to not want to go on holiday without one of my children, but to also be unable to see an alternative?

[PeppaPug]

DH gets one week off during the summer holidays, when we have my DSC. We have a 2 yo and as of October will have a newborn, plus I have a 6 yo from my previous marriage. My exH is taking me to court for extra contact - previously he's had no holiday contact by his own choice. Now he wants the first three weeks of the summer holidays, when DHs week off always falls (as well exH knows.)

The week DH is off is the only time he can have a holiday with the majority of the DC but obviously that means DD misses out if her father is granted the contact he is asking for. Her father constantly tells her that he's her only and real family and that I love DH and her new siblings more. If we do something when she isn't here(even little things like going swimming) he'll tell her that he would never do something without her because families do things together so we clearly don't see her as a proper part of the family

I don't want to give him more ammunition to upset DD, but at the same time - she'll have holidays withhim so why should her siblings sit around waiting for her return, and miss out on a holiday with their dad?

Aibu to not want to go without her and cause upset but also unable to see a way round it?

IME it is unlikely the court will grant three consecutive weeks away off the bat from her normal routine if your dd has never spent more than a couple of days away from you, unless there is evidence that she is a.particularly mature or independent person. I think you can argue easily for the three weeks' holiday to be spread over the year, to acclimatise your dd to the new situation.

The fact it is his birthday will not hold any weight in court.

If it's a summer holiday, we're talking about next July and August. Is there really no-one at DH's work who would swop allocated weeks?

Or is it that his DSC's mother is being inflexible too? That might make your case harder to argue, because if one gets choice of holiday dates then why not the other? (Not saying that's necessarily right, btw, just a line of reasoning you need to be ready to deal with).

Rearranging the holiday week would of course totally wrongfoot XH, so would have certain satisfactions.

Regardless of how this holiday's admin pans out, I think 3 weeks consecutive is rather long and looking at 3 separate weeks or 2+1 might be a better pattern.

I agree that three weeks is too long straight off - she's only been with him/away from home for three nights at most before and he doesn't let her call me or answer when I ask how she is.

He'll be horrible to DD whatever happens - if she's there he'll tell her I love her siblings more/she's not a part of our family because we've done things without her, if she's here he'll make her feel guilty that she isn't there for his birthday and then she blames me for him being alone. Even though he has a new girlfriend and child! Just wish he'd stop messing with her head.

If you don't get the dates you want from the courts, I second the suggestion that DH takes his children away and you stay home with the baby. The baby won't know any different. You can always do a weekend at some other point with all of you.

Offer to alternate the week every other year, fair to both sides then. He has as much right to request that week as you do. In blended families, there has to be a lot of compromise and inventive ideas at times.

I think the court will prioritise your week together, your ex's birthday isn't really relevant to the best interests of your dd.

Let me get this straight. Your ex is insisting he should have your DD on the only holiday week when you can go away as a family with your new DH? And he's doing this basically so he can use a situation he created as evidence for turning your DD against you? There. are. no. words. for how much of a cunt he is to try something like that.

I am in the exact situation. You can't please everyone.

Either adjust his holiday contact with her so he has her on a different week.

Or go on holiday without her. Does he take her abroad? That means she will have experiences her siblings won't have.

Life isn't fair. You can only do your best.

daisy stay at home with the baby! Nice?! Just so abusive ex can get his way?

Please op! Don't let him mess with your life via your daughter.

Is there really no-one at DH's work who would swop allocated weeks?

I would assume everyone else will also be making holiday plans within a very restrictive set of rules. If you had been fortunate enough to get the prime week's holiday you wanted in the summer, would you swap it and give up your family holiday plans for a colleague? I don't think this is likely. And if the ex would behave like a halfway reasonable human being there would be no need to.

Also, re the 'stay with the baby' suggestion, how does that mean that OP's DH can go on holiday with 'his' children? The baby's his. He'd just end up taking the middle child. No point.

Mum deserves a holiday! Its not nice to stay at home. And 2 year old and dh would want her there. If mum stays at home that doesn't improve situation, its just to show eldest that she is martyring herself for dd's feelings.

DH and DSC want the two youngest and I there. By saying I'll stay home I'm effectively saying DD is the most important which isn't fair on the other DC.

Is ex's birthday in the time you would be away ?

Is there no other time during the year you can go on holiday? can DH get time off at easter or one of the half term breaks?

What about going for a couple of weekend breaks instead of a longer holiday.

You need to work on dd learning that she is not responsible for her dad s well being .
Get some professional help in supporting dd. she is hearing different things and needs help to make sense of it. Guilt blame jealousy. How can you support her? Unless you stop contact you cannot stop ex being "horrible " but you need to reassure dd.

If he tells her he is alone when he isn't point this out.
Some sessions with a family therapist for you and for dd might help clarify. Some sessions together with your ex eg trained mediator.

You can't be held to ransome over things your ex might say to dd. or do you hear him say them to her?

There must be other weekends you h and dscs and dd can go away altogether.
So she misses that week but gets time with her dad. And other times with you h etc. that's life isn't it ?

However if this goes to court tell them you have family holiday booked for week xxx. Offer alternate week. You will be seen as reasonable.
Let judge decide.

Find a way to reassure dd and support her. Do you have her word for what he tells her or from him?

What does dd draw when you ask her to draw her family ? How does she see it in her head ? Do the dsc also move between mum and dad ?

For gods sake just tell your ex that your daughter is going on holiday that particular week and he will have to have her the week after.

Why should your daughter miss out? To be fair your youngest two won't really be missing out on anything if you decide to stay at home.

"By saying I'll stay home I'm effectively saying DD is the most important which isn't fair on the other DC"

That is just not true. By saying you'll stay home you are effectively saying DD is the only member of the family currently adversely effected by the controlling and subversive tactics of a non-resident parent (something you hope to address through the legal system, but that will take time and it may not be resolved for the next holiday).

I would hope that your DH would recognise that and understand that with regards to this particular issue your DD's circumstances are different and therefore warrant this consideration. I would specially hope that he understands that sadly, in the short term anyway, you may not be able to join him and DSC on holiday and you need him to support you on this.

Not absolving your ex at all for his nasty behavior, but does your DH only get one week holiday a year?

ADish I suspect OPs DH only has this week off when all the children are also off school, not only this week in the whole year.

I've been lucky this year - got two weeks at Xmas and one in summer holidays. Doesn't always fall that way if you work somewhere that is open year round.