's acting like he's doing me a huge favour.

I call it parenting and cooperation. Aibu?

OP posts:
TheGirlFromIpanema · 08/09/2014 10:08

Short answer is YANBU Grin

kinkyfuckery · 08/09/2014 10:10

YANBU. I'm guessing you do him the favour of having the kids throughout the week so he can work?

WildThong · 08/09/2014 10:10

You already know the answer

VinoTime · 08/09/2014 10:10

I am rolling my eyes at him on your behalf.

Tell him to put a sock in it.

YANBU.

BBQsAreSooooOverrated · 08/09/2014 10:11

YANBU. It's like when dh said he was babysitting when I went out Hmm

pictish · 08/09/2014 10:11

Yanbu at all.
It's not a favour, it's cooperation.

akwardsazzle · 08/09/2014 10:12

of course yanbu. Most people do not like change, this will be a big change for your DH, and he WILL moan about it, rightly or wrongly. Additionally I think looking after children is in 99% of cases, seen as the woman's job and any 'looking after' of children by men is seen as 'doing you a favour'. Which makes me so cross I could explode.

RaspberryLemonPavlova · 08/09/2014 10:13

YANBU, definitely not a favour.

I was a SAHM for 14 years and I did tend to find that DH forgot he was also responsible. The default was always that I had the DC, and it has taken some working out on occasions. He didn't always realise he was doing it.

ArsenicFaceCream · 08/09/2014 10:15

It's like when dh said he was babysitting when I went out

YANBU OP. Is he sulking?

BBQ Shock What did you do to him?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/09/2014 10:16

I guess it depends what you are studying. If you are doing wine tasting then he probably is. If you are doing advanced computer programming before going back to / into a career as a computer programmer the most definitely not!

Only1scoop · 08/09/2014 10:18

Yanbu

Remind him on the 'favour' you are doing him Monday to Friday Smile

Original poster
winkywinkola · 08/09/2014 10:20

Should it matter what I'm studying?

I mean if he goes out after work for a few drinks or dinner, I am the default childcare. No request that I look after my children that night whilst he goes off having a merry time? Good on him for doing that.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 08/09/2014 10:24

Absolutely not....

Infact I hope it is purveying fine wines....or expressive dance or....trapeze for beginners.

Far more fun

Enjoy

erin99 · 08/09/2014 10:26

I don't know, it does sound like a big ask. If he decided to take up a course every Sunday from 9-5, for a year, would you not feel a bit taken for granted if he assumed you'd cover the DC? I would expect him to ask nicely and appreciate my help TBH.

I think it makes a big difference what the course is, and how easy it is to get a job at the end of it. If the course were TV Presenting, or A level physics, YABU.

The babysitting thing smacks of an attitude problem though.

tisrainingagain · 08/09/2014 10:27

trapeze for beginners Grin

museumum · 08/09/2014 10:27

Hmm I see both sides. To be honest if he works Monday to Friday and had taken on a Saturday job too then you would be "doing him a favour" to take on an additional childcare day. Same goes for him doing it while you study.
However, I'd say it's a favour he should be willing to do as I think a day a week as sole parent makes a big difference to the parent-child relationship (in a good way!).

And it depends how you ended up as sahp. If you really wanted to stay at home and he's flogged himself in a jib he hates to enable you to stay at home that's different from either the situation where you both decided this is what you want, or the situation where you felt you had to stay at home for financial reasons as the lower earner or because if being the female (mat leaves and bf).

chinamoon · 08/09/2014 10:30

Let him treat it as a favour if he must (rather than get into rows where he'll feel misunderstood etc etc) but don't react back as though you think it's a favour. Take it for granted. Assume he is a man and can cope with DC all day. Continue to do this until he catches on. They're quite trainable if you are consistent. Wink

tisrainingagain · 08/09/2014 10:31

As a serial course taker and a SAHM I think yanbu OP. Some of my courses have lead to nothing (though I hoped they would at the time) but they were a welcome relief from being cooped up with three small children week in week out (which I am not knocking and which I did enjoy). It meant I was better able to carry on doing it. My h was able to go out and meet people the through his work but my life had in a sense shrunk.

Kerberos · 08/09/2014 10:47

I can see both sides of it to be honest. Every Saturday for a year would half your time together as a family unit so it's not just about him making a point about "babysitting".

seasavage · 08/09/2014 10:54

It is completely not "a favour" my husband (dd's stepdad) has merrily supported my search for me to find a course and attend College.
My exH equally has suggested a regular evening as I have College. Neither considers it a "favour" as they see it as I (as primary carer) am not available in those times.
Does he also "help out" with the housework

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 08/09/2014 11:03

I think the course does matter. If it is something that will lead to a job then that will obviously benefit you all as a family. If it is advanced plumbing and your central heating is bust then again it will benefit you all as a family.

If the only benefit is enjoyment for you then it is a hobby and so your dh is doing you a favour looking after the kids. Just as you are doing him a favour looking after the kids when he goes out after work as again that benefits no one but him.

I think the problem is more him not appreciating you doing this than him thinking that He is doing you a favour.

Not that I should be advising on this type of thing - my husband acted like coming home to look after the kids while I had the contraceptive implant put in my arm was a favour. So I didn't bother. We don't want any more kids. We both like sex. We are both slightly worried about condoms. It's called "cutting off your nose to spite your face". Grin We need to have a proper conversation about it really but ds doesn't sleep and I just don't have the energy.

Vitalstatistix · 08/09/2014 11:04

It's only a favour if he thinks that all things child related are your responsibility and yours alone. Is that what he thinks?

Parents look after their children. Sometimes it's both, sometimes it's one or the other. Nobody is doing anyone any favours any more than they are doing a favour by hoovering the living room or putting the dishes away. It's just stuff that has to be done by people who are equally responsible to do it.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 08/09/2014 11:09

I think it's something to be discussed. Weekends are family time and anything someone is going to do for one of those two days for a whole year needs discussing. There are lots of factors to take into consideration - ie will it lead to a job or is it a hobby? If it's a hobby, then can DH do something every Sunday for a year without discussing it with the OP first?

Handsoff7 · 08/09/2014 11:10

I think YABU. As it reads here, you've decided to make both of you effectively have 6 day weeks to enable you to do something you want. Joint family time is to be sacrificed for this.

His one day doing your job will be a lot more tiring as he won't have 9-3 with only the littlest, he'll have all 4 all day.

It may be entirely fair if you say look after the children for him to have two evenings to himself. It may also be a sacrifice worth making to improve your career options when the smallest goes to school (and a joint decision).

To be clear I'm not saying looking after the children at evenings/weekends is your job - it should be shared. At face value this does look like a big favour from your DH (though as said it may well be fair for other favours you give him)

Original poster
winkywinkola · 09/09/2014 21:34

Well no. We discussed it and he said he was happy to do it. Especially since it's a vocational course. Only now he seems to be saying it's a huge favour to me.

OP posts:
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