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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go on holiday without one of my children, but to also be unable to see an alternative?

43 replies

PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:21

DH gets one week off during the summer holidays, when we have my DSC. We have a 2 yo and as of October will have a newborn, plus I have a 6 yo from my previous marriage. My exH is taking me to court for extra contact - previously he's had no holiday contact by his own choice. Now he wants the first three weeks of the summer holidays, when DHs week off always falls (as well exH knows.)

The week DH is off is the only time he can have a holiday with the majority of the DC but obviously that means DD misses out if her father is granted the contact he is asking for. Her father constantly tells her that he's her only and real family and that I love DH and her new siblings more. If we do something when she isn't here(even little things like going swimming) he'll tell her that he would never do something without her because families do things together so we clearly don't see her as a proper part of the family Hmm

I don't want to give him more ammunition to upset DD, but at the same time - she'll have holidays withhim so why should her siblings sit around waiting for her return, and miss out on a holiday with their dad?

Aibu to not want to go without her and cause upset but also unable to see a way round it?

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 07/09/2014 22:23

I wouldn't as your playing straight into exs cruel and danaging behaviour.

Nanny0gg · 07/09/2014 22:26

Is there a reason to think the courts won't see your POV?

I wouldn't go without her though, it's playing into your ex's hands.

jamtoast12 · 07/09/2014 22:26

I wouldn't - a child will find that very hurtful.

Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:26

But long term, we can't not do anything without her - particularly if she is gone for three weeks - it'd just lead to resentment from her siblings.

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 07/09/2014 22:27

cant you explain to court? sorry if that sounds naive

Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:28

Holiday aside, he (And therefore she) expects that we won't go for any days out/swimming/to the library - anywhere - without her 'or she's not part of the family'. Conveniently forgetting that exH goes on holiday without her every year...

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 07/09/2014 22:29

Why doesn't he have the last three weeks instead? It doesn't sound as though what he is proposing is in your dd's best interests. I think you have a good case to argue that, as dd then gets to go on holiday with her siblings and see her dad as well.

Boysclothes · 07/09/2014 22:29

I wouldn't the first year. Ultimately children that small won't get much out of a holiday anyway. And perhaps I wouldn't want to be too far away when DD went to her dads for the first time for an extended period. Send DH for a hol with DSC and have a hol with your kids in the half term?

The second year maybe contact will have broken down, or if not you can talk with DD lots and lots about going away, plan exciting day trips with for when she is with you etc etc.

Littlefish · 07/09/2014 22:30

Could you agree to the three weeks, but not consecutively?

Is your dh restricted in which week he is able to take for his holiday? If so, I think I would write to the court and explain how important you feel it is for you to be able to take all the children away together in the interest of family unity.

Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:30

I will explain to court when the time comes, but whether they listen or not is another thing.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 07/09/2014 22:32

Summer holidays are a year away now. Is there not the possibility of your DH changing his arrangements with his employer given the timing?

It's not a pleasant situation, but are your children not a little too young to feel resentment of this situation? At this age, do they understand about holidays and going away such that they can talk about it with their sister when she comes back. With teenagers, it might be a different situation.

Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:33

Yes, DH is restricted which exH knows which is why he's specifically asking for that week and will not budge.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 07/09/2014 22:34

If he refuses to budge, then why can't you refuse to budge too (or is that just ridiculously simplistic.

Tell him he can have any 3 weeks he likes, apart from that one - offer him several different options.

That way, when you go to court, you can produce evidence that you have tried to be reasonable and flexible.

Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:35

DSC are older than DD, so they'll talk about it. I cant lie to her and pretend we've been sitting home waiting for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeppaPug · 07/09/2014 22:37

He's saying he wants that week because it's his birthday week and by saying no I'm saying DH is more important than him Confused

OP posts:
EverythingCounts · 07/09/2014 22:40

'His birthday week?' He will sound like a petulant 9 year old saying that to a judge. Agree with LittleFish - show you have tried desperately to be reasonable and your wish is for your DD to have the best time possible with all branches of the family. Seriously, go to court, put this on the table and show him that you won't give in to bullying.

thegreylady · 07/09/2014 22:45

To you your dh is much more important than him of course, that is as it should be. He can have his three weeks in the holidays but not consecutive, that is too long for your dd to be away as he seems to be trying to undermine your family dynamic. If you explain the situation in court and say that that is the only week he cannot have her, then I am sure they will understand. I would also keep any evidence of him saying you don't love her if you do things when she isn't there. You may well dind the court is sypathetic. They want what is best for the child and he is being cruel and unfair.

306235388 · 07/09/2014 22:49

I don't think there's any point worrying until you see what the court decides. In the meantime you can prepare how you're going to argue your poinT.

Your dh must get more than one weeks holiday per year ?

cestlavielife · 07/09/2014 22:50

The bigger thing is finding a way to support dd and counter what her dad is telling her...with. Simple facts. Reassuring her that you still love her regardless of what you do when she isn't there. Ask her if daddy does not go anywhere when she isn't with him...
No you can't have whole family waiting for her to come back to go out the house... She is presumably having fun with dad.,,

If that particular week is so important to both sides then offer alternative years ? Depends whether a judge agrees her dad s birthday takes precedent over step dad s week off work,,,, hard to imagine that week off cannot be changed tho ? Doesn't your h get statutory four weeks off ? Or has he negotiated that week with his ex ?

EverythingCounts · 07/09/2014 23:14

I've known people who worked in a factory and had a specific week off because they had a total closedown, and then whoever booked it first got the weeks either side but it wasn't open to everyone to do so. The OP's DH may be in a similar situation.

PhaedraIsMyName · 08/09/2014 00:04

Depends whether a judge agrees her dad s birthday takes precedent over step dad s week off work

I'm afraid I would see her father wanting her to be with him on his birthday as more important than what a step-father wants.

BramwellBrown · 08/09/2014 01:49

Explain to the judge that its the only week you can go on holiday as a family and about your ex trying to make DD feel shes not part of your family, what her step-father wants isn't important to the court but her need to be part of your family will trump exes desire to have her round on his birthday

desertgirl · 08/09/2014 03:49

Phaedra, it isn't what the stepfather wants, it is what her mother wants - the father's wish to be with her on his birthday vs. the mother's wish to take her on a family holiday in the only week that is possible. With the extra evidence that the mother has been reasonable and flexible and the father has not.

And the key issue isn't what either parent wants, it is what is best for the child.... feeling left out of a family holiday or missing being with her dad on his actual birthday?

Madamecastafiore · 08/09/2014 04:59

You need to address this with the court. They will see that dds time with the family and participating in the family holiday is more important than her being present for his birthday.

Do you both have solicitors? Get yours to write to his stating why his demands cannot be met, offering him another 3 weeks.

You will be seen as the rational one and he will come off as the prick that's he is (especially if you ensure that it is known that he hasn't had holiday contact before).

It's easy to get strung out about these things but just try and put it all across as what us best for DD, don't mention him trying to be difficult or anything. State clearly that it is important for your dd to be included in the yearly family holiday. Maybe ask why it is not possible for him to have her for any if the other 5 weeks.

nooka · 08/09/2014 05:11

No holidays to three weeks in a row seems like a massive jump in any case. How long has your dd spent with him to date? If not more than a weekend then I'd argue that three weeks is much too long, as your dd may find being apart from you for so long quite distressing. I'd offer alternate arrangements, perhaps a week at the beginning of the holidays and a week at the end, plus time at Christmas and Easter that work for you. If your ex sticks out for the precise week that impacts your summer holiday then it will be pretty obvious he is not trying to benefit his daughter, but rather mess up her normal family life.

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