To be increasingly pissed off with my dsis.

[Rinkydinkypink]

This could be a long one.

Dsis is clearly not amused by me. She hasn't said as much but let me explain.

It seems she's on her 2nd round of IVF. Everyone else has known since the first round. My mum, dad, other sister and other close family members. Apparently they're all under strick instructions not to tell me. I'm neither dead nor stupid and I guessed something was going on at Christmas time. Seems I was right. Also seems my other sister can't keep a secret and neither can my mum who have both told me what's going on because they think its unfair that I shouldn't know but are getting the hormonal brunt from IVF sister. IVF sister doesn't know that I know and still hasn't said anything to me even though I know the rest of the family have seen recent scan pictures and are getting the full low down on the ongoing process. Why she hasn't said anything is beyond me. I've had 3 miscarriages and have 2 children. I work with women who are having trouble conceiving ffs!

We had some work done on out house 8 weeks ago. A new bathroom that was fitted by IVF sisters friend. It was all done above board, quotes received, materials discussed price agreed. Seems our bath is a special bath and therefore needs different fittings which cost more. The type of bath came as no surprise to the plumber as it was discussed in detail. He came to check we had all necessary parts the night before work started and nothing was said. End invoice came in at £400 under what we'd agreed. We checked it and was assured it was correct. IVF sister has decided we have done over her friend who has told his wife he's made no profit on the job due to our choice of bath and he was none the wiser. My sister is discussed with us clearly only knows half the story but refuses to talk to me or be with me for more than 2 mins. This is due to the IVF situation and has been like this for almost a year now.

I'm getting increasingly fed up with this charade now.

Can you pick up the phone and find out what beef she seems to have with you?

Yes that right . We agreed an initial price, asked to reduce it by so much by changing the fixtures and fitting (taps, tiles, type of shower etc). Agreed a second figure and then he invoiced us for 400 under once work was done. When we queried it he said it was correct! I suspect what's happened with the bath situation is the plumber has made a cock up with his charges. Has told his wife a story removing the blame from himself but putting it on us and she has gone to my sis with that information.

Sister did come back with a load of shit about how plumber did the job as a favour to her at a low price as we were apparently desperate!

We weren't desperate. It took 8 weeks to arrange a date for the work to be done and that was only because I suggested a certain date. We then waited another 6 weeks. We contacted the plumber directly, not through my dsis and quotes invoices were done with descriptions of materials and included labour charges, tax etc. We even discussed whether the bath we wanted was suitable for the space before we bought it and arranged delivery. All done with the advice of the plumber!

I think i would give her space at the moment, whatever her reasons (and it might be something you never dreamed of) she decided on this route and she doesn't need any added stress at the min. My friend had ivf and didn't tell a mutual friend because her husband has a big mouth and she didn't want the whole world knowing! I can see why you would be a bit miffed but i don't know about u but i was a bit mad at times when i was preggers and the hormones for ivf are very strong so that might account for some of the choices (and problems e.g. Bathroom drama) she is making. Good luck

Phone her up, say she seems off with you & is everything OK?

of course you're pissed off that she told others & not you, but obviously, she can confide in who she wants to.

The connection between the two things is my dsis attitude towards me. It's getting increasingly worse. She's throwing far more at me than I would every normally accept had I not know about the treatment. Maybe that's why my mum and sis chose to tell me.

It's me that's getting the outbursts and nastiness from her. It's almost like she thinks because I don't know then I'm fair game to be her mood swing outlet.

What do your mother and sister think is the reason for her doing this? Have they said anything to her about it? Because in your other sister's place I would be telling IVF sister to rein it in, pronto.

I think your mother shouldn't have told you. Your sister didn't want to tell you and you have no "right" to know.

Your sister should butt out of the bath issue. You should butt out of her medical issues.

I think your whole family needs a lesson in privacy and space.

Look the IVF business is really not about you so you need to stop being all angsty about it and grow up a bit. I mean that in the kindest way and believe me I do know what it's like to know something is up and not know the details and then be told and not able to tell... but really, you not being able to discuss it is nothing compared to how she must be feeling not being able to conceive and have all the hormonal horribleness of IVF. Be the bigger person here.

The other stuff with the plumber, again you need to grow up and be the bigger person. State calmly that you have checked the bill with plumber and all is above board and as far as you are all concerned a fair price was agreed and paid and you cannot understand why she is bothered about other people's business and she should mind her own because you are not prepare to discuss it with her and don't want to hear any more about it.

"I've had 3 miscarriages and have 2 children. I work with women who are having trouble conceiving ffs!"

^that right there will be why!

I couldn't bear to be around a "know it all" midwife friend for the whole of my pregnancy. I screened her calls. I had enough swimming round in my head without her constant unsolicited advice. She probably doesn't want to hear any of your "horrendous" stories/experiences right now until she's got over a few hurdles and is more emotionally able to brush it off.

"I'm very aware of how horrendous pregnancies and IVF can be. I've had miscarriages at every stage of pregnancy. Two successful pregnancies that had me in hospital with sickness, incompetent cervix, blood pressure, liver problems and severe SPD. Traumatic births. Followed by two serious episodes of PND. She knows all of this." Am of course sorry to hear all that, however it can be hard to hear horror stories when you are embarking on a pregnancy.

I think your other family members were out of line telling you, and I think you should tell them so and also tell them that you will know not to confide in them in future.

Fire the plummer - they're unprofessional and the types to move the goal posts.

I can understand why, if you work with women with infertility issues, that she kept her own treatment from you - she wouldn't have wanted you having more inside knowledge, and possibly she thought you would treat her like one of your "clients" (if that's what they are). Maybe she just can't stand the thought that her little sister knows more about it than she does, who knows! But I "get" that.

What doesn't make sense in that context is her picking on you for other stuff. She may have the wrong end of the stick re. the plumbing job, and from what you've said she does, but it's nonsensical for her to be snippy with you about it. If the plumber, her friend, had a problem with it then he should have come back to you - I'm guessing that you're right, he's cocked up somewhere and his wife has picked up on the cost disparity, so he's blaming you - but that just doesn't follow! It's not like he's charged you X and you've only paid him X minus Y, is it - you've paid what he's charged!

I am someone who loathes injustice wherever it's levelled, so if she's being snippy with you directly about the plumbing incident, then I'd be scanning the invoice and probably my cheque stub too to email to her, to show her that you've paid what was charged. You can't rip someone off with their complicity, that's not ripping off.

Just back off from your sister, let her go through it without any interference and if she starts on you, then say you don't have to put up with it, you're not her punchbag.

With the bath thing surely the cost of the bath makes no difference. If you chose a cheaper bath that would not make a difference to the profit he made from the job. He has obviously underestimated his labour costs. Maybe the job took longer than he thought.

Or did he buy the more expensive fittings for the other bath and you then changed your mind on what bath you wanted?

Argue with smellysocks and thumbwitch about her possible reasons for keeping IVF from you.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I think your mum and other sister were way out of line. It wasn't their confidence to share. If she has specifically said she doesn't want you to know they should have respected that regardless of her reasons. I also don't know why you can't accept that for whatever reason she didn't want you to know. Anyone who has been through IVF will say about the massive emotional toll it takes - why add to it?

Could it be a money issue?

What reason had she given your mother and sister for not wanting you to know??