Refusing to text my whereabouts all the time to DH?

[SBGA]

DH refuses to plan his days off, it's just his personality, he tells me. That's fine, I've learned to try and be as accommodating as I can. It's not easy as I'm more of a planner - as much out of fairness to the other person and how it may impact on their time, as anything else, but I've tried to give him room to do it his way as much as is workable for a family of four.

So today DH had a lie-in while I got up at 6am to sort out our two DC. That's quite normal; we take it in turns. As per usual, I went upstairs for a catch-up 40 winks (had been up with DC in the night) around mid-morning when DH finally surfaced to take over from me.

DH had vaguely mentioned a loose plan to possibly meet a work friend with the DC some time today, but hadn't made contact yet with the other party, and it sounded like it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

I assumed DH would be still around when I got up an hour later, but the house was completely empty. I received no note or text so I had no idea where they'd gone or what time they would be home, or even what time they'd left the house. But I didn't mind as I guessed DH had either taken the DC to the park on a warm sunny day or perhaps had met up with his friend after all, and so I just carried on with my day.

I spontaneously decided to have lunch out and a bit of retail therapy, a rare treat without the DC in tow! I considered leaving a note for DH but decided against it in case I changed my mind. I then considered sending a text but was reluctant to as it felt too much like reporting to my parents and I didn't want to encroach on his time with his friends, you know, the wife who can't leave husband alone for five minutes type of scenario.

I then got a disgruntled phone call at 2:30pm demanding to know where I am because DH came home early expecting to find me at home but found the house empty!

Turns out DH wanted me to text him as soon as I knew I was leaving the house, with details of where I was and what time I would be back.

Apparently his reason for this was so he could plan his day better and not bring the children home too early. He said he finds them easier to cope with when out and about.

While I accept that, I pointed out that he didn't leave me a note or text and yet expected me to do that for him, which seems a bit controlling.

I always plan events around his diary and communicate this with him, and would expect the same from him if he wants to avoid me sitting at home like a prisoner waiting for him to come home!

But he is adamant: I am being unreasonable to refuse to text him. Every. Single. Time. When he doesn't offer the same.

Am I? Does everyone else live like that?

Mistressdeecee - I smiled and cringed at your suggestion at the same time! I take your point about refusing to argue, but I can't bring myself to pretend I agree if I don't. If it happened again he's then got my word to throw back at me, and rightly do if a say I intend to comply but actually don't.

I like your idea about refusing to enter arguments but I think I'd have to find a different way to achieve that.

If he wanted to know where you were and hadn't heard from you, why didn't he call/text you to ask? Does he expect you to be telepathic?

As for knowing how to deal with a controlling DH ... Apart from digging my heels in and remaining rational and fair myself, I'm not sure how else to deal with it.

Exexpat - he'd probably argue that's what he WAS doing then he called at 2:30!

I think there's a difference between letting other members of the family know what you're up to and whether you expect to back for tea (which is civil family communication) and feeling you have to negotiate permission for every hour out of the house and expect to face a row if you are later than expected or change plans on the spur of the moment. Sound like you two need to do a bit more of the former but maybe your DH feels like it's the latter? He is being a bit U though

No - just am going to X,(or just 'out') will poss be back by Y time. See you later.

No permission, no blow-by-blow account. Just a rough guide to what you're doing.

I would suggest a reciprocal arrangement -

"so are we going to let each other know roughly what our plans are in future - I'll be happy to do that if you will?"

If he says no then you probably need to ask him why he wants you to let him know but wont be extending the same courtesy. Ask him why its different for you.

I can't believe someone has suggested just saying "ok will do" but having no intention of doing so. Sounds incredibly unhelpful, childish and like it will aggravate the situation. What you need is better communication, not worse!

He does sound a little controlling but I suspect its more about habit and laziness

Being the "someone" who suggested saying ok - I was married for 7 years to someone who did the exact same things, amongst other things. However reasonable I was, he wouldnt listen. Being unreasonable was what he loved..a case of fanning the flames. Its what narcissists do. If they were reasonable in the 1st place you'd hardly be having the "why is it 1 rule for me and another for you" discussion in the 1st place, would you? He'd just let her know he was going to be out - which is quite normal - & that would be that.

The OPs words reminded me of some of the stuff I had to put up with, which is why I responded the way I did. Any attempt by the victim to be reasonable is met with yet another "challenge" and also, the perpetrator reverting to the same behaviour in order to cause as much distress and anxiety as possible. Maybe OPs DH has narcissistic tendencies, maybe not..but this is 1 of the signs..there are enough narc victim forums outlining it.

Living with a narcissist is hell - being childish is the least of your worries when someone wants to induce unfair, crazymaking behaviour which sounds small to others but is horrid to live with, and becomes worse. Reasonableness cannot stand in the face of wilful unreasonableness, you end up saying "ok" whilst in your mind thinking of strategies to get the hell out, after its gone on long enough

I ended up having to report where I was going all the time. It was gradual. He, of course, always had an excuse for never saying where he was going..."its just the way I am". Any question or decent would lead to an argument..minimising what one is doing is an easy get-out from having to actually day "sorry I know Im being unfair, lets just keep each other informed of whereabouts in reasonable fashion and forget this"

OP your DHs stance towards you on this has to do with control. You have to report your whereabouts - he doesnt. Hope you find a way to deal with it in whatever way suits you best

If I woke up and the house was empty, I would call to see where everyone was. That's just normal behaviour to me. I wouldn't expect them to wake me up to say they were going out and I wouldn't expect them to call me because they wouldn't know when I was going to be awake.

I understand there are other issues regarding communication and how you plan your days but in this example, I don't think it was UR for your DH to think you would have contacted him when you woke up.