Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to text my whereabouts all the time to DH?

35 replies

SBGA · 07/09/2014 22:27

DH refuses to plan his days off, it's just his personality, he tells me. That's fine, I've learned to try and be as accommodating as I can. It's not easy as I'm more of a planner - as much out of fairness to the other person and how it may impact on their time, as anything else, but I've tried to give him room to do it his way as much as is workable for a family of four.

So today DH had a lie-in while I got up at 6am to sort out our two DC. That's quite normal; we take it in turns. As per usual, I went upstairs for a catch-up 40 winks (had been up with DC in the night) around mid-morning when DH finally surfaced to take over from me.

DH had vaguely mentioned a loose plan to possibly meet a work friend with the DC some time today, but hadn't made contact yet with the other party, and it sounded like it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

I assumed DH would be still around when I got up an hour later, but the house was completely empty. I received no note or text so I had no idea where they'd gone or what time they would be home, or even what time they'd left the house. But I didn't mind as I guessed DH had either taken the DC to the park on a warm sunny day or perhaps had met up with his friend after all, and so I just carried on with my day.

I spontaneously decided to have lunch out and a bit of retail therapy, a rare treat without the DC in tow! I considered leaving a note for DH but decided against it in case I changed my mind. I then considered sending a text but was reluctant to as it felt too much like reporting to my parents and I didn't want to encroach on his time with his friends, you know, the wife who can't leave husband alone for five minutes type of scenario.

I then got a disgruntled phone call at 2:30pm demanding to know where I am because DH came home early expecting to find me at home but found the house empty!

Turns out DH wanted me to text him as soon as I knew I was leaving the house, with details of where I was and what time I would be back.

Apparently his reason for this was so he could plan his day better and not bring the children home too early. He said he finds them easier to cope with when out and about.

While I accept that, I pointed out that he didn't leave me a note or text and yet expected me to do that for him, which seems a bit controlling.

I always plan events around his diary and communicate this with him, and would expect the same from him if he wants to avoid me sitting at home like a prisoner waiting for him to come home!

But he is adamant: I am being unreasonable to refuse to text him. Every. Single. Time. When he doesn't offer the same.

Am I? Does everyone else live like that?

OP posts:
MoonlightandRoses · 07/09/2014 22:31

YANBU - sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander and all that...

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/09/2014 22:31

YANBU

as you said, why is it one rule for him and another for you?

rememberingnothing · 07/09/2014 22:32

No, we talk to each other and often ring each other during our days out to catch up and work out things like food etc but I most certainly not expected to text him my whereabouts. If he wants to know where I am he can ask, as can I.

BertieBotts · 07/09/2014 22:37

This sounds really confusing and yes of course you should have the same consideration he expects from you!

If he wanted to know your plans, or wanted to do something with you/hand over the DC to you later he should have left a note or woken you up. He can't expect you to read his mind and it's unreasonable to expect you to text him updating with what you're up to all the time.

BertieBotts · 07/09/2014 22:37

This sounds really confusing and yes of course you should have the same consideration he expects from you!

If he wanted to know your plans, or wanted to do something with you/hand over the DC to you later he should have left a note or woken you up. He can't expect you to read his mind and it's unreasonable to expect you to text him updating with what you're up to all the time.

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2014 22:43

Why on earth don't you both communicate?

Whichever method works; notes, text, actual phone calls.

Then everyone knows what's going on.

Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 22:43

Oh thank goodness for that. I was half bracing myself for everyone telling me that's what they do all the time, and that I'm being horribly unreasonable!

OP posts:
TheysayIamparanoid · 07/09/2014 22:44

^
what MoonlightandRoses said!
YANBU!

PatriciaHolm · 07/09/2014 22:46

TBH, if I had got up to an empty house I would have called DH to see what was going on - but then he wouldn't have left without telling me either. You need to talk to each other more! (And yes that does for him too)

PersonOfInterest · 07/09/2014 22:47

Intrigued... Why on earth does he think you should let him know what you're up to but he shouldn't reciprocate?

Sounds like he likes to keep you dangling and himself free and spontaneous.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 22:48

Turns out DH wanted me to text him as soon as I knew I was leaving the house, with details of where I was and what time I would be back.

Nope, if he can't do that for you, he can't expect it to happen for him. His choice.

Coolas · 07/09/2014 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 22:50

Nanny - it's more my style to plan the day but it's not his. If it were me, I'd have known who I was meeting and roughly when we'd be done, but he just doesn't work that way.

For example, next day off, I'm meeting a friend with DC, at lunchtime and will be finished at school pick-up. If DH isn't there when I'm back I'll assume he didn't want to be involved, because he would contact me to arrange it if he did. I certainly wouldn't call him demanding to know where he is; not would I want him yo have to report his every move to me. Is that what you mean by communicating?

OP posts:
Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 22:56

PersonOfInterest - in answer to your question, I think he might have assumed it would be obvious he was out with his friend. As it turns out he was for a while, then went to his DS's house for an hour.

I think you're right that he wants to be free to be spontaneous but also keep me dangling too!

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 07/09/2014 22:58

Most people don't work that way so I'm puzzled - if I'm meeting a friend I know what time I'm meeting them and I'm the most hopelessly disorganised person ever. Because the other person has a life too! They're not a soap character who sits about twiddling their thumbs until they need to interact with the all important me!

If DH and I are at home with DH and one of us goes out the other would assume they were free to do whatever, definitely not be expected to stay in. If waiting for a parcel or something we'd have mentioned this in advance and be aware of it and make sure somebody is at home. Similarly if I'm out with (or without) DS and I know DH is at home and I fancy meeting him I'll text or call and say "Do you want to come for lunch?"

The point is that the person needing or wanting contact/childcare/presence at home or whatever is the one who initiates contact. That sounds a bit businesslike but in practice it isn't at all, it's just common sense and practical to do things that way and "initiating contact" can be a word in advance, not a text or email or whatever. He's the one who isn't really communicating because he wanted something (to offload the kids it sounds like!) and was annoyed that you didn't magically know this and make your whereabouts known to him so he could drop off said children.

BertieBotts · 07/09/2014 23:00

The thing is he could still have been spontaneous? He could have texted you before or after he went to the second house and asked "Are you at home?" and then used that information to continue on his spontaneous way instead of assuming and then being annoyed when he got there and found he had assumed wrongly (which when you put it like that seems a bit silly to be annoyed at you for!)

Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 23:02

You're absolutely right, he at least was honest about his intentions to 'share the load' as he put it.

The truth is, he was expecting to be out all afternoon but his friend left early to put the baby to bed so left him hanging a bit.

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/09/2014 23:04

So essentially his need for knowledge of your whereabouts and plans is greater than yours for his? Thats not how a partnersjip works. I dont understand why he cant see that.

Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 23:06

He said he was annoyed because if he's have known my koans he would have stayed out - he mentioned visiting his DM with the DC.

I forgot to ask why, once he learned I wasn't at home, he didn't just turn around and walk straight back out of the door to his DM who lives two roads away rather than get mad!

OP posts:
mrsmaturin · 07/09/2014 23:08

I can see why he would be annoyed to get home to an empty house and no idea where you were but the same is true of you when you woke up. He should have left you a note and then you could have added to it. Dh and I would do a note or text in those circs.

scallopsrgreat · 07/09/2014 23:11

And what about stuff you may have wanted to do/could have planned, if you'd known what he was doing?

Sounds like he thinks his life is more important than yours.

SugarSkully · 07/09/2014 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 07/09/2014 23:13

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

MistressDeeCee · 07/09/2014 23:27

Some people in life are just troublesome. Its the basis of many arguments between couples, when it comes down to it. 1 person being a "1 rule for me another for you" pest.

The unfairness of not affording you the same courtesy re. knowing whereabouts is part of the tiresome game that can enable these disputes to go back and forth; he knows that you know he is being unfair and that you will go on and on.

I couldnt be bothered with all that, Id just take away the joy of his mindgame and stop playing. Say "ok you are right" and then carry on exactly as I'd done before. Life is too short for some things. Bit "control freak/Im more important than you so do as I say" tho..but you would probably know how to handle that aspect of him

Original poster
SBGA · 07/09/2014 23:29

Sugarskully - the great thing about arguments is you don't often choose them so much as find yourself in them, especially if you're responding to an angry partner!

Would you have rolled over and agreed to anything asked of you for sake of a peaceful life?

OP posts: