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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH should just leave the hall light on?

65 replies

ShadowStar · 07/09/2014 09:48

DS1 (3yrs) likes us to leave the hall light on and his door open when he goes to sleep. He gets upset if it's too dark. We've tried a few nightlights, and they've either been too dim or cast shadows that frighten him, so when I put him to bed I leave the hall light on.

DH likes it to be dark when he goes to sleep, so he turns the hall light off before he goes to bed. DH usually goes to bed after me.

This means that if DS1 wakes in the night, I get woken by him screaming to have the light turned on. DH is a heavy sleeper and usually sleeps through this.

The issue I'm having with DH is that he won't close our bedroom door or even leave it slightly ajar so that we can leave the hall light on for DS1 and still have it dark in the bedroom for DH. He insists that we have to leave the door fully open so that we can hear DC if they wake in the night and that to close our door would be mean and bad parenting. I've pointed out that we have baby monitors in both the DCs rooms, which will alert us if they start crying or calling for us, but apparently this isn't good enough.

AIBU to tell DH to leave our door ajar and leave the hall light on?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 07/09/2014 09:51

YANBU.

His point about leaving the door open so that the children can be heard is pretty pointless if he never hears them.

Icimoi · 07/09/2014 09:51

Mostly I think YANBU, except - if the children wake in the night and want to come to you, can they open your door?

The best compromise might be a dimmer lightbulb in the hall.

OddFodd · 07/09/2014 09:53

Your DH is being an arse. He won't see the light if the door is slightly ajar will he?

blanklook · 07/09/2014 09:54

Could you get a noise-activated light for your DC's room so if he woke and say clapped his hands it would come on.

Does he have a glow teddy or cushion that he can squeeze which will make it light up?

Original poster
ShadowStar · 07/09/2014 10:01

DS1 has a torch that's usually on his bedside table, but he only ever seems to use it when he's just gone to bed and doesn't feel like going to sleep immediately.

I think when he wakes in the night he's too sleepy and then too worked up about the dark to remember about his torch.

I've never heard of noise activated lights before though. That might be worth looking into.

OP posts:
HollyBen · 07/09/2014 10:05

YANBU.We have the same issue in our house. DD insists on landing light on. I like it dark to sleep so we close our bedroom door. We have put a lamp on the landing so it is not as full on light though. I don't see hoe closing a door is bad parenting especially if you have monitors. Is it nit bad parenting to put your child in a position where they are likely to get distressed in thr night? If DH insists on light off tell him he can deal with the resettling DS every time he wakes up screaming.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/09/2014 10:11

YANBU

But do you really have your bedroom door open all the time? For some reason that would really bother me! What about when you want some erm alone time?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 07/09/2014 10:13

Why do his sleep needs (dark, door open) come before your sons (light on) or yours (no children screaming in the night)? He really is being very selfish

Nomama · 07/09/2014 10:14

Wake your DH every time your DS wakes up in the night. Push him out of bed to deal with the consequences of his actions. If he wants to be a good parent, let him be a good parent at 2 in the morning, as you are.

Until you do he will continue to insist he is right.

MrsPiggie · 07/09/2014 10:17

YANBU. We have the same problem, except it's me who can't sleep with the light on. I leave it on anyway and the bedroom door open as DCs sometimes come to our bed during the night. It's horrible and I sleep badly but I look at it as one of those things you have to put up with when you've got young children. Better than having them wake up screaming in the night.

ThatBloodyWoman · 07/09/2014 10:19

Can you leave another light on (loo for example) that doesn't shine directly in your room, but gives a background light?

cuddybridge · 07/09/2014 10:26

My son wouldn't sleep without a light (until about 14), but I can't sleep if its not dark, so I left the light on dim in my sons room so that it was never dark if he woke up, so he didn't cry as he wasn't frightened. Would that work? I certainly wouldn't have managed without sleep till he was 14

Icimoi · 07/09/2014 10:29

I agree with Nomama, wake him every time DS wakes up distressed and make him deal with it. He'll decide pretty soon that it's a good idea not to let DS get distressed.

WellnowImFucked · 07/09/2014 10:29

3year olds needs trump grown up Dads wants.

Make him deal with DSs terror/upset.

I say this as someone who hates half light, either lights on or off.

clam · 07/09/2014 10:30

Agree. Your dh clearly needs some 'help' in waking to attend to your son's needs. What with being a good parent and all. I'd recommend a sharp kick in the leg each time.

Smartiepants79 · 07/09/2014 10:34

Get your DH a sleep mask.

WalkJumpClimb34 · 07/09/2014 10:34

What an arse your dh sounds. I really hope you can show him this thread so he can see what people think.

I agree with other posters, including why should your dh's wishes come before his own child's fear of the dark? Horrible.

IMO you make perfect sense op. Shut the ruddy door and rely on the monitors fgs.

Sapat · 07/09/2014 10:44

We have a lamp in the corridor with low wattage bulb, left on all night, with all doors half open, including ours.

Janethegirl · 07/09/2014 12:16

You can get small lights, battery operated, that come on with movement. Can you put one in the child's bedroom, one in the hall and one in the bathroom?

Bouttimeforwine · 07/09/2014 12:21

What about a touch lamp so that ds can instantly turn on the light?

I'd be making sure that DH was woken up every single time I was too.

Cinnamon73 · 07/09/2014 12:29

I'd get a small table lamp too, that's what we do, and all our doors are open during the night.
I have always been scared that the dc wandering around in the night (to come into our room or to the loo) could fall down the stairs.

Wake up your dh to calm your ds down.

icymaiden · 07/09/2014 13:05

'3year olds needs trump grown up Dads wants.'

why?
I am guessing your 3 yo does not nned to put in a full days work the next day to keep a roof over the family's head.
Dark is best for sleep.It makes the body create a sleep-inducing hormone .Secondly your DS needs to overcome his dark-phobia by exposure to it.Leaving the light on is buying into his phobia by suggesting there is something to fear.

JADS · 07/09/2014 15:22

YANBU. Although I'm always surprised by threads where monitors are being used with 3 year olds. Our house must be ridiculously unsound proof as I can hear ds through the closed doors across the hallway! Dh should leave the hall light on and shut the door. Maybe consider getting a dimmer switch for the hall?

ThatBloodyWoman · 07/09/2014 17:09

A source of light is a very good idea for safety reasons if someone gets up in the night icy.
Its not because the dark is to fear, but because you can't see the dog/cat/Sylvanian families in pitch black.

icymaiden · 07/09/2014 17:15

I'm always surprised by threads where monitors are being used with 3 year olds.
me too! a 3 yr old is not a baby nor anything like