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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder when a ds can decide for himself...

34 replies

fcukip · 07/09/2014 22:32

The amount of time he spends with his dad.

Right now its every other weekend. Ex has taken me to court repeatedly for fifty fifty. Though he's a good dad he's controlling of me.

I am flexible to a certain extent. Ex sees DS an extra evening but he keeps demanding more.

When can I trust DS to be able to decide the terms of contact between himself and his parents? He's five now.

OP posts:
holdyourown · 07/09/2014 22:42

I don't think it's fair to expect your DS to decide! he'll feel divided loyalties. Maybe once he's independent say teenage and can get himself about it's different.

What happened at court? Presumably they've made a decision about it there?

PiperIsOrange · 07/09/2014 22:46

On the face of it, he is a good father so why are you not allowing more time between them.

I do feel that there is a huge back story and with out the facts then I would say yabu to have such restrictive access.

RobbStarksBitch · 07/09/2014 22:50

I have often wondered this myself but my situation is slightly different. Ds1 is 7, sees his dad approx a week at a time 5 times a year and 4 weeks in the summer holidays. He's a rubbish dad and Ds hate going to see him but as it's court ordered there is naff all I can do about it at the moment.

halamadrid · 07/09/2014 23:05

Not until teenage age. Ds started to arrange own contact times when he was 14. It's not fair for a child to decide and it's not fair on the nrp. Ds had to miss drama school and parties every other weekend but that was how it had to be for him to maintain a relationship with his dad.

BackforGood · 07/09/2014 23:06

Late teens. Before then they are torn, trying to please you both and it's not fair to put that responsibility on them.

If he's a good Dad, is there a good reason why he shouldn't have 50:50 contact?

missymayhemsmum · 08/09/2014 00:01

If he's a good dad and the time he spends with ds is positive, why don't you ask him to have him on nights when you want to go out? The main thing is to have a routine which works for ds for school.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 08/09/2014 00:07

Changing houses frequently is no longer seen as being in the best interests of the child.
What is "fair" for the parents is not the priority any more.

BramwellBrown · 08/09/2014 02:05

If you have no concerns about their relationship and ds doesnt refuse to go see him or anything, then when hes a teenager, before then its cruel to ask him to choose between time with you and time with his Dad as he will feel torn and awkward.

Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 07:09

I have no concerns about the relationship between father and child.

Before the court order I agreed to fifty to fifty unofficially. During this time he haranged me, contacted social services and monitored me. He took it to court to get sole residence but the court decided that his emotional abuse of me would negatively impact Ds.

Despite this I still try to be flexible as much as I can with contact. He sees DS extra during week but I'm not agreeing to extra overnight stays yet as I'm scared he'll use this to control me again.

OP posts:
Altinkum · 08/09/2014 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

inthename · 08/09/2014 07:29

Its normally teenage.
I do understand, have had similar from my ex over the years, the more you give, the more they want and it isn't really about being with their child but about controlling you. Yes, the relationship between father and child in these sorts of cases could be described as 'good' but it also easily becomes emotionally abusive, where the nrp (have to say it can be either a mum or a dad if they have this sort of character) wants ownership over a child rather than a positive relationship. The child is often not allowed to see friends, go to parties, do clubs because its the nrp 'time' - often everything they do is socially isolating. Then as a teenager, the child can start to feel stifled by the nrp obvious need to own them rather than allowing them freedom.
There is no real answer to the problem. Is there any way that you could go to mediation or have a solicitor write to him that you do understand that he would like more tiime but that he would need to undertake not to emotionally harrass you or seek to play what are effectively mind games as they will have a negative impact on his relationship with his son, even if he can't see it now. Its often said (I think someone did a study on it sometime)that children who have consistent contact for up to 7 years or more with this sort of parent often decide to massively reduce it in the teenage years because of the controlling nature of the parent.

Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 07:35

That's interesting in the name do you have a link to this study?

Been back and forth through courts three years as he is a serial litigator. When that didn't go his way we did mediation but that had to end as he was abusive to me during sessions. Meditator decided it wasn't useful for us.

Its hard as I want to be fair but whenever I engage with nrp he starts up old behaviour.

I know I'm only giving my side and nrp thinks I'm awful too so I do try to see it from his eyes as well.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 08/09/2014 07:38

Changing houses frequently is no longer seen as being in the best interests of the child.

Not necessarily. Courts are actually moving towards shared care. It doesn't have to be 'moving between houses frequently' if the week is split half and half.

MyFairyKing · 08/09/2014 07:42

Do you have to engage with him at all except for important decisions re: DS's health, education and welfare? Refuse to discuss contact and ask him to apply to officially have residency 50:50. Every time he brings it up; "please apply to the court" and walk away, hang up or disengage.

Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 07:48

earth wind fire this is not true.

David Norgrove researched this as Australia as problems had manifested itself there. Despite his negative findings this government is going down the Australian route.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-16870932

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 08/09/2014 07:54

I'd stick with the court agreement - and if he moans/abuses etc say that the courts agreed X for a reason.

DaisyFlowerChain · 08/09/2014 07:59

Maybe his issues were about control or maybe it was the thought of not seeing his son daily. Faced the other way round, would you not have fought or maybe made stupid decisions out off of desperation?

Shared care can work great. EOW is very little time compared to yours, why not ask your son if he would like to do more. He can be involved in an informal conversation easily at that age.

PiperIsOrange · 08/09/2014 08:07

Stick with the court agreement. IMO a 5 year old is not mature enough to make this descion.

Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 08:13

daisy are you in a similar situation? I only ask as before I had children and then whem i was in a happy relationship I thought exactly this way.

I didn't understand why anyone would go to court, why they couldn't play nice, unless there was obvious abuse going on.

Then I saw my ds scream and yell when he did fifty fifty. As he has become older this has lestened but he was definitely unsettled at one.

Then I was investigated by ss made by nrp for false allegations which were thankfully dropped.

And followed by nrp.

And berated.

And threatened.

So yes, I get why he might have done this but please also understand that I too am nervous about going to that horrible place.

One is connected to the other. I wish I could compartmentalise my negative relationship with nrp with his positive relationship with our ds but I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 08:15

Also I envy shared care. I wish I could text nrp if I had an emergency appointment so he can have D's for afternoon. Only I can't as this would involve a flood of abuse.

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 08/09/2014 08:53

David Norgrove researched this as Australia as problems had manifested itself there. Despite his negative findings this government is going down the Australian route.

Well I do know of a couple if cases recently where shared care was awarded.

EarthWindFire · 08/09/2014 08:54

*of

Also shared care doesn't have to be exactly 50:50

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2014 09:05

Stick to the agreement for now and when your son is older he can decide but he is still abusing you the guilt you ar feeling and trying to placate him by extra days is residue from his abuse imo. Just keep to the days then you dont have to deal with him.

Original poster
fcukip · 08/09/2014 09:06

No, I realise that. Shared residence fifty fifty is being awarded despite the findings.

I think it can work, depending on the parents and personality of the child.

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 08/09/2014 09:10

the link doesnt seem to say much about shared care in general, just that it is not great to insist?
i am all in favour of 50:50 where both adults behave like adults, but it sounds like a weapon to control you with, op