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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is not a favour?

52 replies

winkywinkola · 08/09/2014 10:06

I've been a SAHM for ten years. 4 dcs. Three are at school and ds3 at home with me.

I've started doing a bit of freelancing in my old job. It's okay.

But I want to go back to college. I've found a course on Saturdays. It means dh had the dcs from 9-5pm on that day for an academic year.

He's acting like he's doing me a huge favour.

I call it parenting and cooperation. Aibu?

OP posts:

funkybuddah · 09/09/2014 21:38

I work every Saturday. Always have the 12yrs we've been parents.

If dp ever sulked about it he would get my boot up his arse.
It doesnt matter if its every Saturday. 1 day a week. It will do him and the dcs good to have time alone to do regular things. My lot have their own routines on a saturday and if ever im off i get in the way.

Good luck with your new course!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 10/09/2014 10:46

He said he was happy to do it, that doesn't mean it's not a favour. I might be happy to take my friends kids to school for her, it's still a favour. It really depends on who gains out of it, whether it's 'a shared load' or 'a favour' doesn't it.

He's working all week, in turn you are a SAHM - so both 'working' all week. At the weekends it's normal to want to have family time together and share the childcare. I'd consider it a 'favour' if it was a hobby, that's for sure. As it's 'vocational' I'd want to know how important it was, how much we would (as a family) gain from you doing it and if it couldn't be done in the week when the kids are at school and the youngest is at (or could be at) nursery.

Funky - working is entirely different and presumably something that you agreed between you.

Infinity8 · 10/09/2014 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowinmyroom · 10/09/2014 15:03

Wow! Now fucking sad, that someone would consider spending one full day a week with his or her own children a chore, a job, a favour. I wish!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/09/2014 15:05

Tell your DH his Martyr Medal is in the post and could he turn it sideways before he shoves it up his arse.

Favour indeed, how many favours do you do by cooking, cleaning, childcare? Because if he wants to think like that, he's fallen short.

Thumbwitch · 10/09/2014 15:08

Would he still think of it as a favour if you were out working instead of training for work? I mean, if you were actually bringing money in, would he be more accepting of his childcare role on the Saturdays?

Because if he wouldn't see that as a "favour" then he shouldn't think of this as a favour either and it rather highlights his attitude towards you trying to improve your prospects.

maddening · 10/09/2014 15:43

No a favour is not looking after your own dc while the other parent is at work/education/cleaning/doing errands for the family etc

maddening · 10/09/2014 15:44

Ps tell him he owes your 4 favours back for the four extra days you look after the dc in comparison to him.

picnicbasketcase · 10/09/2014 15:47

No it effing isn't a favour. You're both their parents, why should he think that looking after them is somehow beneath him?

furcoatbigknickers · 10/09/2014 15:48

Does he all so babysit his own kids? manchild

BeyoncesCat · 10/09/2014 15:56

I hate this! Dds dad used post pictures on his fucking insatgram saying "babysitting my babybeyonce!" Wtf!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2014 15:56

It depends. Both me and DH are very appreciative of what the other does. So, I treat him having DD as a favour but he equally treats me looking after her as a favour. There is no 'default' as such. Same with housework. Either both are getting thank yous and appreciation or neither.

If it helps, my SIL and now everyone else in the whole, extended family uses the phrase, "you're a wonderful man, doing a hell of a job". Every. Single. Time. Really takes the wind out of their sails.

"I cleaned the toilet".

"You're a wonderful man, doing a hell of a job"

You need a very serious face while saying it, and empasise the 'hell' and 'wonderful'.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 10/09/2014 16:14

"I mean if he goes out after work for a few drinks or dinner, I am the default childcare. No request that I look after my children that night whilst he goes off having a merry time? Good on him for doing that."

This seems a bigger problem OP. Why are you the default? In my relationship we ask each other if the other has anything on before arranging to go out in the evening. And we both go out about the same amount.

But....as others have said, every Saturday for a year is rather a lot of family time being missed out on. It is a bit different to during the week as they aren't at school (though presumably you have to entertain them most of the time in holidays). There are other options for childcare during the week, whereas on a Saturday you don't have nurseries etc. So in some ways I think he is doing you a bit of a favour, but if by doing this you are improving your job prospects then it seems reasonable enough.

Earlybird · 10/09/2014 16:17

Do you want to go back to college for this course simply because it interests you, or is it meant to advance your career/earning prospects?

Would the family budget stretch to a Saturday sitter - maybe once a month - so your dh can have free time periodically?

morethanpotatoprints · 10/09/2014 16:25

I don't think he is doing you a favour he is raising his children/parenting/spending time with them.
Any one of these things but certainly not providing childcare or baby sitting.
I really hate parents saying the latter two whether they woh or not.
He is certainly not doing you a favour. They are his kids.

Original poster

winkywinkola · 11/09/2014 23:48

The course is to prove our family financial prospects.

OP posts:

Original poster

winkywinkola · 11/09/2014 23:49

But I hope to enjoy it too!

OP posts:

Earlybird · 13/09/2014 15:23

Given the reasons you've described, it most definitely isn't a favour - but it is a huge commitment for you and your dh.

In your situation, I would try to arrange a sitter (or friend, family) to have the kids periodically so your dh has some time off to relax and do some things he enjoys.

Good luck.

needaholidaynow · 13/09/2014 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Veritata · 13/09/2014 15:41

His one day doing your job will be a lot more tiring as he won't have 9-3 with only the littlest, he'll have all 4 all day.

She's just finished 6 solid weeks of having all four all day all week, ffs!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 13/09/2014 15:50

It's 'a favour' (if the person agrees to it, it's taking a fucking liberty if they don't) if the other person is going off to do a hobby because you are doing 'their share' of the weekends parenting.

If it's something that will benefit the family it's not a favour, but it does need to be discussed and agreed on - then not whinged about.

HermioneWeasley · 13/09/2014 17:19

It's a big ask - he works full time and then will have very full on Saturdays. I think the MN rule of "equal amounts of leisure time" applies here - yes your studies may ultimately end up benefitting the family financially, but you're getting a lot out of it too.

clam · 13/09/2014 17:25

Why is it a 'big ask?' If he considers looking after children 'work,' and he therefore isn't keen to do it, then presumably it's also 'work' when his wife does it all day every day every week, enabling him to go out to work and further his career.

Original poster

winkywinkola · 13/09/2014 17:33

My studies may help the family but I will be getting a lot out if it too?

So I should choose something I don't get a lot out of like some kind of penance?!?

OP posts:

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 13/09/2014 22:37

Lots of people consider looking after children as equivalent to work yes.

"My studies may help the family"

Hmmm, beginning to sound a bit more like it's just something you want to do, and not so much for career reasons. Without knowing the full details this is one of those where I don't think we can say.

But, like I said earlier it's the attitude that you'll be free to look after the kids if he wants to go out after work that needs sorting.

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