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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be increasingly pissed off with my dsis.

40 replies

Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:08

This could be a long one.

Dsis is clearly not amused by me. She hasn't said as much but let me explain.

It seems she's on her 2nd round of IVF. Everyone else has known since the first round. My mum, dad, other sister and other close family members. Apparently they're all under strick instructions not to tell meHmm. I'm neither dead nor stupid and I guessed something was going on at Christmas time. Seems I was right. Also seems my other sister can't keep a secret and neither can my mum who have both told me what's going on because they think its unfair that I shouldn't know but are getting the hormonal brunt from IVF sister. IVF sister doesn't know that I know and still hasn't said anything to me even though I know the rest of the family have seen recent scan pictures and are getting the full low down on the ongoing process. Why she hasn't said anything is beyond me. I've had 3 miscarriages and have 2 children. I work with women who are having trouble conceiving ffs!

We had some work done on out house 8 weeks ago. A new bathroom that was fitted by IVF sisters friend. It was all done above board, quotes received, materials discussed price agreed. Seems our bath is a special bath and therefore needs different fittings which cost more. The type of bath came as no surprise to the plumber as it was discussed in detail. He came to check we had all necessary parts the night before work started and nothing was said. End invoice came in at £400 under what we'd agreed. We checked it and was assured it was correct. IVF sister has decided we have done over her friend who has told his wife he's made no profit on the job due to our choice of bath Angry and he was none the wiser. My sister is discussed with us clearly only knows half the story but refuses to talk to me or be with me for more than 2 mins. This is due to the IVF situation and has been like this for almost a year now.

I'm getting increasingly fed up with this charade now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:10

That's disgusted not discussed.

OP posts:
cees · 07/09/2014 20:19

Maybe she feels you will heap unwanted advice about her situation on her. If I were having trouble conceiving and a family member worked in that field then I'd bend their ear no end but she doesn't want to for some reason.

How did you both get on before she started trying for a baby? It is so hard to be left out and not given the chance to add your own support to your sister but you should just carry on as normal (no matter how hard) and hopefully she will come round on her own.

EverythingIsAwesome · 07/09/2014 20:19

These are 2 separate situations.

Why would she instruct everyone to keep the IVF a secret from you? What is the background to this?

Contact the plumber yourself to query the price of his work.

Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:21

I always thought we got in really well. I'd tell her stuff, go round with the children. She'd be interested in the kids and what we were doing. She tell is about her plans etc. We would get cross with each other but accept that's just us. I was of the impression we would do anything for each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:23

Already contacted plumber to check quote. He said nothing. No idea why we're not being included in the IVF thing. I would not bend her ear id let her get on with it but make myself available if she wanted me.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 20:25

Are you the only one of her siblings with children?

Are you younger than her?

I think it's odd that she would want the information kept from you, specifically. Not least because your mum and other sister don't seem able to adhere to that anyway.

Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:25

Other sister has kids of a similar age. Yes I'm the youngest.

OP posts:
redexpat · 07/09/2014 20:26

She probably doesnt want any however well meaning advice from you.

The bathroom thing is perhaps skewing her judgement and adding fuel to her fire IYSWIM.

You can either confront her about it (by which I dont mean go in all guns blazing, but bring up the subject in a 'I cant help but notice that our relationship seems to have changed recently. Have I done something that's upset you?).

OR get someone else to do the digging. Is your Mum onside?

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/09/2014 20:27

Maybe she feels more "in competition" with you, because you're the youngest? That isn't to say that she sees having children as a competition but when your younger siblings are achieving something you haven't and want, it can be hard.

Could you have a chat with her and say you've noticed she hasn't seemed herself lately, see where it goes?

cees · 07/09/2014 20:31

Rinky, I meant if I were going through IVF I would be glad to have you there to get advice from.

This is very odd as you are or were close. I think it is quite mean to exclude you but if you bring it up she will likely go apeshit because someone didn't keep her secret. No matter what you do or say you will come out the one in the wrong.

Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 20:32

I am hoping she will tell me about the IVF or at least confirm her pregnancy at some point before a baby arrives. It's at this point I thought I'd congratulate her and say how pleased I was that the treatment had worked.

She's becoming increasingly more snippy with me. Vague, distant and defensive. This will be hormones in sure of it but my patience is wearing very thin.

OP posts:
travailtotravel · 07/09/2014 20:40

I'd be very direct about the bathroom issue - she is meddling with that. By being more open with each other perhaps the other might come to the fore.

I am probably not to be listened to but I'd be saying smething along the lines of "and one of the ladies I work with has been keeping it secret from some of here family but not others - imagine that!" - but as I say that might not be the best line of attack in reality Grin

MaryWestmacott · 07/09/2014 20:46

How about drop the pretense, call her and say "hi Dsis, mum tells me congratuations are in order! I'm really happy for you, when are you due?" Don't mention how she got pregnant, just focus on the good news.

It could be that you are the younger, and while it was 'natural' that your older sister had a baby before her, when you did it, it might have been harder to deal with. That as you've been through miscarriages yourself and work with woman TTC you would want to talk to her about it from a position of being more knowledgable about what she was going through than her. When she talks to your mum, she's the one telling your mum about it, with you, you'd be telling her stuff she might not know.

You would know everything she was saying and might be a little tempted to offer advice before being asked for it, or say "when I..." making her massive life change a bit about you (not deliberate, but it can feel that way). The plumber issue seems to fit with this, like she likes to be the one who is in the know, who is incharge/control. It might be harder for her to maintain this position with someone who knows more about what she's going through.

Anyway, for whatever reason, there's games being played in your family, stop playing by just calling her and congratulating her on her pregnancy. Later on you might be able to say "mum said you went through IVF, I'm so glad it worked for you." offering no comment further unless she wants to talk about it.

flanjabelle · 07/09/2014 20:46

I think you need to ask her what her problem is to be honest.

Evabeaversprotege · 07/09/2014 21:07

So is she actually pregnant then?

The bathroom issue is separate and nothing to do with her.

HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 21:14

You sound more annoyed about being in the dark than sympathetic to your sister. With the whole 'ffs' thing it sounds more about you than her, even though she's been the one having medical treatment.

Is she definitely pregnant? Perhaps she's had bleeds or something else worrying going on and is worried about telling people and then having to 'untell' them? Is there any way you might've offended her (even if not your fault!) and she's not speaking to you because of this?

She does sound difficult but I agree with the others that the bathroom is a separate issue to whatever is going on in her personal life.

IME I'd offer her a little leeway for the hormones, and a bit more for the fact that IVF is an absolutely horrendous rollercoaster regardless of hormones. I'd stop being offended that you're not in the know and wait for her to tell you.

Could you drop her a text or FB message just saying 'is everything all right with you at the mo? Miss our chats' or something?

Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 21:37

2 x Embryos are implanted were waiting to see if they've taken. They didn't take on her first attempt. She tests this week. Of course I don't know any of thisHmm

She can't be worried about people knowing as everyone else knows except me at her instruction.

It can't get more personal than directly excluding your sister from something your willing to share with the rest of your family. That specifically makes it about me not about her situation.

I'm very aware of how horrendous pregnancies and IVF can be. I've had miscarriages at every stage of pregnancy. Two successful pregnancies that had me in hospital with sickness, incompetent cervix, blood pressure, liver problems and severe SPD. Traumatic births. Followed by two serious episodes of PND. She knows all of this.

None of us have breezed through pregnancy. My other sister also struggled yet she's not been excluded and is treated like a normal person and isn't be avoided.

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 21:46

I still think you're being unfair. Waiting for the test result is the worst bit. She must be on tenterhooks.

I didn't tell my brother when I was going through treatment, but I did tell my mum and dad. Think all the inlaws knew. Wasn't personal to my brother, we just aren't that close and I didn't want the burden of expectation on me to conceive.

I've miscarried too. All of that stuff is shit. Doesn't take away from the fact that right now she is going through something, not you.

Chill out a bit. She may well be 'being unreasonable' but until you know why she isn't telling you, or something else happens, it might just be she's being reticent.

Original poster
Rinkydinkypink · 07/09/2014 21:48

Thank you for being honest hamster. I

OP posts:
BuilderMammy · 07/09/2014 21:54

Maybe she knows you've had a tough time and doesn't want to worry you?

HopefulHamster · 07/09/2014 21:56

for what it's worth, I'd still be hurt if I were you and the bathroom stuff is super annoying!

Icimoi · 07/09/2014 22:02

I'm confused about the issue with the bath. Fittings were more expensive yet the plumber invoiced you for £400 less than the estimate? And he's allegedly feeling ripped off although presumably no-one told him he had to invoice less? So how has your choice of bath affected his profits?

maddening · 07/09/2014 22:06

Can you not just ask her what is wrong - say you have noticed that she is behaving differently towards you but you don't know why, that if she can't tell you then you'll always be there for her and still love her as much as ever.

diddl · 07/09/2014 22:08

Very odd that she has singled you out.

But also I'd be pissed off with other family members for telling you tbh.

Your fed up with the "charade"Hmm, but to her there isn't one is there?

Your mum & other sis should be owning up that they have told you.

diddl · 07/09/2014 22:10

Your?? oh dear lord, you're of course.

Not all that sure what the bath has to do with anything & why you didn't just tell her that her friend accepted the job knowing that you already had the bath.

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